


we could be gigantic (everything i need)

by Olena



Category: Captain America (Movies), Political Animals
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Past Drug Use, Politics, Recovery, Soulmate-Identifying Marks
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-27
Updated: 2018-08-08
Packaged: 2019-04-28 10:51:02
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 65,279
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14447736
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Olena/pseuds/Olena
Summary: TJ Hammond is a recovering addict with a talent for screwing up. Unfortunately, he may have just pulled Steve Rogers into his orbit.





	1. i jump from thought to thought (like a flea jumps to a light)

**Author's Note:**

> Warnings for open discussion of suicide attempts, drug usage, therapy, and depression. 
> 
> This is set after Steve moves to DC and before IM3. It is also focused around TJ and it's also a soulmate AU because honestly why not

All TJ can think about is how much he wants to die.

“You missed a spot, TJ. Right there.” Anne says, with one hand on her stomach and the other hand pointing at the tiniest sliver of white wall underneath the blue painter’s tape.

Is it possible to beat himself to death with the paintbrush? Because he’s considering it.

“I was going to get that,” TJ says, as he waves the paintbrush in his hand for her to see. She’s been going on about the damn wall for the past three hours and TJ’s about ready to dive out the open window and into the bushes he knows are right underneath it. In the past ten minutes alone, Anne has pointed out at least six different spots that she thinks need to be touched up. Only one of them really did need touching up.

Yellow droplets of paint fly off the bristles and land on the blue tarp covering the floor. TJ steps back onto the ladder and fills in the pieces of wall that he had missed before he hops back off. 

“See? I got them.”

“Are you sure? I think I can still see some spots,” Anne says, tilting her head as she eyes the wall color, which is some pale yellow called Winter Sunshine or Lightning Storm. TJ swears he saw one called Fluffy Duckling, 

_ It’s pale yellow, _ TJ thought the sixth time she said it.  _ Just call it pale yellow. _

Anne must see the look on his face because she finally nods her head in approval. “Okay. I see, I see. It looks great. Remind me to never argue with your method of painting rooms again.”

TJ is about to say something else. Probably something along the lines of Anne not needing to baby him over panting a damn room, but he closes his mouth when Doug slips into the baby room.

Hell, Anne knows professionals. She could have hired someone to paint the room faster and better than TJ, but they both know that the four hours TJ has spent painting rooms is four hours TJ isn’t getting himself into trouble.

“We did good, TJ,” Doug says as he surveys the freshly painted walls. TJ notes that he’s holding a glass of water.

TJ scoffs at Doug’s comment.  “You mean  _ I _ did good. You went back to your office to look at budget reports while I did all the heavy lifting. Or painting. Whatever.”

He glances around the room with the paintbrush still in hand and notes that the walls look perfect.  If either one of them complain, TJ decides that he’s going to charge them to repaint. Or hire the painters himself.

“Your spawn is going to come to me when he or she needs help with decorating their room because they’ll know just how awesome of a job I did when they were still in utero.” TJ says, suddenly than thankful that Anne has left the windows of the baby room open. Even with the fan on, the paint is making him feel lightheaded and there is an itch in the corner of his mind that wants to be scratched. He ignores it.

Saturday afternoons are “Doug Days,” which is the newest and least exciting development in TJ’s life. Saturdays used to be for going out and finding a warm body, but now Saturdays are the days when TJ goes over to his brother’s red brick townhouse in some neighborhood that has far too many soccer moms pushing strollers where TJ listens to Doug complain about everything related to national politics. 

All while TJ pretends that he’s not thinking about getting high. Which he is. A lot.

His life has taken on the most ridiculous sense of normality and TJ’s not sure how many more times he can discuss a Politico article with Doug before he does something stupid. And TJ has a knack for doing stupid things.

A small smile appears on his face as he surveys the room. It’s going to be great for a kid, even if the kid is going to be his brother’s kid and that means they’ll be a square from day one. The baby’s room is on the second floor of their three-story home and it’s right next to Doug’s office, which might have been done on purpose. It’s kind of hard to ignore your baby when they are screaming in the room next to your office. 

TJ knows Anne and Doug will drive their child crazy by planning his or her future out. Doug had mentioned saving for law school once or twice and it had helped TJ decide that he was going to be the cool uncle who whisked him or her away for foods with genetically modified ingredients. Because no niece or nephew of his is going to have kale be something they asked for over Kraft Mac’n’Cheese.

“Anything else I need to touch up?” TJ asks as he wipes his forehead with the back of his hand. He doesn’t manage to wipe away any of the sweat, but he does manage to smear yellow paint across his forehead. 

At this point, he has paint everywhere and paint on the forehead seems like the least of his current troubles. 

TJ used to say that he was perfectly content with being the family screw up and the cautionary tale for other political kids. His exploits have been plastered on screens, in papers, and on magazine spreads, but TJ had always said he didn’t care. Which was a lie, but whatever. 

TJ just assumed that everyone was done with him and they had accepted it would never change. But then there was Doug telling him he needed to sober up or Doug was going to cut him out. For real because Anne was pregnant and Doug needed to protect his growing family, which meant protecting them from TJ. 

Doug had been sitting across from TJ and pretending like he didn’t know TJ was high as he had told him this. He’d always been a mess, but people had mostly accepted it by that point in his life. Hearing that Doug wasn’t going to tolerate his fuck ups anymore wasn’t anything new, but there was something about hearing that he wouldn’t get to know his niece or nephew that he couldn’t brush off.

That night, he stormed out of Doug and Anne’s townhouse without another word and called his dealer. TJ let the number get to the second ring before he hung up and called his mom, asking her to call one of the rehabs she had filed away for a rainy day and get him in there that night. 

Three months later and he’s clean, but he has also just single-handedly painted Doug and Anne’s baby room. 

_ It might not be that much of an improvement _ , he thinks. 

Turning, TJ takes the water from Doug’s hand and swallows it all in one gulp. He’s thirsty and Doug has done shit, so as far as TJ was concerned, the water was all his. Doug makes a displeased noise, but TJ only gives him a shit-eating grin as he tucks the empty glass back into Doug’s hand.

“I’ll be sure to remind your kid how Uncle TJ saved the day and made sure they had a kickass room.”

“You staying for dinner tonight, TJ?” Anne asks with a smile. She smiles at him a lot more these days and sometimes TJ wonders if his therapist told his family to do that when he was out of the room during one of their “family sessions.” 

She reaches up to tuck a strand of hair behind her ear and TJ catches a look of the words on her wrist. 

_ He said you would be the most beautiful girl here. _

He always acts like he isn’t jealous that Anne and Doug had met each other, but TJ knows he is.

TJ always pretended like Soulmarks were overrated. After all, it didn’t mean anything besides you were compatible and plenty of Soulmark relationships failed. Or were weird. His parents were a prime example of this. Hell, even Doug and Anne were a prime example of this.

No one really knew why your soulmate’s first words appeared on your wrist, but they did. Most people didn’t even believe in true soulmates, since so many people’s soulmates were some variation of a greeting. You weren’t even guaranteed to meet your Soulmate and there was no proof that you did. You could walk around with some common phrase and meet your True Soulmate and never know. 

Still, there were the lucky people, like his parents or Anne and Doug who both had charming greetings that were perfect for showing off at parties and being the envy of everyone with a simple ‘hi’ or ‘how are you?’

Then there were people like TJ, who were lucky enough to have unique words

The words had been on TJ’s wrist since birth, which wasn’t exactly common but wasn’t that rare. Doug’s had appeared around age six, but it was the fear that TJ’s words had put into his family.

TJ had spent so many nights tracing the “ _ I ain’t ever seen a smile quite like yours”  _ on his mother’s wrist, that he didn’t understand why she flinched every single time TJ asked her what his words meant.

_ I need you to breathe for me.  _

At first, his family thought he would develop asthma or a peanut allergy.

It was even worse when he became a drug addict. His parents thought that TJ would meet his soulmate right before he was about to die. Still did, in fact.

Soulmarks were complete and total bullshit and they had made TJ’s life miserable growing up, since everyone tried to figure out what they said. Every song was about waiting for your soulmate to speak to your or gossip magazines wondering if the latest celebrity couple’s words were matches. There were some people that tried to commit soulmate fraud, which had been made a felony. Soulmarks made people miserable overall and TJ had convinced himself that sometimes the marks were just wrong. There had been six months where TJ ignore the mismatching words because the universe was wrong before and it could easily be wrong again.

But it didn’t mean deep down TJ didn’t crave the day someone would utter the words on his wrist.

Except, who actually would want fucked up TJ Hammond as a soulmate?

The answer was exactly no one.

TJ shakes his head as he wipes his hands off on his shirt, yellow handprints coloring the grey fabric. “Nah, Anne. I saw you were making something green for dinner tonight, so I definitely am passing. Besides, I’ve got a hot date with my TV tonight since it’s eviction night on Big Brother.”

Doug scoffs at that and TJ turns to glare at him. “Don’t you dare insult Big Brother. Trashy reality TV is a better addiction than coke.”

Doug visibly pales, but he holds his hands up in surrender. It’s a good card to play. Doug lets TJ pass him as he wanders out of the room and down the stairs to the kitchen. No one really knows how to talk about his addiction. TJ’s used to it.

TJ makes a beeline for the sink where he pours himself another glass of water. Anne and Doug meander in a few minutes later.

“You know,” Doug starts. “Everyone was excited to see your name on the guest list for the dinner on Monday.”

TJ rolls his eyes at that. “Of course they are. I’ve been AWOL for three months and everyone is wondering if I’m being kept in a basement somewhere. They know I’m not dead because mom would have to release a statement, so they’re wondering where I was. I mean, everyone knows I was in rehab, but they’re still curious.”

Even TJ is impressed that his mom’s team had managed to keep it from the press that he was in rehab again. He was at least expecting a press release.

TJ doesn’t even know what charity the event was for, but it is something that has to do with something sad. Which was pretty much why charities existed in the first place. Someone saw something sad and decided that it needed to be fixed by raising as much money as possible. In DC, it meant going to an event with an open bar and throwing a check for a couple thousand dollars at someone before you posed in front of the photographer. No one actually cared about the cause, but they did care about making sure the public thought that they were invested.

He finishes his glass of water and Anne moves to turn the electric kettle on before TJ holds up his hand.

“Really, Anne. I gotta go,” TJ insists. Because if he didn’t, then TJ knows he would be forced to stay for dinner and hear about event preparations. TJ would rather sit through a lobotomy than hear about event preparations.

“Things are getting serious between me and Big Brother,” TJ explains as he grabs his car keys out of the glass bowl sitting on the table. He tosses them up into the air and catches them before he takes a step towards the door.

“Let me walk you to your car,” Doug says, wrapping an arm around TJ’s shoulders as he guides him out the door. 

“Bye, TJ!” Anne calls out and TJ answered it, turning his head slightly as the door shuts behind him.

There’s something nice about Doug’s house, which has a tiny porch out front. The real character is in the back of the house, where they have a porch swing and a garden that Doug tends to some days because it apparently reduces stress and because Anne really likes tomatoes. 

The house reminds TJ a bit of the Governor’s mansion and he knows it reminds Doug of the same thing. Before their dad’s political career brought them to the characterless-at-times city of Washington, D.C.

Pulling out his car keys, TJ lets his plastic NA key tags clink together pleasantly. When he was in rehab, his therapist passed him a twenty-four hour tag after his first day and TJ had cried because he was dumb enough to go back to rehab. He hated rehab. He had also cried because he didn’t know how far he was going to make it. He hated living. His newest tag is red and TJ can see the words without flipping the tag over. Clean and Serene.

_ What a stupid saying, _ TJ thinks as he brushes his thumb over the words again. He’s almost rubbed them off and he’s only had the tag for a week.

He’ll get his six-month key tag in a little under three months, but he wants to make it past that mark. He wants to make it to a year. For himself.

It’s weird to want things again.

Doug guides TJ to his car and pats his shoulder in a brotherly fashion. Except it was a little awkward because TJ doesn’t know the last time Doug showed affection to anyone. “I know I’m harsh on you a lot, but…I just wanted to let you know that I think you’re doing great. And I’m proud of you for the change you’re making in your life.”

TJ can feel a knot forming in his throat but managed to smile. Doug has probably been the biggest surprise out of everyone. TJ had been expecting him to carry on with being just as distant as his parents, but that hadn’t been the case. Maybe it was knowing that he had a kid on the way, or maybe it was some sort of change in the atmosphere, but Doug was the only one that consistently made it to group therapy when TJ was in rehab. His mom only made it twice and his dad only made it once. Once a month, Doug even comes to TJ’s current therapist for a group session. Doug has to schedule the sessions at a month in advance, but whatever. TJ will take it.

“Practicing for the kid already?” TJ teases as he runs a hand through his hair in what his therapist would call a self-comforting gesture.

“Shut up, TJ. I’m trying to tell you something here.” The space between Doug’s brows furrows and he shakes his head before he continues. “I’m proud of you. Really. I know you can do this so…Please do it. Because I want my brother to be there to teach my kids how to play piano or fish or whatever else uncles are supposed to do.”

The words don’t come out, so TJ leans forward to pull his brother into a hug. He lets it last all of ten seconds before he shoves him away and unlocks his car. They might be trying to make this relationship work, but it is still awkward as hell at times. 

“I can’t fucking fish, but thanks for lying. Whatever. Okay. Enough of that. I’ll see you at mom’s thing for veterans or dying children or whatever the flavor of the week is.”

“Veterans. See you there, TJ. Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.” Doug smiles and gives him a wave before he heads back inside.

The sun is barely setting as TJ backs the car out of Doug’s driveway. He wasn’t a fan of the neighborhood, but he knows why Anne and Doug picked it. There are kids everywhere and there’s a playground a few blocks down. It’s cute.

As he turns onto the street, TJ thinks about how he’s definitely teaching the kid how to play piano because he knows it will annoy Doug and Anne to no end. So, it’s happening.

It’s maybe a ten-minute drive to TJ’s apartment. Twenty minutes in bad traffic. Which is why TJ can’t believe that something would happen.

The car hasn’t even made it half a mile when, from the corner of his eye, TJ sees a kid running into the street to grab a ball.  A ball that is directly in front of TJ’s car. 

Everything seems to spin into slow motion as TJ slams on the car breaks. He’s not even going that fast, but the kid is too close and he’s so  _ small _ . His knuckles have turned bone-white because of his grip on the steering wheel. There’s no way he can swerve out of the way.

TJ hates himself for only seeing the headlines flash before his eyes. 

He’ll probably end up on Jezebel’s Loser Sons of Politicians section. Again. 

And he’s sober. He’s sober and this is happening. He’s sober and he is about to hit a kid with his car.

_ Fuck _ , he thinks as he presses the brake pedal to the floor of his car. 

TJ's tires are making an unpleasant squealing sound and TJ can smell the burnt rubber as his car slides to a stop. He can hear the thud of a body hitting the front of his car and he curses because that’s a lawsuit that is going to happen. There’s no way to not get sued for hitting a person with your car. Especially when that person is a child. TJ’s not even sure if he should call the lawyer or the police first. Probably the police. The kid must need medical attention or something.

When he opens his eyes, he doesn’t even see the kid around. For a second, TJ wonders if he sent the kid flying, but then there’s movement to his right and he sees the child running down the sidewalk. There’s a man staring down at the hood of his car. So, TJ hadn't hit a kid, but he still hit a person. 

That’s not what is on the forefront of his mind, though. Instead, TJ’s sitting in his car, hyperventilating with a hand pressed against his chest and tears prickling the corners of his eyes. He can’t even reach for his phone to call the police and he hates himself for thinking about how much he wants a hit to take the edge of off. Shouldn’t he be calling the police? He doesn’t even look in the direction of his keychain because he knows it will only going to make things worse.

Fuck, he’s dead. He’s fucking dead. He is going to get sued and his family was going to stay disappointed in him. He knows his mom already doesn’t think he can do it and he has just proved her right. Or something. It might be an accident, but no one was going to see it that way.

_ Doug’s just told me that I had been doing well _ , he thinks.

There is a gentle knock at the window and TJ blinks through the tears, finally finding it in himself to put the car in park. His foot has been on the brake pedal this whole time.

There’s another knock at the window once the car is in park and TJ realizes that the knocker can’t see through the tinted windows. He looks forward to see that the man who had been lying on the hood of his car was gone.

He taps the window with his finger to signal that he’s all right before he turns the car off and unbuckles his seatbelt. A second later, he opens the car door and all but flops forward, chest heaving as he tries to regain his sanity.

_ What if I had hit the kid? Doug would never let me be around anyone again. Mom would disown me.  _

The thoughts wouldn’t stop and he was still hyperventilating with his hand still pressed to his chest.

It takes him TJ a second to look up to see that the man he hit with his car is crouching in front of him.

"I need you to breathe for me. Are you okay? I was running and I..." The man starts, then his voice trails off. TJ knew what was happening. It was the breath of recognition that he has been hearing since he was a teenager. It’s the noise he hears whenever someone recognizes him as the president’s son and he-

"How are you not dead? What the fuck?" TJ asks between heaving breaths, cringing when he finally, really looks at the man crouched in front of him.

The first thing he thinks is something along the lines of how gorgeous the other man was, because he had a thing for blondes with broad shoulders. 

The second thing was that the man in front of him is Captain  _ fucking  _ America, who is staring at him with wide eyes and a slightly open mouth.

Of course it is. Because that’s just TJ’s luck that Captain America would be out jogging.

Even if he hadn’t learned about him in school, TJ would recognize that face from every paper and television channel in North America. After all, the Battle of New York had both captivated and horrified the world. TJ had read every article and watched every special on Captain America’s miraculous defrosting. There might have been a small childhood obsession somewhere in there, but who wasn’t obsessed with Captain America as a kid? It was an obsession that TJ shared with almost every boy and girl growing up in America. Doug had even dressed up as Captain America for Halloween once upon a time.

Except the guy in front of him didn’t look like the calm, collected Captain from the footage. Instead, the guy in front of TJ was looking confused and his hair was sticking up a bit.

TJ tries to breathe but the air doesn’t come out. Suddenly, TJ has a hand rubbing his back and Steve’s voice is telling him to mimic his breathing. He feels like he could faint, but TJ knows that would put him in the hospital and the papers would crucify him if they found out. He’s trying to do better. He promised Doug.

Instead, TJ prays that the ground will swallow him up. It would be a mercy.

“Come on, we should get you out of the car for a second.” Captain America says as he wraps an arm around TJ and helps him out of the car. Captain America pauses before he turns on the hazard lights. TJ is guided over to the sidewalk and he slides down to the curb, pulling his legs to his chest so he can put his head in between his knees. 

He isn’t sure how long he keeps his head down, but he knows it was more than five minutes. Eventually, the short, erratic breaths turned into something a little more normal.

The entire time Captain America is rubbing his back and is speaking calming words to him.

_ Am I dead? _ TJ wonders.

Maybe the airbag deployed and TJ was dead. He had heard about that happening on the news. After all, there is no way in hell that one of his teenage fantasies was really rubbing his back while he was crying on the sidewalk half a mile from Doug’s house. 

After a few more minutes, TJ manages to hold up a hand, gesturing for Steve to stop rubbing his back. He lifts his head up to look at the man sitting next to him. "...what the fuck just happened?" 

He winces when he realizes how that came out and opens his mouth to apologize, but Steve doesn’t let him do that. 

"I was out jogging when I saw that the kid wasn’t going to stop at the street and I didn’t want anything to happen to either of you, so I pushed him out of the way. You tapped me with your car and I think I dented your car, but I can pay for it. You don’t have to worry about me.” The words come out of Steve in a rush and TJ lets out a laugh.

Steve sounds so sincere that TJ feels his heart break a little bit. He isn’t blind and he can see the way Steve is looking at him. 

TJ knows all about his resemblance to the Captain's dead best friend. He has heard about it enough throughout his entire life to know that not being like Sergeant Barnes is just one more thing that people were disappointed in him for. Captain America hasn’t been out of the ice long enough to know all of the horrible things that TJ has done. So, that was how he knows it isn’t him that Captain America is looking at.

So TJ gives the other man the publicist-approved smile, or at least what he can muster for the moment, and nods. "Right, great. Thanks. I didn't want to hit any kids." 

He pauses for a brief second, pushing his hair back away from his forehead with a shaky hand before he continues. "TJ Hammond. Former First Son and Fuck Up. At your service."

It’s probably not the right thing to say, but TJ can’t stand the way Captain America is looking at him, so TJ needs to take himself down a peg to deal with it. His therapist would call it a manifestation of his self-hatred.

Steve's smile tightens at TJ’s words but he doesn’t avert his gaze the way most other people do when TJ talks about himself the same way the blogs do. "Steve. You okay, TJ?"

A shrug is his response and he looks around, suddenly thankful Doug chose a quiet, diplomatic neighborhood to play house in. This isn’t going to get around and not one car had driven past. After all, if the residents can all ignore the various mistresses and high-profile visitors that frequent this area, they can certainly avoid this. 

"As good as I'll get."

But that’s a lie.

TJ can feel the itch to use crawling up his spine and he tries to brush it off, but it isn’t working. He’s doing so well. Ignoring the concerned look Steve was giving him, TJ attempts to push himself up off of the sidewalk.

He ignores the way his knees are shaking. "Can I take you somewhere, Steve?"

It’s all an act of bravado. His hands are shaking and they both know he's not going to be able to drive anywhere.

“You don’t have to take me anywhere. I can just run. But you on the other hand? Is there a place I can take you?”

TJ opens his mouth so he can tell Steve his address, but he shuts it the second he felt the itch crawl up his spine. 

There are so many ways TJ can forget that this ever happened.Sex and drugs make it easy to forget about things. 

_ At least for a little while _ , his therapists voice chimes in his head.

TJ recognizes he’s not in the state to be going home, so he has to make a choice. He could go home and call up a dealer to help take the edge off, or he could not do that and face the situation head on. 

He makes his choice.

“Yeah. My brother lives half a mile down that way. Do you mind taking me there?” He brushes his hair back again and looks down at the sidewalk, not able to stare up at Steve for any longer. Playing with his hair must be a new nervous tic that he’s developing. 

Steve’s silent for a second but he nods and waits a second before moves towards the car. TJ thanks god that he didn’t sit on the sidewalk in his nice clothes, but he also curses the fact he wearing sweatpants with Captain America standing right next to him.

There’s also the smear of yellow paint on his forehead and TJ really wishes the earth would swallow him.

Handing the keys over to Steve, TJ waves Steve off when he tries to help him into his own car. Instead, Steve goes to the driver’s side and slides into the car as TJ shakily gets into the passenger side.

TJ ignores the way Steve’s hand pauses over the neon key tags as he inserts the key into the ignition.

“You okay?” Steve asks again, but TJ doesn’t say anything that would answer that question. Instead, he guided him to Doug’s house with the bare minimum of directions that Steve would need to get there. 

About five minutes later, Steve pulls the car into the driveway and TJ knows it was only going to take ten seconds for Doug’s alarm to go off and for him to come out.

It takes six.

“TJ? What the hell happened?” Doug asks as he stepped out of his house. The pleasant Doug from earlier is gone. In its place is the disappointed version of Doug that TJ has seen far too often. Steve unbuckles his seatbelt and TJ leans his head against the tinted glass, waiting for the disapproval on Doug’s face to bleed to every other part of his body. “What the hell happened to your car?”

Steve steps out of the car as soon as Doug’s voice gets a touch hysterical. “It’s all my fault, sorry. I wasn’t looking where I was running and I didn’t stop at the street. TJ didn’t have any time to stop and it’s my fault entirely. I already told you brother I’d pay to fix the damage.”

Taking that as his cue to get out of the car, TJ unbuckles his seatbelt and opens up the car door. He spares the front of his car a look and notices that the front of the car has a distinctly human-looking imprint on it. 

Well, Doug’s yelling makes sense now. It really does look bad.

“Captain Rogers?” Doug asks, letting his confusion show on his face for the briefest of seconds. The mask slips on a second later and suddenly Doug is in Political Son Mode instead of Disappointed Brother mode. “Captain Rogers. Thank you so much for bringing TJ back. Really. Would you like to step inside for a moment? My wife and I just finished making dinner.”

_ Figures, _ TJ thought about the whole act.  _ He’s always been good at that. _

TJ feels like he’s detached from the world and like he could just float on by Steve and Doug into the house.

“Thank you for the invitation, but I just wanted to make sure that TJ was okay.” Steve says and TJ’s name captures TJ’s attention long enough to look over at Steve.

Even though Steve is talking to Doug, his attention is on TJ and TJ feels like a bug underneath a microscope. TJ can’t help but wonder who Steve is seeing. He guesses that it wasn’t TJ Hammond because no one looks at him for more than they have to.

TJ rubs his eyes a bit before he looks back at Steve. Steve wasn’t seeing what he was hoping he was seeing and TJ didn’t want to see the disappointment on Steve’s face when he realized it.

“Thank you, Steve. I’m going to go inside and pass out, but Doug’ll give you our information, so yeah… Thank you.” TJ murmurs, ignoring the way Steve opened his mouth to say something.

“TJ-“ Steve starts but TJ pushes past him and up the steps. TJ can hear that Steve is saying something, but TJ tunes him out and shuts Doug’s front door behind him.

He wants weed or a shot or cocaine or something. Anything that would make it possible for him to feel something besides the anxiety coursing through his veins. Instead, he kicks his shoes off and face plants onto Doug’s insanely comfortable couch. Anne steps into the living room and asks him if he’s okay, but TJ ignores her in favor of pulling the comfy blanket up around his body so he can cocoon into a microfiber burrito of darkness. He ignores the fact Steve had to turn his NA keychain to get his car to start. He ignores the disappointment on Doug’s face when he stepped out of his house. He ignores everything and instead he chooses to sleep.

Just before the darkness hits him he realizes something. That Steve said something.

_ I need you to breathe for me. _

Oh.

Oh shit.

\---

He wakes up with a dry mouth and wonders if he slept into the next week with how disoriented he feels. He turns his head to and his entire neck cracks.  He’s stopped partying and now he’s turned into an old man. 

Gross.

Standing up, TJ pads into the dark kitchen and pours himself a glass of water. The time on the stove says 11 p.m. and TJ’s a little impressed that he slept that long. He chugs it down before he fills another one up and barely lifts it to his mouth before Doug enters the kitchen. TJ gives him a nod of acknowledgement before he drains the entire glass again.

“Captain Rogers was worried about you,” Doug starts, leaning against the doorframe. He’s in his pajamas, but he’s got some reading glasses perched on the top of his head so he was probably up in his office doing work. Typical. “He explained the entire situation to me and he’s going to pay to fix your car. Nice of him, huh?”

TJ shrugs the slightest bit. “Yeah. Real nice.”

Doug purses his lips before he takes a step towards him. “You okay?”

His mouth opens and he thinks he’s going to say something like ‘yeah’ or ‘fine,’ but all he manages to do is close his mouth and shake his head. How on earth are you supposed to say something along the lines of “Captain America could be my soulmate, but to be honest I have no idea if I just made that up or not.” His hands are clammy and he can see the marks he’s leaving on the glass in his hand.

“Fuck…” He pinches the bridge of his nose before he shakes his head again. “I thought I was going to hit the kid. I was going the speed limit and everything but he couldn’t have been more than six or something. I would’ve hit him and he would’ve…”

TJ trails off and sets the glass down on the counter. “I’m fine. Steve…” 

_ Might be my soulmate. _

“He was nice about it. ‘It’ being me having a panic attack in front of him but whatever. I’m allowed to have a panic attack after seeing my entire life flash in front of my eyes.”

Even though that wasn’t quite what happened.

“You get a pass, TJ, but you’re staying here tonight. Just to let you know.”

Because, yeah, TJ was most definitely a risk right now. 

Turning to look at his brother, TJ wonders when this new version of him took over his body. Doug still had the same stupid haircut and same stupid look on his face, but he was different. He wasn’t as much of a dick as he had been for the past few years of their lives. 

It really did have to happen around the same time he knocked Anne up. God knows that Doug wouldn’t want to pull a Bud or Elaine when it came to his kid. Or maybe Doug would at some point. Eight months ago, Anne had told TJ that she had told Doug she was going to file for divorce unless they started going to couples therapy. They had been going to it for a little over four months at that point. Apparently it had worked enough for them to start a family. Or maybe this was one of those baby band-aids that TJ had heard about. Doug and Anne seemed happy for the most part, so TJ hopes that it’s because they had managed to work things out for the most part.  Someone in the family deserved to have things work out for them.

TJ isn’t exactly sure how to react. He considers telling Doug that Steve Rogers may just be his soulmate, but instead TJ brushes it off. 

There’s no way in hell Steve Rogers is his soulmate. Soulmarks were bullshit.

“Yeah, I’ll stay over if you can get me a decent pillow. No dice otherwise.” 

Doug smiles at TJ again. “I’ll go grab it.”

The second time TJ stumbles into the kitchen, it’s morning and he finds Anne pouring herself a cup of juice as Doug does his tie. It’s too domestic and TJ wants to throw up just a little bit. He might actually have just thrown up in the back of his mouth, but that could just be something else.

“I don’t know why you insist on wearing this god awful tie. It’s not like she’s going to care about it. She’s your mother for God’s sake,” Anne complains as Doug  undoes and reties the tie for the third time since TJ’s been in the room. TJ could almost make it a drinking game. Take a shot every time Doug fusses with the damn tie.

“It’s not about looking good for mom. It’s about intimidating the interns,” Doug says as he flips through the paper.

Anne curses and slaps Doug’s hands away to undo the knot he just did. TJ automatically takes another sip of the coffee. He likes it when Anne loses her cool, composed exterior over something small. It reminds him that she’s human and not some android that his brother was lucky enough to utter some words to.

“Going to see mom?” He asks when he’s swallowed the swill down and Doug grunts affirmatively.

“We’ve got a brunch date.” 

“And by brunch, you mean, you’re both going to huddle over her desk and look at papers until one of you remembers that food is important?” TJ perches on the edge of the kitchen table and takes another sip of coffee.

Doug shoots him a look before he shakes his head. “No. She actually told me that one of the interns brought in apple turnovers, so there will actually be food.”

“But the huddling over and looking at papers part is true. You’re gonna look up and it’s going to be midnight.” TJ says.

“He promised he’d be back by four.” Anne interjects pointedly, as she finally steps away from Doug’s tie. She gives it an approving look before she sits down in one of the chairs. 

TJ toasts her with his coffee mug and sighs before he finishes the rest of the liquid. There was a time when he would have rather cut off his own arm than spend time with Doug and Anne. They were insufferable in their “communication is the only way to solve issues” and “there are no secrets between us” philosophies that somehow came together after hours of couples counseling But now, he’s spending a considerable amount of time with them and he probably wouldn’t cut off his arm. Maybe a foot. Must be the sobriety.

After a bit, TJ stands up from the table and washes the mug in the sink, sticking it in the dishwasher before he turns back to the other two.

“Well, as great as sleeping on your couch was, I actually have things I have to do today.” The calendar on his phone showed a meeting with his sponsor and he really did have that new episode of Big Brother to watch.

Doug glances up from the newspaper he had pulled from somewhere and he gives TJ a look. “You sure you’re good to go?”

“Twelve hours after a panic attack is pretty good, so, uh, yeah.” TJ rolls his eyes and waves his phone. “I’ll call if I have any issues. Which I won’t. But I’ve really got to go. I have to go meet with my new sponsor, so…yeah.”

“They gave you a new sponsor already?” Anne asks and TJ bristles a bit. He knows she didn’t mean anything by it, but it still rubs him the wrong way.

“Uh, yeah. Well, he volunteered and we’ve had a few meetings, but he’s still new-ish. It’s not a big deal.” TJ says with a shrug as he checks the time on his phone. He does have to get moving at some point or there will be hell to pay. Getting a new sponsor wasn’t easy and he pretty much sold his soul to his local NA chapter. Only for the scariest person TJ had ever seen to volunteer to be his sponsor.

“Text us when you get home,” Doug says as he reaches for his orange juice. TJ rolls his eyes and mumbles an affirmation. It’s obvious that Doug and Anne are attempting to parent him, but TJ doesn’t say anything about it.

TJ leaves their kitchen and steps out of their house, heading for his car. The black metal does have a noticeable body-shaped dent in it, but it’s not bad enough for him to cancel his appointment. Shit would go down if he canceled with Miguel. 

He’d take a Lyft or something, since he would risk ending up being photographed by the millions of Hill interns buzzed on mimosas and the DC lifestyle before he missed his meeting with Miguel.

He types the address in his Google Maps and drives to the meeting place his sponsor texted him. He parks the car in one of the metered spots before he blinks in confusion.

“What the fuck?” He asks himself as he stares at the small, almost hipster-ish diner. TJ doesn’t question it, but gets out of his car and goes across the street. He locates the dark-haired man and TJ settles in the chair across from his sponsor, immediately kicks his feet up on the other booth. “Why did we have to meet at this place? I can see the Instagrams from here.”

His sponsor, Miguel, gives him a look before he cuts into one of his eggs. “Man, you need to get off your high fucking horse and try this food. I also know the entire staff here, so I was able to get us this private booth.”

Miguel curses like a sailor and his body is covered in tattoos starting from his neck on down. Even his hands have the tattoos. TJ likes it.

Making a face at Miguel, TJ gestures for the waitress to come over. The woman meanders over and holds the pen over over her pad of paper.

“Cup of coffee and whatever this guy ordered for breakfast. Please.” He gives her a smile when she writes it down. TJ’s mind supplies that coffee is more addictive than cocaine, but it’s a drug that won’t end up with TJ in a pool of his own vomit. So it’s okay. 

“This food better be worth it. Or I’m going to tell everyone you gave me food poisoning.” TJ goes silent when the waitress comes back with a cup of coffee and gives her another smile before she disappears again. “Or something. I’ll think of something.”

Miguel rolls his eyes and points his fork at TJ. “No. You won’t, ’cause I know you, Hamster, and you’re not into making people take the fall for things.”

TJ’s lips scrunch together and he nods his head, crossing his arms in front of him. “Hamster, really? I haven’t heard that one before.”

“Dude, you seen your hair? It’s like a baby duck. Or a hamster. I feel like I should smooth it down like I did with my son this morning, but you probably wouldn’t go for that.” Miguel takes another bite of his eggs before he nods at TJ again. “You’re thinking of something. Talk.”

A chuckle escapes from TJ and he shakes his head. He hates that Miguel can read him like an open book.

“I slept on my brother’s couch last night. I…I had a panic attack last night and I didn’t feel comfortable going home because, well, you know...”

Raising a brow, Miguel shakes his head. “Remember the part where I’m your sponsor and you’re supposed to call me whenever you feel like doin’ somethin’ stupid?”

“Yeah, well, I just…I don’t think I’m there with you yet.” TJ admits. Miguel only drops his g’s when TJ is doing something dumb. It’s a tic of his that TJ has noticed. Miguel went to West Point. He’s not dumb.

Miguel levels TJ with another unimpressed look. “Okay, dumbass. I know all about your previous sponsor and I was told before I agreed to take you on, got it? You’ve confessed all your sins to me and I know every stupid fuckin’ thing you’ve ever done. Don’t do another stupid fuckin’ thing because you were too chicken shit to call me.”

Miguel pauses just long enough to take a breath before he continues. “You’re my responsibility and I like you for some weird reason. So you better fuckin’ call me next time or I swear to God, Jesus Christ, and the Holy fuckin’ Ghost that I will never let you hear the end of it.” 

He emphasizes the last few words with another thrust of his fork and TJ lets out an awkward laugh.

“I don’t think God will approve of all of your cursing.”

“God doesn’t care, TJ. And I just came back from mass so I’m sin-free.” Miguel grins. “But seriously, give me a fuckin’ call.”

“Not sure that’s how mass works.” TJ says but he nods a little bit.

He’s not promising anything. Miguel’s lack of tactis one of the reasons that TJ took a new sponsor on. Miguel doesn’t let him get away with anything and instead pushes TJ to be better as an overall human. Not just with sobriety. 

It honestly feels like he’s even guiltier sometimes, like putting the words into the air means that everyone now had verbal confirmation of how much he’s screwed up over these past few years and it is a lot of people he’s screwed over.

Their orders arrive when TJ’s in the middle of a vague recap of his days since their last meeting.

They talk for a little bit longer and finally Miguel is satisfied with where TJ is with his life. He even gives TJ a friendly, relaxed smile when TJ finally admits the food is delicious. Miguel smiles, but he never truly looked relaxed. He’s always slightly on edge.

His phone rings the second he gets back to this apartment and TJ does a few breathing exercises when he reads the caller ID before he slides his thumb over the screen, lifting the phone to his ear. His therapist would be proud.

“Hi, Mom. What’s up?”

“You’re coming to the event tomorrow, right? Doug and I were going over the guest list and we saw you were marked down as a maybe and that’s not acceptable.” There’s no real greeting. Just his mother getting right to the point. His mother’s voice is calm, but holds the hint of irritation that she gets whenever he does something that she is particularly pleased at him for not doing, which means she sounds like that all of the time.

TJ is silent for the briefest of seconds before he nods to himself. “Yeah, mom. I’ll be there. I told Doug I was going be there when I was at his place last night, since I wanted to make sure I was all good before confirming.”

“Good.” Her voice softens slightly when he mentions something about being good. “Anything else you need? Doug said y’all did a nice job on the baby’s room.”

_ Y’all. _ His mom never says y’all anymore. Except when TJ is involved. It makes his heart clench.

“Yeah and by ‘y’all,’ Doug means me and only me. Because I’m the only one who did any real painting.”

“I’m sure they were doing other things. I’ll see you tomorrow, dear. We’ll send you a car so be ready by six.”

With that, she hangs up after telling him she loves him and TJ is left in his apartment, staring at one of the paintings Anne had picked out from a gallery show she had gone to while TJ was in rehab. 

Next to the painting  is a sticky note with some generic encouragement written on it. His apartment had been covered in them when he had first moved in and he had just been too lazy to remove them. Eventually they all fell off one by one, but the sticky note in Anne’s handwriting was still hanging on. 

He wonders how long the little “You can do it!” sticky will remain on his wall, but he doesn’t put that much thought into it. It’ll fall at some point. All of the rest did. TJ thinks that might be a metaphor, but he stopped thinking out stuff like that a while ago. Now things just happen.

Like Steve running into his car. It just happens.

Everything just sort of happens to TJ these days. His therapist says that’s a normal feeling for someone in recovery, especially for someone who is practically drowning in negative thoughts.

The entire apartment is new for him. One of the doctors at the rehab center had told him to get rid of his old life and to get rid of the things that would trigger him. So he had Doug and Anne pick out a new place in a new, sleepy neighborhood that was occupied by mostly couples with young children. There were no bars within five blocks and TJ was fairly sure that he saw a few ambassadors walking their kids to school in the morning. 

The neighborhood was boring, which was probably why Anne picked it out and that meant it was probably what TJ needed. While he was in rehab, Anne had gone a little insane decorating the apartment. Most of the time TJ thinks his apartment is more comparable to a hotel room, with its trendy, functional pieces of furniture. 

None of it felt like something he would pick out, but he wasn’t going to argue with anyone after they had put in all of that effort in the first place. No one needed to help him, but they had done it anyway. But TJ knew that this was the last time they were going to go this far.  They weren’t going to help as much if he relapsed again. 

TJ settles down on the couch and pulls the blanket over his lap, reaching for the remote and immediately going for his DVR. Big Brother is in his queue and he presses the button, settling in for another night on his couch. It was easy to settle into a routine where he came home from whatever he was doing that day to his apartment and then stay in for the rest of the evening. He didn’t trust himself to go out and he didn’t exactly know if he would ever trust himself to go out again.

So instead, he’s been catching up on television shows. They had moved a piano into the guest room, but he hadn’t been able to bring himself to play it. The piano had been gathering dust along with a few suitcases. Instead, he had found himself a battered guitar in a music store and had been plucking at it in some attempt to teach himself how to play. He doesn’t feel like playing it tonight, but it had been getting a fair bit of play in the previous weeks.

Tonight, however, TJ pulls the blanket up to underneath his chin and turns on the closed captions. Around episode six, he drifts off and spends another night on a couch.

**\---**

As much as he hates charity galas, TJ never has had to wonder about how to act at them. All he had to do is smile and nod at whatever inane thing someone is telling him before he makes a joke and excuses himself. Most of the conversation is basic and inoffensive, but gossip was D.C.’s unofficial currency and everyone was wondering exactly where TJ Hammond had been.

“TJ, my boy! How have you been?” One of his father’s former cabinet members asks, patting him on the back just a little too hard as TJ tries not to wince.

“I’ve been good. I moved apartments and I’ve been trying to get things settled.” It’s the answer his mother’s publicist had coached him on. The answer is robotic and TJ gives him his best smile as he tries to ignore the fact there is an open bar across the room. He’s been staying on the side of the room opposite the bar, but the repetitive conversations are making him consider otherwise. 

One drink couldn’t be awful right? It wouldn’t even get him buzzed. It might take the edge off. 

The former cabinet member says something to TJ that he doesn’t quite catch so he smiles and nods in the direction of where he thinks Elaine is. “My mother was looking for you. Have you spoken to her yet?”

“Elaine’s looking for me? What for?”

TJ shrugs as he subtly tries to get the hand off his back. “You should go ask her. I think it had something to do with you-know-what.”

Not that TJ knows what you-know-what even is, but it gets the man to leave him alone and set off in her direction. When he’s finally gone, TJ pushes past a few groups of people and heads towards the doors leading out to the terrace. He glances around to make sure no one is watching him before he steps out into the cool night air.

It’s easier for him to breathe when he gets out of the crowded room and, in a moment of irony, he pulls a packet of cigarettes out of his suit jacket pocket. He might be quitting the majority of his vices, but he’s going to keep cigarettes until someone complains.

It gives him an escape. A crutch for situations and TJ isn’t going to give that up just yet.

He lights the cigarette up and waits a second before he lifts it to his lips, closing his eyes as he inhales. For a brief second, he can pretend that the party doesn’t exist.

A throat clears from somewhere behind him and TJ’s eyes immediately fly open and he jumps the tiniest bit before he turns around.

Steve Rogers is standing in front of him and is sheepishly holding his hands up. TJ’s eyes flicker to Steve’s wrist, but the place where there would be any words is covered by a watch. “Oh, sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you. I saw you step out here and I thought I’d come say hi and, uh, see how you were doing.”

TJ reaches up and takes the cigarette out of his mouth, giving him the smile he had tried to give him the other day. He had been counting on never seeing Steve again and now he feels awkward.

“Yeah, that makes sense. Let me introduce myself now that I’m not crying,” he holds out his cigarette-free hand and takes a step towards Steve. “TJ Hammond. Pleased to meet you. Really.”

Steve takes TJ’s hand and gives it a firm shake. TJ can’t help but notice how warm it is.

“Nice to meet you when you’re feeling better, TJ.” Steve starts and TJ’s smile turns tight. “I…”

“Can we just pretend like that day never happened? Or at least the bit with me crying? Actually, scratch that. Pretend like that whole day never happened and this is our first time meeting, yeah?” He asks and Steve gives a nod of agreement before TJ continues without wasting a breath. “Fantastic. What brings you to this event? Did Doug rope you into it, because if I had known I would’ve tried to rescue you from his invitation.”

TJ watches as Steve reaches up and runs a hand through his hair. Must be a nervous tic.

“Yeah, well, you’ll be happy to know that I was already on the guest list, so there would have been no need to rescue me. Making sure veterans have access to the resources needed to ease their transition home is a very important cause.”

“That’s a pity. I think I would have had fun rescuing you,” TJ says with a wink. The wink is instinctive and flirtatious. It’s something he would have done to get someone into his bed and that’s just not who TJ is anymore. He immediately looks at the cigarette in his hand so he doesn’t have to look at Captain America. 

**“** I think I would have had fun being rescued by you.”

TJ nearly chokes on his cigarette smoke, but manages not to. He thinks he can see Steve Rogers blush from the corner of his eye, but that’s just his mind playing tricks on him.

_ Holy shit, _ he thinks.  _ Did Captain America just…? _

Well, they’re maybe soulmates, but platonic soulmates are a thing, but also soulmates are bullshit. It’s that simple.

He recovers quickly and takes another drag of his cigarette before he drops it, crushing it underneath the heel of his shoe. Thank god for public relations training. TJ could recover from anything at this point. He takes a step towards Steve and tilts his head to the side.

“I think-” Steve starts and TJ tilts his head slightly, pretending not to notice the way Steve’s eyes are following the curve of TJ’s neck. Steve is doing a good job hiding what he’s really thinking, but TJ grew up in politics. He’s a master at it and Steve had maybe a year of training before he froze up like a popsicle. 

“I’ll show you mine if you show me yours,” TJ mumbles, already unbuttoning the sleeve of his jacket. 

“So, what brings you to Washington? Isn’t it sacrilege for Captain America to not be living in Brooklyn? Aren’t you supposed to be, like, I don’t know, single-handedly rebuilding it and yelling at kids to get off the sidewalk?” TJ asks, cradling his arm to his chest as he waits for Steve to take off his watch.

Steve raises a brow. “You know I’m from Brooklyn?”

“Um, yeah. You’re in the history books, man. Every eighth grade class knows you’re from Brooklyn.”

“No. They don’t. They know I’m from New York, but not Brooklyn.”

“Fine. Maybe I read your Wikipedia article. Maybe I didn’t. Don’t tell me you didn’t Google me.”

Steve’s silence is all the confirmation TJ needs and he laughs when he sees Steve look down a bit. “You don’t have to look ashamed for Googling me, you know. At least you know I’m a mess. I’m sure you would’ve been Googling everyone and their mom if you had it back in the time of the dinosaurs.”

Steve’s watch is off and he holds his wrist out for TJ to look at.

“Time of the dinosaurs? I really hope you don’t think I’m that old, but if you get all your information from Wikipedia, well, then I might understand why you think that.”

TJ doesn’t even notice he’s laughing for a second and immediately shakes his head. “The history books did not say you were a little shit. Anyway, no one would hold it against you if you were that old. Not with the way you look.”

TJ holds his own wrist out and there’s a sudden intake of breath from Steve. TJ hasn’t even looked at Steve’s wrist, though he can guess.

“I...I can’t believe it,” Steve murmurs, reaching out to touch the words on TJ’s wrist. The sensation of Steve’s fingertip touching the skin of TJ’s mark makes TJ tingle.

TJ makes a humming noise and very clearly lets his eyes run up and down Steve’s body. He shrugs. “It’s just a soulmark. It doesn’t mean anything.”

Shaking his head, Steve smiles and looks away, but TJ can definitely see the color on his cheeks. “You don’t get it. I...I thought I wouldn’t be alive to see it. Or that I’d wake up and find out that I missed out on you.”

“How’s the future treating you, Steve? Enjoying all of the new and exciting things it had to offer?” TJ continues, reaching out to gently tap Steve’s arm with his knuckle. “I can offer some recommendations? Elvis is definitely one. Ke$ha, if you like that sort of thing. The Beatles. Oh, jazz. Did you have jazz back in the time of dinosaurs? Oh, Dog Cops. That’s  a show by the way. Definitely Dog Cops. And Big Brother. If you want to see the worst of humanity.”

Steve looks down at TJ. “Why are you acting like this isn’t a big deal?”

“Because I’m a mess and you don’t want to be soulmates with me. I’m broken and you are perfect and you do not want to be my soulmate.” TJ gives him a sad smile. “I’m sorry.”

“I haven’t even had a chance to talk to you. How do you know I don’t want to be your soulmate?”

TJ scoffs. “You Googled me. You know what’s wrong with me.”

“And? We’re soulmates for a reason.”

“That doesn’t mean we’re compatible. It means that somewhere in the cosmos or whatever they decided to put our first words on each other’s wrists. It doesn’t mean shit, Steve!” TJ presses a hand to his face.

Steve takes a step closer and hesitates before he places a hand on TJ’s shoulder. “I’m not sure if you know this, but I’m pretty stubborn and more than a little old-fashioned. I don’t care about your past. I think there’s a reason your words are on my wrist and...I want to find out what that is.”

TJ wishes he wasn’t such a sucker for a pretty boy saying sweet things to him, but he is and that means he’s crumbling under Steve’s words. He wishes he wasn’t, but Steve sounds so damn kind. So damn honest. TJ already knows Steve’s going to break his heart.

TJ rolls his eyes and holds out his hand, palm up. “Phone. Give it to me.”

Without any protest, Steve places his phone in TJ’s hand and TJ immediately unlocks it, rolling his eyes at the fact Steve doesn’t have a passcode or anything. TJ goes to his notes and starts a new document, writing down a few things for Steve to look up.

Before he hands it back, TJ puts his number in it and sends himself a text from Steve’s phone.

“There you go, Steve.” TJ opens his mouth to say something else flirtatious, since three months is a long time to go without anything and, well, Steve is his soulmate. That’s enough to skip the three date rule and drag the other man back to his apartment for some half-hearted sex before Steve tells him he’s not really into guys or having TJ as his soulmate.

“Rogers.” A woman’s voice calls out from the doors and TJ looks over to see the Black Widow striding across the terrace. She gives TJ a curious look before she stands next to Steve, handing him a piece of paper. “We’ve been called in. Time to put on the tights.” 

“Tights?” TJ asks, glancing between the two of them. Natasha gives him a scarily sweet smile that answers all and none of his questions.

“I haven’t worn tights since the 1940s,” Steve says as he folds the tiny piece of paper in half.

TJ nods at Steve’s phone. “My number is in there so you text me whenever you’re ready to discuss the finer workings of...whatever we are. Oh, and passcode that thing.”

“Thanks, TJ.” Steve  says as he tucks the slim phone back into his suit. Natasha suddenly looks slightly interested in TJ’s presence, but before she can say anything else she is interrupted by what TJ imagines is a comms unit in her ear.

“We have to go.”

Before Steve can say another word, Natasha Romanoff grabs him by the arm and drags him away from TJ and the party. TJ can only stare at the two of them and lets out a deep breath, all the while wondering what Steve was thinking. He lights up another cigarette and makes a mental note to Google Steve in tights.

\---

He’s not expecting a text. In fact, he’s pretty sure he’s never going to see Steve Rogers again unless he’s at some sort of charity event and a part of TJ is grateful for that. After all, TJ did basically brush Steve off and tell him that TJ wasn’t entirely sure he was ready for anything with anyone, especially not his soulmate.

Besides, soulmates are bullshit. 

It isn’t like it matters, he tells himself. Steve understood.

Friday evening comes along and TJ already had his Netflix queued up when his phone buzzes with a new text. TJ figures it’s Doug or Miguel with news, since they’re the only people who actually text him. But it isn’t.

> _ FROM STEVE ROGERS: Back to the Future was good. _

TJ stares at the text for a few minutes because Captain America actually texted him and he wonders if he’s dreaming. He actually tries to pinch himself before he decides that’s a stupid idea. He analyzes the text for a few more seconds before he finally thinks of something to respond with.

> _ FROM TJ HAMMOND: Good? Just ‘Good’? What the hell. Back to the Future  is a classic. Appreciate it. I put it on your list for a good reason. _
> 
> _ FROM STEVE ROGERS: I appreciated it. _
> 
> _ FROM TJ HAMMOND: So how was that thing your partner in crime whisked you off to? _
> 
> _ FROM STEVE ROGERS: It was fine. And she’s not my partner in crime. She’d enjoy being called that too much. What should I watch next on your list? _
> 
> _ FROM TJ HAMMOND: Dog Cops. _
> 
> _ FROM STEVE ROGERS: Not Dog Cops. _
> 
> _ FROM TJ HAMMOND: How about Big Brother? _
> 
> _ FROM STEVE ROGERS: Also no. _
> 
> _ FROM TJ HAMMOND: Watch something by John Hughes. _
> 
> _ FROM STEVE ROGERS: I’m not finding it on Netflix. _

That’s a lie and TJ knows it.

> _ FROM TJ HAMMOND: I have a DVD. You could borrow it.  _

TJ hesitates a second before he sends the next message. It is easy to be brave when you’re hiding behind a cell phone screen.

> _ FROM TJ HAMMOND:  Or we could watch it together. _
> 
> _ FROM STEVE ROGERS. That an offer? _
> 
> _ FROM TJ HAMMOND: Maybe. _
> 
> _ FROM STEVE ROGERS: When are you free? _

TJ glances around his apartment and at his television, twiddling his phone in his hands before he types out the next text. It’s Friday night and he should be doing something. Even if that something is watching movies with Steve Rogers. Which is something he never thought would actually be happening. Doug would kill him if he found out. Doug couldn’t stop talking about Steve showing up to the charity event and donating to the cause. 

But Steve had made a point of saying he wasn’t looking to pressure TJ, so...

> _ FROM TJ HAMMOND: Now. _
> 
> _ FROM STEVE ROGERS: Now works.  _

He sends his address off without another thought and then realizes that he just sent Captain America his address. He blinks a few times before he stands up and wonders if he really just invited Captain America to his apartment.

>   
>  _FROM STEVE ROGERS: I’ll be there in twenty. Is there parking for my bike?_
> 
> _ FROM TJ HAMMOND: Parking garage. Code is 2594*. I’ll order pizza. _
> 
> _ FROM STEVE ROGERS: Thanks. See you in twenty. _

Fuck. It’s actually happening. Their exchange over text took all of ten minutes and now Captain America is coming up to his apartment to watch a movie and he’s not sure if that’s code for something or if he’s actually going to introduce Steve to a classic movie.

He feels like he’s a teenager again and not knowing if the “study session” he was going to attend was ending up in a clandestine library make-out or if he was actually going to end up looking over geometry problems.

Should he ask or is that a little too weird? He thinks about it and goes with weird. The chips will fall wherever they fall, he decides. Or whatever the saying is.

TJ looks around his apartment and stares blankly, unsure what he’s supposed to do. He doesn’t have any dirty socks lying around and the only thing he’s a little embarrassed about is the family photo hanging on the wall from when they all were younger. He’s never going to forgive that White House person for telling him and Doug to wear matching sweaters. He doesn’t take it down, but he does move the potted plant Anne got him a little bit closer to the picture so it covers him up just a little bit more.

Interior decorating. Anne would be proud.

He brings a few extra blankets out of the closet and dumps them on the couch before he folds them. He’s not sure if Steve is going to want a blanket but it’s better to be safe than sorry.

He pulls out the movie and sets it down on the coffee table, suddenly happy that he didn’t let Doug switch him completely over to digital. That’s the major reason why Steve’s coming over. Or at least that is what TJ is telling himself.

But he’s not exactly sure what’s happening here. Steve’s not coming over for a hook up, at least he doesn’t think so. Did people from the 1940s know what hooking up was? He’ll have to ask Gran.

He actually thinks Steve is coming over to watch a movie and TJ, oddly enough, is okay with it. It’s just a movie between soulmates, who are getting to know each other as friends. It’s platonic.

He hadn’t really talked to anyone outside his family and Miguel in months and part of him just wants to be social with someone who doesn’t feel responsible for him. Or someone who doesn’t want a political connection out of him. The interns talked to him on occasion, but they were just hoping TJ would say something nice about them to Doug. Or offer to buy them lunch, which he often did. Interning in DC could be rough.

TJ calls for pizza a few minutes later and orders a large cheese pizza. He’s not sure what toppings Steve likes and maybe he should have asked, but he doesn’t think it matters since pizza is pizza.

Eventually, there’s a buzzing sound coming from the floor the garage is on and he lets Steve up into his apartment. It takes Steve about three minutes, but it feels like only seconds later there’s a knock at the door and it’s too late for him to text Steve to tell him he suddenly came down with the stomach flu. Instead, TJ composes himself and steps forward, unlocking the door and letting Steve inside.

“Welcome to my humble abode,” he greets, gesturing for Steve to step inside. “Anything I can get you to drink?”

Steve opens his mouth and hesitates for a second. “Uh, what do you have?”

“Water. Soda. Coffee. Juice. I’m trying my hand at sobriety, so no alcohol.” TJ  says, not even trying to hide it. He knows Steve had seen his NA keychains and that Google search Steve did had told him everything he needs to know about TJ. 

Steve remains a mystery, but all of TJ’s issues and affairs are spread out over the Internet along with some pretty telling pictures. There’s something nice about having absolutely nothing to lose.

“A water would be great, actually. Thanks.” Steve says and TJ nods before he tells Steve to make himself at home. He goes to the kitchen to put together two glasses and steps back in to find Steve sitting on the couch. He sets the waters down on the coffee table before he drops down next to him.

“Sure you’re not going to tell me all about your mission? What do superheroes even do?” He asks, watching as Steve leans forward to pick up his water.

“It was a rescue mission. I try to do those type of things,” he says before he takes a sip. TJ watches the way his neck moves as he swallows the water, but glances away when Steve finishes.

“Sounds interesting. Well, more interesting than the gala. You got to skip out on all the boring speeches,” he says. “Which there were a lot, but I’m pretty good at ignoring them.”

“Yeah? How so?”

Steve smiles and TJ’s sure Steve doesn’t intentionally lick his lips but he watches him do it. 

Steve opens his mouth to say something but both of their eyes meet and TJ isn’t sure who moves first but they’re kissing. Steve had been in his apartment for less than seven minutes and they’re kissing.

_ Is that a record? _ He wonders.

Or maybe, more appropriately, making out. Steve’s a bit wooden and stiff at first, but TJ had kissed worse. He’s a good teacher and Steve seems willing to learn, mimicking the way TJ parts his lips before Steve finally moves to take control. TJ has a hand in Steve’s hair and Steve has a hand on TJ’s hip, almost as if he is ready to pull TJ onto his lap at any second.

With a gasp, TJ pulls away from Steve and stares at him for a long second. Steve’s eyes are dilated and his lips are redder than they normally are, which is saying something. His eyelashes brush his cheek whenever he blinks and TJ thinks they ought to be illegal.

“...why are-?”

“You’re my soulmate,” Steve responds in a breathy voice and TJ gives him a nod before they’re kissing again.

The tension in the room is thick and TJ almost feels like he’s in a sauna. He doesn’t even give Steve a chance to respond before he’s kissing him again, free hand running down Steve’s chest as his tongue presses into Steve’s mouth. TJ doesn’t know how much kissing experience Steve has had, but his enthusiasm makes up for his lack of skill and skill is something he can teach Steve.

Oh god, he thinks. He’s already planning on teaching Steve how to kiss.

It doesn’t take long for TJ to have Steve sighing against his lips and the hand resting on TJ’s chest experimentally moves down to rest against Steve’s abs. He can feel the muscles flutter at the touch and the breathy gasp against his lips gives TJ the courage to run his hand down to Steve’s thigh. He gives it a squeeze as he moves it up towards his inner thigh, giving Steve the out he needs to pull away and go on the “I’m not gay” spiel TJ’s heard so many times in his life. 

But Steve doesn’t. He doesn’t even pull away from the kiss when TJ runs his hand over the bulging denim and gasps when TJ presses down on his erection. His lips part even further when TJ captures his lower lip between his teeth and he pulls TJ onto his lap, trying his best to get them as close together as possible. TJ maneuvers his hips the tiniest bit and his hand reaches for Steve’s belt when there’s a buzz from the door.

“Fuck…” TJ mumbles when he pulls away, immediately pushing himself off of Steve and standing up. He tries to think of Doug’s sex life before he glances back at Steve, who is staring up at him with slightly swollen lips. “It’s the pizza guy.”

_ Fuck, _ TJ thinks.

Steve nods at that before he stands up. “Uh. Bathroom?”

_ Double fuck. _

Because TJ Hammond, who was trying to get his life back together, was completely fine with fucking Captain America on his couch after probably spending less than a whole hour in his company.

TJ points him in the direction of his hall bath and tries not to think about what Steve’s doing in there as he buzzes the pizza guy up and lets him in. He pays the delivery guy and tips him, ushering him away from his door as quickly as possible. He doesn’t need anyone seeing Steve in his apartment. He brings the pizza into the living room as Steve comes back in from the bathroom. 

Opening the box, TJ grabs a slice before he sits back down on the couch. “So, let’s not make this awkward. I had my tongue in your mouth, but we can pretend that didn’t happen because I really like this movie and you should seriously watch it.”

From across the room, Steve looks at him and furrows his brow a bit before he walks over to the couch. He sits down next to TJ and grabs a piece of pizza from the box before he props his feet up on the coffee table. “I’ll kiss you again.”

TJ nearly chokes on the bite he’s chewing and Steve looks concerned for a second but TJ waves him off. Instead of reaching for TJ’s back, Steve reaches for the remote and presses play on the movie’s menu.

“You can’t just say something like that!” TJ complains after he has swallowed the piece of pizza and Steve just gives him a look from where he’s sitting.

“Well, I just did. Now, are we gonna watch this movie or what?”

“Oh my god. You can not throw my words right back at me.” TJ gapes at him for a second before he responds. “We’re talking about this.”

The first twenty minutes of the movie are watched in silence, but soon TJ breaks out random trivia facts and Steve asks enough questions for TJ to be impressed. 

By the end of the movie, TJ is laughing at Steve’s poor Duckie impression and has to steady himself with a hand on his chest. When the credits roll, TJ is reaching over to whack Steve with one of the throw pillows. “You’re the worst movie partner ever. You talk during the entire thing. There’s a special hell for people who talk during movies and you definitely don’t get that reference, do you?”

“Yeah? Well. I don’t really believe you,” Steve  says with a laugh and they make eye contact. They lean towards each other and actually tilt their heads in opposite directions. Their second kiss is much more cautious than the first. Steve is much, much better at kissing TJ this time around, but he’s more tentative.

It’s almost as if he’s scared to kiss TJ and part of TJ wants to shake Steve. He wants to let him know that he’s not made of glass and he’s been hurt in a million different ways and had always managed to put himself back together again in one way or another. He might not have put himself back together in the best of ways, but he had managed it.

“I’m not made of glass,” TJ whispers. A chuckle escapes from Steve.

“You’re still something precious.”

There’s a hint of something Brooklyn in Steve’s accent and god no one actually speaks like that and means it.. TJ hates that Steve actually believes that they’re going to live happily ever after together. People like Steve don’t end up with guys like TJ and guys like TJ don’t get happy endings.

Steve cups the back of TJ’s neck, thumb brushing over the skin and TJ shivers as he once again moves to straddle Steve. There’s no sort of expectation between the two of them and TJ doesn’t even know if either of them will get off tonight. For right now, all they seem to want to do is kiss.

They kiss for what feels like hours, but what is more likely around fifteen or so minutes before Steve’s phone rings again. TJ makes a displeased noise as Steve pulls away from his lips and shifts to get the phone from his pants pocket. 

“What’s going on, Natasha?” Steve asks, pursing his lips together when he hears her words. He sighs before he lifts the hand that was on the back of TJ’s neck to his forehead. “Okay, yeah. Call in Barton. I’ll be there soon. Talk to you later. Bye.”

“She is the biggest cockblock, Captain.” TJ mumbles, reluctantly climbing off of Steve’s lap again. “I’m kind of disappointed since you were just starting to get the hang of kissing me.”

Steve flushes a bright pink and stands up, stretching slightly before he tucks his phone into his jeans.

“So, uh, I’ll…call you?”

“You better,” TJ says, as he leans back against the couch. His gaze is still on Steve. “We’ll just work through all of Hughes. Put it down in your phone.”

Steve shakes his head and walks over to his leather jacket, where he pulls out a small book. He holds it up and waves it at TJ. “I like paper better. But don’t worry. It’s going on the list.”

With that, he pulls on his jacket and TJ stands up from the couch long enough to walk him to the door. TJ notices Steve looks like he wants to say something, but Steve’s phone buzzes again. This time it’s a text message and Steve sighs when he reads it. 

“I’ll text you.” Steve looks at him as he opens the door. “Promise.”

“I’ll hold you to it,” TJ said, waiting for Steve to step over the threshold before he finally shuts it behind him.

\---

The next day is an and TJ heads over to his brother’s around three. Gran texted the family group chat saying that she was going to bless them with her presence and he wanted to be there early to help Doug clean the house. Because of course he was going insane thinking that mom might show up if Gran showed up. Anxiety attacks were not cool. 

But come dinner time, it was only the four of them sitting around the table and TJ couldn’t help but wonder if Gran still carried a flask around in her purse. He’s tempted to check, but he knows that if he does he’ll probably take a sip. He’s nearly to four months, which puts him one month closer to the next keychain and he really wants that keychain.

_ Is it weird to want a stupid keychain? _ He thinks.

“So. What has everyone been up to recently? I feel like I never see any of you anymore.” Nana starts, resting her elbows on the table as she glances between them. “And, actually, that question only goes for TJ because I can only hear so much about your child and what college she’ll be going to before my eyes start to roll up into my head. Plus, I feel old. Great-grandmother? That’s not a title I ever wanted. I wanted to be dead before that.”

It’s said with mirth but he can still see Doug visibly stiffen. Doug’s already so protective of the kid and TJ feels that way too. He’s going to be an uncle and he’s damn well going to be there for all of the spawn’s events. Especially since he knows from experience that Doug and his own mother will probably miss half of them. The political life is unforgiving.

“Uh. Things are fine? I’m just…doing things. Meeting with my sponsor. Going to meetings. I recommended some movies to a friend, uh…” He trails off when he realizes there’s a slight look of panic on Doug’s face. Oh. They think he means a dealer of some sort. Because TJ doesn’t have friends who aren’t on drugs. That’s a thing.

“You guys know him. Steve. Uh, Steve Rogers? Um, we’re working through a list. He came over to watch one. I’m teaching myself guitar. Occasionally my stocks guy asks me if he can sell my stocks or invest in something and I tell him yes so I can keep my apartment.” TJ shrugs as he takes a sip of the mocktail Anne had made everyone. He knew it was coming because he follows her on Pinterest and he saw her add it to the ‘Saturday Evenings’ board. He really ought to see if she’ll rename it ‘Dougie Days.’ She might. 

All-in-all, TJ likes Anne. She’s not perfect, but she’s strong and she doesn’t take shit from Elaine. Not anymore. Neither one of them wanted to be in this world, but here they are now.

When he realizes he said the Captain America thing, he glances around the table and realizes that he might have just fucked up a little bit. It’s not like everyone doesn’t know TJ has A Type. Anne’s eyes are wide and Doug’s brows are going up into his hairline. Gran’s face on the other hand…

He can see the disappointment and he can feel himself shrink back slightly.

“You are…watching movies with Captain America? So, you’re close?” Gran asks slowly, almost as if she is clarifying his comment. 

TJ knows that he’s fucked up. It must have showed on his face. This is why he can’t have nice things.

He’s so fucked, which is exactly why he lies. “We just met at mom’s party and I recommended him some movies, since he missed so much when he was a popsicle. It’s the friendly thing to do. That’s it.” 

“TJ, dear, darling..” She begins and TJ forces himself to not shrink in on himself any more. He knows his shoulders have already hunched forward enough and he can’t tear his gaze from the dinner plate. He’s heard worse than whatever she’s going to tell him and he’s going to survive this too. “While, I can’t fault you for having great taste in movies and men…I can’t help but wonder when you’re going to realize that, well, you’re looking at men who might want to roll around once or twice, but you’re never going to get what you want.”

She takes a breath before she continues.  “You need to stop trying to sleep with straight-laced, blond men out. If You-Know-Who wasn’t going to come out, what makes you think that Captain America would ever? Besides, you realize you look like his dead best friend?”

As much as he loves his grandmother, there were moments when she tests his resolve and this is one of them. He wants to push away from the table, but he can’t even force himself to look up from his plate.

“That’s enough,” Doug cuts in, obviously seeing TJ’s reaction. His Gran waves her hand in response and that’s how TJ knows she definitely had a flask in her purse because she had definitely been drinking from it before she arrived. She probably thought that her daughter was going to show up.

“We were both thinking it.”

TJ takes a deep breath, forcing a strained smile. “Shut up, Gran. I’m allowed to have friends. And that’s all we are. Friends. He’s straight.”

“I’m looking at your face and I know you TJ. You can’t be friends with anyone who has an ass like that.” She said and TJ knows her purse is sitting on the kitchen counter. He could excuse himself from the dining room and it would be so easy to take the edge off.

He stops the thought in his tracks and shakes his head. He hates this. He hates knowing that no one has faith in him. He hates being the cautionary tale that people talk to their kids about and use to keep them in the closet.

_ Keep playing straight. You remember what happened to TJ Hammond? I don’t want that for you. It’s better to stay in the closet for now. _

TJ glances up at the ceiling and focuses on the decorative light that Anne installed when they moved in the house. It’s bright and sort of modern. 

He wants to scream that Steve is his soulmate and that they’ve kissed, but he keeps his mouth shut. TJ is good at that. Well, sometimes.

“Well, with that, TJ and I are going to go get dessert ready,” Anne said as she stands up from the table. She grabs TJ by the shoulder and TJ finds himself being manhandled up and out of the room by his very pregnant sister-in-law. When he’s in the kitchen, his gaze goes immediately to his Gran’s purse and Anne follows it. She opens the bag and digs through it, finding the flask and pulling it out. She takes it over to the sink and dumps it out before she returns it to the purse.

“Better?” She asks, folding her arms over her chest. TJ nods and she gives him a small smile. “The old bat was out of line. I love her and I know she meant well, but that’s not okay.”

She walks over to TJ and pulls him in a hug, letting him hold her for a few seconds before she finally pulls away. “I believe in you, TJ. It’s hard. Trust me, but I believe in you and I think it’s nice that you have a friend. You need a friend who isn’t me or your brother.”

TJ opens his mouth to say something about Anne learning that in the family therapy sessions from when he was in rehab for the millionth time, but Anne shakes her head and goes to the refrigerator. “Nope. Don’t say anything. I’m actually using you to carry the dessert in because I’m lazy and my feet hurt.”

She dumps the serving plate into his hands before she points at the dining room door. “Come on.”

Without a word, he follows her into the dining room. For a while, he thought that Anne was sort of useless and he didn’t see what was holding her or Doug together. After all, TJ knew all about what happened between Doug and Susan, but now he figured out why Anne was so important to him. She had her own struggles and she understood what TJ was going through with his. They were also the only two people who went to therapy at least once a week and there really was a bond in having to build yourself back up after being broken.

The tense atmosphere in the dining room lets TJ know that his brother had definitely had words with their grandmother. Sometimes he wants to hug Doug, but for right now he settles for kicking his ankle underneath the table. Doug hisses in pain and shakes his head, but gives TJ a fond smile anyway. TJ’s the fucked-up-but-working-on-it older brother and Doug will never stop protecting him. It’s kind of nice. It’s actually like they’re becoming a slightly functioning family. Slightly being the key word.

“Okay, guys. I know there’s one thing everyone loves more than pointing out my flaws and it’s pecan pie, so how about we just eat it and be done with it?” TJ asks as he reaches out to take a slice of pecan pie from the middle of the table.

His Gran snorts and follows his lead. “You make this, Anne?”

“Oh, no. Someone at this little bakery I know did,” Anne says as Doug deposits a slice down on her plate. “I might be a wife, but I’m not going to start making pies or cookies.”

“Want to give me the number of the pie person, Annie?” TJ asks the second he’s finished chewing a piece of the pie. “I’ll be bringing this to the next family thing we have.”

“Over my cold, dead corpse. This person is mine.” Her grin is sweet enough to melt the tense atmosphere and the rest of the evening passes by smoothly. Until they pull out Uno. Both Doug and Gran disown TJ at least seven times. It’s not his fault they don’t have his luck with Draw Four’s.

\---

Gran leaves sometime around nine and TJ stays until ten, staring at his phone and wondering if he should call Miguel and let him know what happened. He’s feeling better enough to go home, but Doug came over to him after Gran had left to check on him and now TJ’s doubting himself. Is Doug just worried or is TJ giving off an air that says he’s going to do something stupid? He’s not sure and he hates not being sure about himself anymore.

He settles for a simple text message, but is surprised to find a text message from Steve waiting in his iMessages.

> _ FROM STEVE ROGERS: Natasha and I were talking on the mission and she said John Hughes is overrated. _

TJ has the urge to respond immediately, but he knows the second he texts Steve means he will push off texting Miguel. He types out his message to his sponsor first.

> _ TO MIGUEL: I felt the urge to drink. I had a plan in place, but I don’t think I was going to do it. I’m feeling better now and I don’t feel the urge to drink anymore, but yeah. This is me telling you stuff. _

The response from his sponsor comes a second later.

> _ FROM MIGUEL: I’m gonna be at your apartment in an hour and we’re gonna talk. No ifs, ands, or buts about it. My kid’s in bed and my wife wants to watch some stupid Netflix show in peace, so you’re not disturbing my life. _
> 
> _ FROM MIGUEL: Thanks for telling me, TJ. _
> 
> _ TO MIGUEL: See you soon. You know my address. _

He stares at the text message and doesn’t respond to Steve just yet, choosing instead to turn his attention back to Doug and Anne.

“Okay, you two. You don’t have to worry about my sobriety for another night. My sponsor is coming over and we’re going to have a heart-to-heart and he won’t leave me alone until he’s sure I’m fine.” TJ stretches slightly as he speaks, standing up the second he hears his back crack comfortably. “We’ll probably end up watching the Discovery Channel. Apparently, his kid is obsessed with sharks, so he’s trying to brush up on shark facts.”

Doug and Anne both hug him as he leaves and TJ keeps Steve’s text message in the back of his mind as he drives to his apartment.

He lets himself answer the text message when he’s alone in his apartment, waiting for Miguel to arrive.

> _ TO STEVE ROGERS: Tell Natasha to meet me in the pit. _

The next arrives in five minutes. 

> _ FROM STEVE ROGERS: When are we watching our next movie? _
> 
> _ TO STEVE ROGERS: When are you free next?  _
> 
> _ FROM STEVE ROGERS: I just got back from mission. I could do now? _

That’s the moment Miguel chooses to buzz himself up and TJ sets his phone on the table. As much as he wants to pretend like his Gran’s words weren’t true, he knows that she had a point. He needs to talk with someone about it and that someone had just arrived at his door.

He opens the door for Miguel when he knocks and TJ stares at him in the doorway for a few seconds. He feels like he does a lot more staring these days.

“Okay. I didn’t fuck up my sobriety but I made out with Captain America last night and I think he’s my soulmate and I’m afraid I’m fucking up and holy fucking shit why did I tell you that? Please don’t tell the papers.”

Miguel raises one brow before he pushes TJ aside and walks into the apartment. “I’m not telling anyone anything and you’re supposed to tell me things that make you think you’re gonna fuck up. Now sit your ass down on the couch and we’re gonna have a conversation.”

Shutting the door after him, TJ follows Miguel’s orders and sits down on the couch, feet propped up on the coffee table. Miguel sits down in the chair near him and shakes his head. 

“You know, I thought we were gonna talk about what triggered you and what we can do to cope with that in the future, but it seems like we got something else to talk about first.” Miguel starts, pressing his fingers into a triangle as he looks at TJ.

“Wait. Am I allowed to ask you what you do outside of this first? I literally just told you Captain America is my soulmate and we’ve never actually talked about you. All I know is you’ve been clean for five years and your brother is still an addict and you see him all the time, so there’s nothing I can do to make you relapse. And I feel like you know a lot more about me because my entire life and my ass has been online and in print,” TJ recites and Miguel rolls his eyes.

“Sure thing, kid. If it’ll make you feel better. Outside of here, I work at the VA with the recently returned guys. I lead their therapy groups, but I don’t know how much longer they’re gonna have me do that. I’m being eyed for a promotion, so I’ll have to start looking for a successor at some point.” Miguel leans back in TJ’s chair. “I was in the Army and you know I went to West Point. First kid in my family to go to college and I was one of the first boots down in Afghanistan and it…well… All I can say is war is hell. I saw a lot of shit and life was rough when I got back. I coped in bad ways, but I got my shit together and now I have a wife and a kid and student loans from my Master’s out my ass, but I have a job I like and I have you to worry about. And that’s pretty much it. Now we’re gonna talk about you. What are you afraid of? Think about it.”

TJ stares at Miguel for a second and actually thinks before he responds. “Fucking up. I’ve been the fuck up my entire life and everyone looks at me and they’re disappointed. Doug’s worked past it, but…my mom and my Gran? They don’t think I can do it. I’ve done some really shitty things and I’m afraid of doing them again.”

There’s a pause between his words and then he closes his eyes, waiting before he continues to speak. “I’m afraid of being hurt again. I’m afraid of setting myself up for it. Steve’s fun and we made out and he was into it, but I’ve made out with a lot of straight guys who were into it. But he’s also my soulmate, so does that mean he’s into men? I want to change and I’m afraid that I’m going to get in too deep with a guy who will always be in the closet. Again.”

There are tears prickling the corners of his eyes and Miguel waits for him to compose himself before he begins. “This is gonna sound really shitty, but have you considered talking to him? Because it seems like you have a lot of baggage and you need to unpack it. You made out with him and maybe he regrets it, but you won’t know until you ask him. You need to ask him what he thinks about everything. Straight out ask him if he’s into guys. TJ, I like you, kid. I do. A lot. But you’re shit at communicating. And this is you’re soulmate we’re talking about. Honestly, you are pure shit at it. It’s like you don’t wanna bother people with your thoughts. I believe you’re gonna stay sober and you’re gonna make something of yourself, but this is me showing you some tough love right now. Learn to fucking talk to people. This with me? It’s a great start, but you need to talk to Steve and you need to do it as soon as possible.”

Opening his eyes to look at him, TJ opens his mouth to say something but Miguel holds up a hand and cuts him off.

“The talking comes after I’m finished. Because I’ve been through this. Anyway, ask Steve about what it meant to him. What are you both looking for? Does he want the same thing? How does he feel about it? Maybe you two are the soulmates that fairytales are made of. Maybe you’ll discover this could turn into something more, but it eventually ends. Maybe you’ll discover you’re just going to be good friends. Maybe you’ll discover Steve has got a lot of internalized self-hatred and you need to cut ties fast. You won’t know until you talk to him. Now you can talk.”

TJ looks down at his hands and sits in silence before he finally nods in agreement. “I’m not used to people listening to me when I talk.”

“Then those aren’t the people you want in your life.”

He considers it for a second before he nods. “I’ll talk to him about it. I…yeah. I will. Just…can you write down a list of questions I should ask?”

Miguel grins at that. “Get me a piece of paper and a pen. You can pay me back by letting me watch a documentary on hammerhead sharks. My son is doing a science report on them and I think I should know what he’s talking about. I studied psych not marine biology.”

TJ’s smile widens and he stands up to grab Miguel’s things. They spend the rest of the evening drinking sodas in TJ’s living room and talking about sharks. Miguel leaves around midnight when his wife texts him that she’s done with the latest season of Downton Abbey. TJ gets a hug before he goes and it’s then that he realizes that he’s not entirely friendless.

When Miguel’s gone, TJ turns to his phone and looks back at the message that Steve sent. He types out his response.

> _ TO STEVE ROGERS: Soon. Want to meet at the park by my place tomorrow? Er. Later today? At one or so? There’s a pond there with ducks. _

Steve responds almost instantly.

> _ FROM STEVE ROGERS: Did you just invite me to feed ducks? _
> 
> _ TO STEVE ROGERS: Feeding ducks is bad. We’re gonna watch ducks. And? _
> 
> _ FROM STEVE ROGERS: Fine with me. See you then. _

\---

TJ hardly sleeps that night, turning over and over in his bed as he tries to think of all of the things he’s going to ask Steve when they meet. Around three, TJ drifts off and ends up waking up around noon. He curses himself for forgetting to set an alarm and quickly showers, choosing to leave his hair wet. It’s only going to get mushed underneath a baseball cap anyway.

There’s one good uniform for going incognito and it’s college-kid attire. He grabs an American University hoodie he stole from some guy he hooked up with, a baseball cap, and sunglasses before he heads out the door. He walks to the park, suddenly thankful that no one questions someone that looks like they just rolled out of bed on a Sunday morning. 

Everyone’s probably assuming it’s a hangover. They definitely aren’t guessing that it’s TJ Hammond going to the park to watch ducks with Captain America. Which sounds a bit like a bad version of Clue where no one gets murdered and it’s really just an awkward date.

When he gets to the park, he immediately sits down on one of the benches near the pond. Parents pass by with their kids, but no one seems focused on the guy in the red hoodie. 

He doesn’t even have to text Steve his location. Steve sits down at the other edge of the bench and TJ raises a brow when he looks him up and down. Hoodie. Baseball cap. Converse. 

“I see you got the memo about the clothes,” he teases before he points to his sunglasses. “You’re missing the key accessory, though.”

Before Steve can say anything, TJ gets up from the bench and gestures towards the path. “C’mon. I know a secret duck watching place.”

It’s not even a euphemism for anything. TJ actually does know a secret place near the ducks because he stumbled upon it by accident. Long story, or something.

Steve follows TJ without asking any questions and a short five-minute walk brings them to some bushes with the faintest of paths. TJ makes sure Steve is right behind him and they push through the bushes and into a small clearing. It’s right at the water’s edge and there’s no chance they can be seen from the path. Not that anyone is going to expect TJ Hammond and Steve Rogers are watching ducks together.

“Did you know you’re not supposed to feed ducks bread?” TJ says. “Pretty upsetting to figure that out.”

“I actually did bring you here to hang out, you know. In case you thought I was going to suddenly make out with you the second we got here.” Steve sits down next to TJ.

“Yeah, about that, sorry, by the way. I just…” Steve starts and TJ mentally prepares himself to hear the ‘sorry, I’m actually straight line,’ but– “I have to run whenever I get a call. It’s a hazard of the job. I didn’t want to leave.”

Steve trails off to shrug and TJ whips off his glasses so he can look at Steve square in the eye. “What the fuck? Aren’t you supposed to be telling me ‘no homo’ or something? I…what the fuck?”

TJ pauses for a second before he realizes that probably came out really shitty. “Okay, wait. Let me rephrase that in way that wouldn’t give my publicist a heart attack. Did you enjoy making out with me or are you grossed out by the fact you kissed me? Like, we’re soulmates. But are you attracted to me? Because I know about the 1940s and their attitudes towards homosexuality and they’re not great at all and also platonic soulmates or a thing or you may not actually be my soulmate or....”

TJ trails off. He’s talking a million miles a minute.

“Yeah, trust me. I lived through them. There was a reason why I didn’t…” Steve trails off and it takes TJ a second to realize what Steve said, but before he can say anything Steve continues speaking. “I enjoyed kissing you, yeah. I did a lot. I like men. And women. And I’m not repelled by it at all and I’m…Yeah. I’m attracted to you. I like guys too.”

TJ almost laughs at the bad kissing part but doesn’t because he realizes that  _ holy fucking shit Captain America is queer. And Captain America is his soulmate.  _ Part of him wants to go thank Jesus personally and the other part of him wants to go back in time to tell his twelve-year-old self that Captain America was going to enjoy kissing him in the future. 

There is another part of him that’s in shock because Captain America just admitted he liked kissing TJ Hammond who really ought to put “known drug addict and gay fuck-up”on his business card.

“So, you’re…?”

“The proper term is bisexual.”

“Good ol’ Google. It helps with everything,” TJ says with a small smile, which fades when he remembers Miguel’s list of questions and things that need to be addressed. It’s in the front of his hoodie if he needs to pull it out, but he had it memorized. TJ looks away from Steve to watch one of the ducks honking impatiently at another. “There you go, you little shit. Anyway, so, what now?”

“What now?” Steve asks.

“Yeah. What now? Are you…just…making out with no strings attached or are you…looking for a permanent person to make out with or…what?” TJ thanks God for the second time that day because Miguel would have slapped him for that question.

Steve laughs at that. “You’re my soulmate and I want to explore that. I know Natasha thinks I need to…find someone to make out with, yeah. I’ve been fighting her on it, but…”

“But?” TJ pries, trying to act cool and failing. One of the ducks is starting to move towards the two of them and TJ doesn’t want to deal with that.

“Are you asking me if I want to kiss you again? Because the answer is yes.” Steve says, rolling his eyes.

“Thank Christ. You’ve got so much to learn about kissing. I don’t want to set you loose on the world without practice,” TJ mumbles. “Wait. Shit. This is going to be so weird but…you’re closeted, right? No one knows. Is it…?”

TJ trails off and Steve’s silent for a long time. TJ curses himself internally. Of course he blew it. He plans to send Miguel a text message and to tell him to bring Taco Bell over. TJ needs to punish himself somehow and if he can’t use drugs he can use shitty, fake Mexican food to do it.

A few minutes pass before Steve speaks. “I spent most of my life pretending that I wasn’t different. I lived in an area that turned a blind eye, but there were a few days when I would hear about some guys who were caught doing something. Some of them were arrested and then others were…Well, examples were made out of them. When I came out of the ice, I found out that it’s accepted now and that people can marry the people they want to marry, but I still can’t help looking over my shoulder. It’s a culture shock.”

Steve rubs his eyes with the heel of his palm. “I’m going to do it. Soon. I want to do it soon, but I just... I want to do it when I’m ready. I’m still adjusting to the thought that it’s not going to wind up with me dead or something. I also woke up to find all of my friends dead and I’m still trying to get over that.”

Silence falls between them as TJ remembers his own coming out and the various excuses he’s heard from others before about why they hadn’t yet. Steve’s seems the most genuine and TJ knows he’s screwed when it comes to the other man. He’s going to fall, crash, and burn. But he wants to do it.

“I look like him.” TJ says as he tries to shoo the approaching duck away. Though, he figures he might as well get all of the questions out of the way.

“You do.” Steve states. “But you’re not him.”

TJ can’t help but smile the tiniest bit at that. He doesn’t want to be like Bucky Barnes. He’s gone through his entire life hearing about the resemblance and how Bucky Barnes was dedicated to his country, but TJ thinks it’s a load of crap. 

Steve reaches out to take TJ’s hand and he brushes his thumb over TJ’s soulmark. TJ almost wants to cry. 

Everything is a load of crap, but at least he’s now sure that he’s nothing like the late sergeant.

“Can I buy you coffee?” Steve asks, glancing over at TJ. “I passed a Starbucks and I figured that we could head there and-“

Holding up a hand, TJ cuts Steve off. “Okay. I don’t know if you’ve ever watched the news, but the news is this city’s version of porn and my entire life has been on it. And you have been too since New York. Everyone in this city has an Android or an iPhone. Sometimes both and it’s prime brunch time right now, so everyone is out. If you want to do things on your terms, which are the not outing yourself terms, I’m going to suggest you stay here while I go grab the coffee. The price of that is you make me dinner at some point.”

The smile on Steve’s face said it all and TJ can feel himself soaring a bit. It’s only a matter of time before the fall, but that can wait a bit.

“Tomorrow?” Steve asks. TJ checks his phone before he shakes his head. He had both therapy and his NA meeting that afternoon, so he’s going to not be great company towards the end of the day. In fact, he’s sure he’s just going to order six pints of Chinese food and eat them all by himself. He’ll deserve it.

“How about Tuesday? You’re cooking at yours. I have absolutely nothing at my place.” TJ says and Steve nods in agreement. 

Before he can say anything else, TJ leans over to peck his lips before he stands up. Just to, you know, make sure. “What do you want?”

“Just a regular coffee. Black.” Steve responds, staring up at him as TJ brushes the dirt off his pants.

“That’s so boring. Live a little and try a latte, Rogers,” TJ responds as he tries to bat the approaching duck away with his foot. The duck is starting to retreat, so TJ counts himself as victorious.

“Well, we didn’t have fancy Italian imports or lattes during World War II. We had black sludge.” Steve starts and TJ gives him an eye roll in return.

“It’s the future. You don’t have to punish yourself by drinking black coffee. Anyway, I’m going to go get coffee. Don’t let that duck attack you.” TJ turns and climbs out of the bushes. He heads in the direction of the Starbucks nearby even though part of him wants to go to the café a few blocks away and get some real coffee. However, that’s an extra ten-minute walk and TJ isn’t about that right now. All he wants is to get back to Steve as quickly as possible.

There is an alarm that goes off in TJ’s brain whenever he makes bad life choices and it is currently ringing non-stop, but TJ had always been good at ignoring that part of his brain. It was something he had talked with his therapist about. She called it his “self-preservation instinct” and suggested that TJ maybe ought to start listening to it. Lately, TJ found himself listening to that alarm more and more, but he ignores it for now. This entire thing is going to crash and burn. He knows that and he’ll deserve it when it happens. He deserves everything that happens to him.

And maybe he deserves Steve Rogers as his soulmate. Whatever that brings him.

He steps into the Starbucks and goes up to the counter, giving the barista a fake name as he orders the drinks. He knows better than to give his actual name at these sort of places. From the corner of his eye, he sees someone lift a camera phone in his direction and he’s not sure if it’s a selfie or if this visit will end up on Instagram. TJ knows he ought to be used to it, but there’s something about knowing his movements are being tracked not just by some government agencies but also by DC interns who would have their phones surgically attached to their bodies if that was possible **.**

“Mocha with a double shot of espresso and black coffee!” One of the baristas calls out and TJ steps forward, grabbing the two cups. He hightails it out of the coffee shop and back in the direction of the park, making sure to check over his shoulder every so often. He needs to make sure any starry-eyed interns or fresh faces in DC who would want to take a picture with him aren’t following him. 

When he finds himself in the clear, he ducks back into the park and heads to where Steve is hopefully still sitting. There was always the chance that Steve could have run the second he got the chance.

TJ stumbles back into the brush and gives Steve a wide smile when he sees that Steve is still sitting by the water’s edge.

Steve greets TJ with a nod of his head as he makes a clicking noise at a duck that had been trying to attack TJ earlier. TJ stares for a second before he sits down on the opposite side of Steve. 

“Really, Stevie? I’m gone for maybe twenty minutes and you go make friends with the duck that was trying to kill me earlier?”

Steve throws back his head and laughs while a duck comes up to him. When Steve notices, he looks back at the duck and holds up his empty hands. “No bread, little guy.”

The duck honks angrily before it wanders off and Steve takes his coffee from TJ. “What did you end up getting?”

“Skim mocha with a double shot of espresso and no whip.” TJ takes a sip of his drink for emphasis. “Much better than plain old black coffee.”

“Coffee should taste like coffee and trust me when I say this stuff is better than the sludge we used to have before.”

**“** Whatever, Stevie. Whatever.” TJ lifts the coffee to his lips and takes a long drink, letting out a sigh of appreciation when he’s finished with that sip. TJ’s phone beeps a second later and he ignores it to bump his coffee cup against Steve’s own. “Another thing you can add and cross off your list.”

“I’ve had Starbucks before,” Steve says and TJ rolls his eyes, taking another sip of his mocha. 

“I don’t think there’s a person in this city who hasn’t had Starbucks. Almost everyone in D.C. goes to either Starbucks or Dunkin Donuts. Both absolutely suck, but I hit Starbucks Gold Level in like a week, which only proves that I have major problems.” TJ looks over at Steve and knits his brows together, wondering exactly how he ended up in this situation. Some days he feels like his entire existence is in conflict between his heart, his mind, and what he knows his family is going to think is right. 

Time and time, he’s learned that he is really only good at just making one mistake after another. He had tried listening to his heart before and that ended up with him waking up in a hospital bed.

Steve lifts his cup of coffee to his lips and takes a sip. “I don’t care what it is. As long as it’s coffee.”

“Does coffee even work on you?” TJ asks. “I hate to tell you this, but there’s an exhibit on you at the Smithsonian. My brother took his wife there on a date and now I think he knows more facts about you than me. If alcohol doesn’t work, then does coffee?”

Steve groans in response and takes another sip of coffee. “Not that stupid exhibit again. Did you know they’re redoing the whole thing since the world figured out I’m back?”

“No. Is it closed yet? Because I think I’m going to take you to see you freak out. Anyway, answer the damn coffee question.”

“My body processes it too fast for it to have any effect on me, but I enjoy drinking it.” He shrugs. “Black coffee’s simple.”

“Try a latte or a mocha, Steve. Your taste buds will thank me.” 

Steve leans forward and takes the mocha out of TJ’s hands and swallows it. He hums once and TJ immediately goes in to kiss him, tasting his own coffee on Steve’s lips.  It’s a brief kiss and he pulls away a second later to swipe his mocha back.

“Mine.”

“It’s good, but I think I’ll stick with taking my coffee black.” Steve has a shit-eating grin on his face and TJ can’t help but think Steve needs to smile more. He always looks too stoic. Like he has the weight of the world on his shoulders and no one understands it. TJ thinks he gets it.

“So, you got anywhere to be soon?” TJ asks and Steve nods. 

“Yeah. I have mass at two.” Steve admits and TJ tilts his head to the side, wondering why Captain America goes to church.

“Mass?” He asks, just clarifying that Steve didn’t say something else, like ‘class’.

Steve nods. “Yeah. I’ve been going since I got back. Sounds weird, but the Priest there was the same one who was at my Parish in Brooklyn and just…I never went before the war and I just…it’s nice to know that something has stayed the same. I walk in, I know exactly what to expect. 

“That’s actually really nice.” TJ responds and Steve nods. It takes TJ a second to realize that Steve probably had last seen this priest something like two years ago and now decades had passed.

“I’ll probably just sneak in the back. Apparently word got out that I go there and, well, there are a lot more people in the pews these days.”

TJ understands that feeling and he leans his forehead against Steve’s shoulder for the briefest second. “Well, you better get going. I don’t want you to have to repent for that along with making out with me.”

“Trust me, TJ. I’ve got a lot more things to repent for than kissing you. Plus, kissing you isn’t a sin.” Steve murmurs and TJ knows he shouldn’t press any further. Steve is allowed to have his own secrets. They sit in companionable silence for a little bit longer, finally standing up when Steve decides he actually had to get going.

Behind the cover of the bushes, TJ kisses him once more before he presses his sunglasses into Steve’s hand. “Work on going incognito.”

“I’ll do my best,” Steve says before he pushes through the bushes and disappears so he can go repent for something.

\---

There is just something that TJ hates about group. It was just like rehab, where he was supposed to say all the right things that would make it seem like he was progressing. The one thing he had learned, however, was progress wasn’t necessarily a straight line, but that didn’t mean he didn’t feel like shit for his progress not being on the upward moving trajectory part.

He still went to his group sessions, but therapy was a completely different story for him. Therapy was intense, but he oddly enough enjoyed it. Or enjoyed therapy as much as one could. He at least enjoyed having an unbiased party listen to him and give him a view that didn’t involve DC or family politics. 

Most of the time, it felt like he couldn’t tell anyone anything, but that changed when he was in his therapist’s office. At first, he felt like he couldn’t say anything, but it all came rushing out after a few sessions. It was odd having a therapist tell him to be selfish, but that was apparently something that therapists did and apparently TJ needed to work on pursuing his own happiness.

His therapist, Meredith, was a tiny, old white-haired woman who didn’t even blink when he talked about snorting cocaine before family gatherings and self-medicating with pills and sex. Instead, she asked if he had ever considered the fact he might have depression and gave him the number of a psychiatrist who she thought would help. 

The psychiatrist did help and now the two of them worked together to keep TJ on task. His therapist bumped his therapy with her up to twice a week and he visited his psychiatrist once a week. 

For the first time in a long time, it seemed as though TJ was finally starting to get a handle on things. He had depression and anxiety and almost no coping methods, but at least he knew. Some days, he felt like that, but other days it felt like the prospect of leaving his bed was too much.

Entering her office, TJ immediately plops down in his usual chair. 

“I’m about to fuck up again,” he says as he crosses his arms over his chest.

Meredith sighs and pulls out the folder she kept her notes on TJ in. “Again? You’ve been doing pretty well for as far as I knew.”

He looks at her with a slightly exasperated look. “I kissed a closeted guy who is my soulmate and I’m going over to his place for dinner tomorrow. The chance of this guy ever coming out is stupidly slim and I’m just wondering why I keep doing these things to myself. He’s also my soulmate. ”

TJ leans his head back so he can look at the ceiling. His therapist is quiet for a moment so she can process the situation before she speaks. “That’s important to you and you’ve said that before. You want to be able to be with a partner who is also open about his sexuality. Soulmate or not.”

“Yeah, I mean. I understand why this guy is in the closet, but I understood why the last guy wasn’t out too. We both know exactly how that ended.” He continues to stare up at the ceiling and is suddenly thankful for non-disclosure agreements and the fact she came with Anne’s recommendation. Anne’s own therapist is in the same practice, so it wasn’t hard for TJ to trust this one. 

“Do I just not deserve someone like that? Do I not deserve someone whose hand I could hold in public or who is fine with kissing me at a coffee place? Why do I always attract the closeted guys who force me to sneak in and out of their places? Or guys who only want to tell their friends that they got to suck my dick? I don’t understand.” He trails off and pinches the bridge of his nose. He thinks about Anne and Doug’s stupid slice of normality in DC and how they still had it together even with all of their stupid mistakes. He thinks about the yellow bedroom and the stupid stuffed animal that he had bought for the baby before he went to group.

“Do not I deserve a real fucking soulmate? Someone to love me?”

He thinks about the fact his life would never be like that. He wants that normalcy on some level, but the truth is that he is never meant to have it. He would be lucky if Steve didn’t immediately kick him out if they had sex. He would also be lucky if Steve didn’t give him the “actually not into guys” speech after a few months. TJ had been on the receiving end of that speech more than a few times and it never ceased to hurt him.

“What do you want, TJ?” She asks, waiting for his answer with her pen hovered over the folder.

“I just want someone to not be ashamed to love me. That’s honestly it.” He’s silent for a second before he continues.

“I want that soulmate-type love. But that’s not in the cards for me. Even if I meet someone who is out, what are the chances they’re not going to be ashamed of a partner who has fucked half of DC and done irreparable damage to his liver? Finding someone who loves me isn’t in the cards for now. I have to fix myself first. I can’t rely on other people to fix me. I mean, they can help a little. But it’s up to me to not be the fuck up. I don’t want to be the fuck up.”

He’s quiet for just a little bit longer, Meredith giving him time to process his thoughts before she continues. He thinks it’s nice that she’s considerate of giving him time and space, but sometimes he feels so raw coming out of his therapy sessions that he isn’t sure why he’s doing this. He considers never coming to another session, but he always ends up coming to the next appointment.

“Which brings me to my next point.” Meredith glances down at her clipboard and circles something before she glances back at TJ. “Have you given any thought to our last session together? The one about finding a job?”

TJ lifts his head off the back of the chair and stares at her for a long moment before he shrugs. “To quote both you and my brother, my full-time job right now is getting better.”

“I know you don’t want to think about it, but I would start figuring out what you maybe think you want to move onto. You’re not someone to sit at home and be idle.”

**“** No, I’m not. But I am for right now.”

“You used to have a club,” she starts and TJ uses his hand to gesture down at himself and then the room.

“You know, it’s really hard for an addict with drug problems to be in a place where people do drugs, drink alcohol, and fuck in the bathroom. Especially when he also can’t drink alcohol because it’ll conflict with his crazy pills.”

“Don’t call them crazy pills.” Meredith blinks before she writes something in her folder. “You like music. Something with music?”

TJ shakes his head. “My mother thinks I need to work for a charity. Something cute and nine-to-five that will redeem me in the eyes of the public when she runs for president, but half the time I can’t even pull myself out of bed. I can’t do any of those adult things because I’m pathetic. I’m broken. I trust people and then they hurt me and then I’m back to square one because I can’t cope. I just…I don’t think any of these things will work. I don’t think I work.”  
“You are not broken. You have depression and it is a treatable illness. Would you call someone with cancer and tell them that they were broken because of their cells? No, you wouldn’t so don’t call yourself that. You’re struggling, TJ. That’s it. We all struggle and your struggle isn’t any less valid because of who you are.”

He forces himself to stay silent for a while and takes in her words as he covers his mouth with his hand. They’ve talked about this before. “Other people see it that way. He might see it that way.”

“Then would you want to be with him? If he saw you as broken.”

TJ purses his lips together and shakes his head again. “No. I…I deserve more than that. At least, I think I should deserve more than that.”

He does deserve more than that. Maybe. He’s still working on trying to believe that.

“So do I tell him? About being depressed and everything else that is wrong with me?”

“Of course you tell him at some point, but right now I need you to know something and it is that you can’t be the only one to compromise in a relationship. Not just in this one, but also in any relationship you have, whether it is with your friends or your family or a partner. You sacrifice yourself for other people and you need to learn to be selfish in new and different ways.”

“I don’t sacrifice that much…” TJ murmurs and Meredith shakes her head.

“You sacrifice for everyone in your life and you’re rebuilding. It’s time to be a little bit selfish with the things you need to start over and have a fulfilling life.” She closes her folder on him and smiles, nodding towards the clock. “You’ve got a lot to think about.”

“I always do,” he replies as he stands up, stretching his arms above his head as he moves towards the exit. He nods at her as he exits the door, knowing that they would have a lot to talk about in a few days after his dinner date.

  
\---

The next morning, TJ wakes up and dutifully takes all of his medicine with a slice of toast before he hops in the shower. Except for a check-in with his psychiatrist, there is nothing on the agenda for him to do except wait for seven to come. It was going to be excruciatingly slow and TJ is certain he is going to go insane.

That only meant that he had plenty of time to think about what his therapist had said to him previously. It’s true that TJ couldn’t spend the rest of his days doing nothing. Going back to the club or opening the new one was out of the question and he knows that, even if someone was to come and sweep himself off his feet, there was no way that he was going to be okay with being a househusband. He needs to be doing something, but he was sure that it didn’t involve pushing paper at one of his mother’s favored charities. Not that there was anything wrong with  these charities, but TJ just couldn’t imagine sitting on the board and doing nothing.

He needs to be doing something hands-on. To do something that would give him some sense of satisfaction. 

After his shower, TJ goes to his kitchen and turns on his coffee maker. He drinks his coffee and makes scrambled eggs for breakfast because he’s feeling lazy. He can cook, but he’s choosing not to in some form of resistance against something. He’s not entirely sure, but he’s telling himself it’s a resistance. TJ wonders how fast he can work through the money in his savings by only eating Chinese food and by getting Starbucks every day. No matter what, he’s saving a lot of money because he’s not spending it all on alcohol and cocaine.

Finally, it comes time to leave for his appointment and TJ gets into his car. He wonders if he should start taking the bus, since driving in DC is ridiculous, but he remembers that then he’d need security and he doesn’t want to deal with that. His appointment with his psychiatrist goes pretty well, since his psychiatrist doesn’t believe that TJ needs to adjust his medicines just yet. TJ tells his doctor about the bad days where he can barely get out of bed and TJ is relieved to hear that it’s normal for patients with depression. He even suggests TJ consider a support group for people with depression, but TJ had enough groups for now. He still takes the card and decides that he’ll keep it in mind.

It’s barely one when he gets back to his apartment and he strips off his clothes so he can immediately fall into bed and take a nap. He wakes about four hours later and panics when he realizes he only has two hours to get ready. 

His hair is a mess and it takes him a good forty-five minutes for him to tame that, but then he can’t figure out what he’s supposed to wear. It’s Steve’s apartment, so he knows it’ll be casual. Being out of the game for months had completely run TJ down and he can’t decide whether he should wear blue or the shirt that’s sort of maroon-ish. 

Instead, he goes with a pair of jeans that he knows won’t fail him, a shirt he got from a band he liked once upon a time, and a leather jacket. He’s seen Steve wear leather jackets, so he knows that the man is a fan. Now it’s just to see if the man is a fan of how they look on TJ.

Around six-thirty, he lets himself go down to his car and makes the drive over to Steve’s apartment building. Public transportation would once again be easier, but he doesn’t feel like seeing anyone when he’s nervous. It’s a twenty-minute drive, but Steve’s building doesn’t have any visitor parking, so TJ has to drive around the block to find a spot. Eventually, he does and it puts him right on time. 

TJ enters Steve’s apartment building hesitantly and makes his way to the elevator, pressing the button to Steve’s floor. The only thing TJ had to punch in to get into the building was a code and Steve hadn’t told him to go up a back staircase or to wear a hat, so TJ figures that going up in the elevator is fine.

When he steps off on the floor, he glances around to make sure the coast is clear before he heads in the direction of Steve’s apartment. He’s foiled, however, when the door to one of the apartments opens. TJ internally curses when a blonde in scrubs steps out, giving him an inquisitive look. She’s carrying a laundry basket and TJ’s praying that she doesn’t recognize him. “Can I help you with something?”

“Uh, no. I’m just…no. I’m fine, thanks.” TJ says, giving her his best smile as he pauses in the hallway.  “Visiting a friend, that’s all.”

The nurse nods and points towards the door she had just come out of. “I’m Kate and I live there, so if you need something, well, feel free to knock.” 

With that, she brushes past him and into the elevator. She doesn’t even spare him a backwards glance, but TJ still waits for the doors to close before he goes over to Steve’s door. He knocks and it’s not even a thirty seconds before Steve opens the door.

“Hey, come on in.. I just put the food in the oven and before you ask, yes I know how to use an oven and a microwave. It was part of my 21 st century training.” Steve steps aside and TJ steps into his apartment, immediately glancing around at the décor. He’s trying to ignore the shaky feeling in his chest and hopes that Kate doesn’t ask Steve why TJ Hammond was wandering about their apartment building.

He tilts his chin in the direction of the corner of the room. “Is that a record player? You’re such a hipster.”

TJ doesn’t even wait for Steve to reply and instead heads towards his record collection, flipping through a few different albums before he pulls one out. Steve shuts the door and comes over to his side, looking at the random album that TJ had just put the needle on.

When it starts playing, TJ turns back to Steve and grins. “Nice music taste, but don’t think I didn’t notice that you only have biographies in here. You’re technically younger than me. Shouldn’t you be, I don’t know, listening to god awful dubstep and only reading Buzzfeed articles?”

“I’m more of a fan of finding out which Gilmore Girls character I am, but biographies are good too.”

TJ looks at him. “So which Gilmore Girls character are you?”

“Luke.” 

“I wouldn’t think of you as a Luke,” TJ replies as he goes back to examining Steve’s apartment. “I’m actually just surprised that you’ve seen Gilmore Girls.”

“I’m working through it right now, actually. I watched an episode on a mission and now I’m three seasons in. Want me to sing you the theme song?” Steve asks and as much as TJ is tempted by that offer, he needs to keep looking around Steve’s apartment. TJ has always been curious and part of him wants to know if Steve’s apartment is more of a hotel or a home. 

Looking around the place, TJ doesn’t think that Steve actually picked out any of the furniture. More like someone who thought they knew Steve picked it out and placed it in the space. He can tell which bits are Steve, though. The banged up record player that looks like it was thrifted and the drawing pad on the table. There are few knick-knacks that look like they were retrieved from some collector’s vault, but what really draws TJ’s eye is the framed photo of the Howling Commandos hanging on the wall.

He approaches the photo and tilts his head to the side, examining the photo before he turns to Steve. TJ pointedly ignores looking at Bucky Barnes. “You miss them?”

Steve comes to his side and nods, a hand brushing TJ’s hip. “Yeah. A little bit less now that I’ve been awake for a bit, but sometimes it just randomly hits. How much I miss them, I mean.”

TJ’s eyes flicker over the Bucky’s face in the photo and he purses his lips. “Yeah. It’s gotta be hard.”

“Just a bit.” Steve’s face is pulled into a sad smile, the corners of his lips barely pulled up, and he nods towards the kitchen. “Want anything to drink? I don’t have beer or anything, but I have water and orange juice.”

“Well, I don’t drink because it’ll conflict with my depression medications and, oh yeah, I’m a recovering addict. So, really both are fine.”

Steve looks at him for a few seconds before he goes to the cabinet and gets out a glass. “That’s a good reason to not have anything.”

“You Googled me. You admitted you Googled me, so you have to know about the drugs, but I figured we should probably just get that out now.” TJ says as Steve hands him a glass of water. “As of right now, I’ve been clean for three months and my record is six months. I’m hoping to beat that this time around, but it’s not easy. I want to use pretty much every day and when I don’t want to use, I’m pretty much lying in my bed because I don’t think I could even drag myself out of bed to use.”

From his side of the counter, TJ can see Steve’s thoughts flicker across his face. There’s something like concern there and something like sadness, but there isn’t pity in that expression. TJ isn’t sure what he would do if he saw pity on Steve’s face. He doesn’t want to be pitied by him when he made his own choices. He made his bed and now he had to lie in it.

Steve breaks the silence after a few minutes and, when he meets TJ’s eyes, he has the normal, calm expression on his face. “Three months is pretty good. Congratulations. You should be proud of yourself.”

The ice clinks in TJ’s glass and he looks at Steve for a moment, wondering if there’s anything more beneath Steve’s words. He doesn’t see disgust or anything in his face. “You don’t have any questions?”

“Not any that I think I should ask.”

Steve moves to sit at his island and gestures at TJ to sit down at one of the barstools, but TJ shakes his head and chooses to lean against his counter. “I’m trying to destroy whatever this relationship is and you’re telling me that you’re not going to pry? There’s something wrong with you and it’s only a matter of time until I figure out what it is.”

“Why are you trying to do that?” Steve asks as TJ hops up on the counter. TJ swings his legs out as he takes a drink of the water and uses that opportunity to think about what he wants to say next.

“How much of my dirty laundry do you want me to air? Because there’s a lot of it. The one you need to know about is I was in love with a guy once, except he was married and closeted and things did not end well. I can’t put myself through being someone’s dirty secret again.”

Steve looks at him and shakes his head. “You shouldn’t be someone’s dirty secret.”

“But am I gonna be yours?” He asks, looking at Steve as he waits for an answer. “Because I can deal with keeping this a secret from the world for a little bit, while we get to know each other. But I’m not going to be your secret. Even if you are my soulmate. If that makes sense. It does in my mind.”

It feels like the first time they did this, since TJ doesn’t know if he moved first or if Steve did, but suddenly he feels his knees being pressed against Steve’s cabinets and Steve’s lips against his own. It’s not desperate or urgent, but it conveys everything that neither of them are verbalizing. Plus, TJ notices, Steve is getting a lot better at figuring out just how to kiss.

TJ reaches up and fists his hands in Steve’s hair, tugging at the strands as Steve groans against his lips. He’s crowded against the counter and he feels shut off from the world. It’s just this little bubble of the two of them and TJ wouldn’t mind staying here forever. He gasps when Steve bites down on his lower lip and almost wants to pull away to tell him that he knows he stole that move from him, but doesn’t because that would mean pulling away from Steve’s kiss.

They kiss languidly and TJ almost moans when Steve’s fingers slip underneath his shirt. It feels like it could go on forever, but then there’s a knock at the door.

“What. The. Fuck.” TJ curses as Steve pulls away from TJ to look towards the sound of the knock, furrowing his brow before he untangles himself from TJ. He doesn’t tell TJ to hide as he goes to the peephole and looks out, choosing instead to breathe before he opens the door. TJ notes that he didn’t even smooth his hair down.

“Hey there, Rogers.” Natasha Romanoff greets from the door. She steps around Steve and into the apartment without waiting for Steve to invite her in. She gives TJ a nod of acknowledgement before she walks over to the kitchen counter to drop a box there.

“Barton took pity on you after our last mission, so he’s dropped off all of these really important DVDs. I think there’s… _ Terminator _ ,  _ Mission: Impossible _ ,  _ Titanic, _ and probably  _ Sleepless in Seattle _ . Not sure. Oh, and Dog Cops because he’s personally offended you haven’t watched it.”

“You still haven’t seen Dog Cops?” TJ blurts out, shaking his head as he takes a sip of the water. His lips are still tingling from their kiss earlier.

Natasha raises a perfectly done brow. “How did you feel about the season finale?”

“I’m never going to be over it. It was unfair that they suspended the golden retriever.”

“Remind me to introduce him to Barton next time he’s in town.” Natasha said, disregarding TJ so she can turn towards Steve. “Maybe that way he’ll stop talking to me about it.”

“We can only hope,” Steve replies, arms crossed over his chest as he looks down Natasha. She gives Steve a smile before she walks over to him, patting his shoulder as she heads back to the door.

“You boys have fun. Bring me leftovers tomorrow.” With that, she exits the apartment and shuts the door behind her. TJ had already moved from where he was standing to dig through the box.

“Does she do that often?” TJ asks as he holds up the first Saw movie. “This is a good movie. We should have a horror night. Or a Disney movie night. You’ve seen the new ones right?”

Steve takes the movie from TJ’s hands and looks at the description on the back. “I holed up in my apartment for a week when I first woke up to watch all of them, so I’m caught up there.”

TJ lets out a hum that lets Steve know he heard him and continues to sift through all of the movies in the book. “He included  _ Seven _ . That’s also a good movie. Damn it, I should have said something like ‘what’s in the box’ before I opened this. Missed opportunity.”

Looking up, TJ notices Steve watching him and blinks before he sets the DVD down. “What?”

“Nothing, TJ. Nothing at all.” Steve responds as the oven timer dings. “I feel like Natasha comes over whenever she knows I’ve made bacon-wrapped chicken. Sometimes she brings Barton with her.”

“Barton’s the arrow guy, right?” TJ folds the box lids down and watches Steve take the chicken out of the oven. “He must have pretty good taste if he watches Dog Cops.”

Steve laughs at that and TJ smiles, moving over to the sink to refill his water. Steve sets the table while the chicken cools on top of the stove and TJ walks to his side, pressing a kiss to his neck. 

It’s hard for things to not move quickly when you’re desperate for touch and have laid everything bare already.

Steve looks like the typical golden boy, but TJ can tell he really doesn’t feel like he fits in either. 

Everyone sees him as a superhero and even TJ does that at times, but TJ knows there are broken parts just underneath the surface. 

After all, it’s easy to spot those when you have them too.

Craning his neck, TJ whistles when he sees what Steve has cooked. “Oh, so you were serious about making bacon-wrapped chicken. Awesome.”

Steve rolls his eyes. “I mean, I do cook. I learned.”

TJ looks back at Steve. “You going to teach me? Because I’ve had people cooking for me my whole life and I’m kind of horrible at it.”

Steve gives a thoughtful nod at that. “Makes sense. I could teach you, though. I don’t think I’m that terrible.”

“Is there anything you’re terrible at?” TJ asks, his voice just a tiny bit too bitter for his own liking as Steve pulls some plates down from a cabinet. 

“Lots of things,” Steve replies as he sets the table. TJ purses his lips and he’s sure he looks like he’s sucked on a lemon, but he sits down in at the table when Steve gestures for him to sit down.

Dinner passes by and TJ insists on helping Steve wash dishes.

“We’re soulmates,” TJ says, after they’ve wound up on Steve’s couch. TJ has his legs curled up underneath him and Steve is sipping on a cup of coffee as he tells him something about his childhood.

“Yeah.” Steve ducks his head at that. “We are.”

“Why do you think we are?” TJ asks, voice lowering as he tilts his head down to brush his lips against the expanse that is Steve’s neck. It’s been months since he’s gotten any and Steve is nice. Steve is charming and cooked for him and TJ wants to take his clothes off.

Steve swallows and TJ can feel the muscles of Steve’s neck move from underneath his neck.

“My Ma used to say that soulmates were meant to compliment you. To…” Steve shook his head. “To help you through the dark when you don’t know if you can go it alone.”

TJ feels drunk on Steve’s words. They’re so honest, so sweet. He presses his lips to Steve’s neck.

“You gonna help me get through the dark?” TJ asks with a hint of his Southern accent slipping out. Just before a sigh escapes from Steve’s lips.

“Yes,” Steve breathes and just like that TJ is kissing him again because god damn it TJ wants this. He wants the fairytale soulmate story that everyone is always describing and dear god he wants it with Steve. Or at least with someone. 

He had given up on his fairytale when he realized he liked guys. The media made it clear that guys like him never got happy endings or a handsome prince, but sometimes he let himself pretend that someone would whisk him away from a life of charity galas and political rallies. He let himself pretend with Sean and here he was again pretending with Steve.

Boys like TJ didn’t get happy endings.

“I never thought I was gonna meet you,” Steve whispers against TJ’s lips and a bit of TJ dies at hearing those words. Steve crashing towards the ice and realizing he would never get to hear his soulmate say his words. 

TJ’s hands snake up underneath Steve’s shirt and waits a second before he crawls into Steve’s lap. He gasps against TJ’s lips and TJ steers the kiss into something long and deep before he breaks away from the kiss and slides off Steve’s lap.

“Wha-?” Steve begins, but TJ shushes him as he slips between Steve’s legs. TJ reaches up for Steve’s jean buttons and Steve lets out a curse.

Steve murmurs something unintelligible as TJ presses a palm to Steve’s growing erection and he wiggles his hips as TJ does his best to pull his underwear down.

TJ looks up at Steve from underneath his lashes before he licks a stripe up Steve’s cock. A moan escapes from Steve and TJ can only wonder what Steve is going to sound like with TJ’s lips wrapped around his cock. Had Steve ever done something like this before? A conversation for another time, TJ muses as he licks Steve up and down again.

TJ reaches up to fondle Steve’s balls, blowing air on Steve’s cock before he reaches up to pump Steve a few times. The man has grown to full hardness and TJ can’t help but admire him. This isn’t a club bathroom and Steve isn’t some nameless guy who he’ll never speak to again. 

Steve is his soulmate and TJ can make this feel good for him. He can draw this out and he’s going to savor it.  TJ swallows Steve down without another word and honest-to-God moans at the weight of Steve’s cock on his tongue. He can feel himself growing harder in his jeans just knowing that Steve being hard is because of him. 

Curling his tongue, TJ bobs his head up in down in a steady rhythm and sucks, which gets a positive sound from Steve who has his fingers curled against the couch. 

Damn it. TJ wants to make this so good for him. TJ moans again before he pulls away to lick a stripe down his own palm. He meets Steve’s eyes and smirks before he goes right back to sucking the other man off, except now jerking him off in time. It’s the most turned on that TJ has been in god knows how long. Sobriety really is an aphrodisiac.

“TJ, I’m…”  Steve’s words cut off with a moan and TJ knows he’s close.

He hums and Steve moans when TJ flicks his tongue over the head of Steve’s dick. This isn’t going to last long, but honestly TJ doesn’t want it to just yet because he actually believes maybe this is going to happen again. Maybe.

Steve lets out a string of curse words and tries to pull back from, but TJ reaches out with the hand that was pumping Steve and he grips Steve’s hip as he  _ sucks _ . 

Steve’s hips jerk forward and he comes with a shout. TJ swallows Steve down and continues to lick and suck until Steve is softening in his mouth. Steve doesn’t waste any time in pulling TJ up from between his knees and pressing him down on the couch, his hand slipping inside TJ’s jeans to begin jerking him off quickly and efficiently. TJ’s hips cant forward and he’s gripping onto Steve’s shoulders, whispering Steve’s name over and over in his ear until he’s coming all over Steve’s hand.

He’ll never admit that he blacks out a bit at his orgasm, since he doesn’t even remember the last time he had sex sober. (Yes, he does). But he’s floating on a heady rush of endorphins and he can only press his lips to Steve’s in response. They kiss leisurely on the couch until suddenly Steve pulls back and picks TJ up, carrying him bridal style to the bedroom and deposits TJ on his bed.

TJ yanks Steve back down into another bruising kiss and  _ oh my god he’s hard again _ TJ realizes as his own cock gives a jolt. He doesn’t even think about it but immediately reaches down to take Steve in hand, but Steve pushes TJ’s hand away. TJ can only watch through half-lidded eyes as Steve licks his own palm and lines their cocks up before he takes them both in hand to jerk them off.

TJ comes after Steve, since it takes him a bit more to get off the second time and Steve peels their clothing off as TJ lounges on the other man’s bed, far too boneless to help out. Steve comes back with a rag and cleans them off and it’s a few minutes before he joins TJ in the bed, curling around him protectively. TJ registers the press of Steve’s chest against his back before he drifts off to sleep.

He wakes up to a dark room and Steve pulling on some clothes. He props himself up on one elbow and rubs his eyes, frowning when he realizes that this is probably going to be the moment that Steve kicks him and gives him the whole “Sorry-But-I-Made-A-Mistake” speech. 

“Do you need me to go?” He asks, voice rough from sleep and he hears Steve’s intake of breath when he registers the words. TJ’s heart drops in his chest and he begins to sit up. “Gimme a few minutes to find my clothes and I’ll be out of your way.”

“No, no. I’m not asking you to leave. I was just…I can’t manage to make myself sleep past five, so I’m going for a run.” TJ’s eyes are beginning to adjust to the darkness and he notes that Steve’s hand is on the back of his neck. “I didn’t mean to wake you up. I figured you’d be asleep the entire time and I could bring breakfast back.”

Steve reaches out to grab something off the bedside table. It’s an honest-to-god note. Steve wrote him a note saying he was going out for a run.

He blinks and stares up at Steve, trying to figure out exactly what he’s saying.

“So…You’re not kicking me out because you’re freaking out over the fact we got each other off?” TJ blinks blearily before he wipes his eyes with the palm of his hand.

“Go back to sleep. I’ll bring back coffee. I can already tell you’re not a morning person.” The bed dips as Steve climbs on it and he presses his lips to TJ’s mouth, pushing him back against the pillows. TJ hums when he feels his head hit the pillows and he blinks up at Steve, eyes still sleepy.

“Double shot, please.” TJ asks, already falling back asleep now that he knows that Steve isn’t kicking him out of his apartment just yet.

The next time TJ wakes up, it’s to a bag of food that smells delicious and Steve holding a cup of coffee. A little bit more awake, TJ sits up and immediately reaches for the coffee cup, but Steve shakes his head and gestures in the direction of the kitchen. “Nope. No coffee stains in my bed.”

“Those are hardly the worst stains in your bed at the moment,” TJ says, but Steve still shakes his head with disapproval and disappears out the door, taking the bagels and the smell of coffee with him.

It takes TJ a few minutes to find his boxers, which are a lost cause. So, instead TJ finds a pair of Steve’s sweatpants and pulls them on before he stumbles out of the bedroom to get to the kitchen. He’s left his shirt off and he notices Steve’s appreciative glance when he grabs his coffee from him.

He takes a few long swallows before he looks at Steve, who is reaching out a hand to trace the scar on TJ’s abdomen. He pauses mid-reach and TJ gives him a little nod. Steve hesitantly lets his fingertips run over the scar reverently.

“Appendectomy. It almost burst, you know. My parents had an event that night and they thought I was trying to get out of it, so they ignored it,” TJ replies before he takes another sip of the coffee, shivering at the contact despite the warmth of Steve’s fingers. Steve’s hand moves up his side and leaves a trail of fire behind him as his hand moves to his hip.

“This one?” Steve asks and TJ grins as Steve taps against a scar that looks a little bit like the state of Texas if you squint.

“Doug pushed me out of the treehouse at the farm and I landed on a rock.”

Steve chuckles at that and his hand trails upwards again, pausing over TJ’s pectoral muscle and then trailing down his arm. There are a few scars on his body from nights he didn’t remember and from trying a few things he shouldn’t have tried. Bad decisions and forgotten nights go hand in hand.

Steve’s thumb pauses over a tiny pinprick of a scar in the crook of his elbow and TJ doesn’t even know how how Steve spotted it. “Scar from accidentally yanking my IV out. I’ve ended up in the hospital a few times.”

“Want to tell me about any of it?” Steve asks and TJ shakes his head.

“Not yet. I’ve told you all you need to know for now and…I think we’ve both got things we want to keep close to our chest. About things like that.”

There’s no way for Steve to deny it, so he pulls his hand away from TJ’s arm after giving it a little bit of squeeze. Steve’s not stupid and can put two and two together. TJ grabs the coffee and bagels before he sets up fort in Steve’s living room, going through all of the movies that Natasha had brought over.

“I’ve got therapy at three, so I’m going to leave here a little bit before. If that’s fine with you,” TJ murmurs as he pulls a blanket up to his chest. Steve moves to sit right next to him and he wraps an arm around TJ who puts his head on Steve’s shoulder because god forbid TJ tries to play it cool with anyone he actually likes. They’re soulmates. This is totally fine and TJ doesn’t want to go back to his apartment just yet. 

“Stay as long as you want,” Steve says, running a hand through TJ’s hair as they start on the Terminator series. They actually watch the first two, but they end up making out on the couch through the entirety of the third. TJ promises Steve that he didn’t actually miss anything.

When TJ leaves, he kisses Steve goodbye before he steps out of the apartment. He curses when he sees Kate exiting the elevator, but he just smiles and brushes past her. TJ tells himself that she wasn’t blatantly staring at him because, after all, it’s not like she knew it was Steve’s apartment he was coming from.

TJ goes straight to Meredith’s office and sits down in his usual chair. His therapist is shaking her head, but is unable to hide the smile on her face.

“What’s going on?” TJ asks and Meredith taps the side of her neck.

“You should consider covering that up, TJ.”

TJ uses the front-facing camera on his phone to check his neck and he curses. Steve fucking Rogers left a hickey on his neck. He’s going to murder him.

The next day, TJ hides the hickey on his neck with a collared shirt and goes to his NA meeting in the afternoon. He once again says all of the right things, but when he says he’s been sober for nearly four months, well, he finds himself feeling proud. He’s only a few months away from that new keychain.

It hasn't been easy. He struggles every single day, but he’s at least making it happen. Maybe he’ll beat six months. 

He steps out of the church where his NA meeting is held and stops on the stairs when he sees Natasha Romanoff standing underneath a street lamp. She looks directly at him and crooks a finger, beckoning him to come over. Part of TJ wants to run far, far away, but he thinks Natasha could probably snap his neck by the time he got three steps away.

Instead of running, he squares his shoulders and walks over to her side. He’s faced worse than her. He’s faced his mother’s disappointed look while high out of his mind. He can handle this. 

Natasha’s on her phone and at first he thinks she’s texting, but then he notes that she’s playing Candy Crush. TJ opens his mouth to say something and Natasha holds up her free hand, not addressing him for a minute while she beats the level.

After the level is complete, she looks up at him and tucks her phone into her pocket. “I’m in the mood for Chinese. Know any good places around here?”

“Uh, yeah. There’s one a few blocks away.” TJ says and Natasha gives him a toothy smile, linking their arms together as she drags him in the direction of the restaurant. TJ suddenly feels like he’s being abducted and he’s not going to be able to get out of this.

Natasha pushes the door to the restaurant open and it’s then that TJ realizes he actually didn’t give her any directions to the restaurant. He’s definitely being set up.

She pulls him over to an already set table and when the waitress comes over, Natasha rattles off her order in perfect Chinese and TJ just manages to ask for dumplings before Natasha kicks his leg underneath the table to get his attention.

“I think it’s finally time that we talk and get to know each other.” Her eyes are zeroed in on TJ’s own and he can’t bring himself to look away. He feels like a bug underneath a microscope and he knows that’s exactly how he should feel.

“Is this a shovel talk?” He finally manages to ask and Natasha’s smile becomes the slightest bit before vicious. Well, that answers that question.

“I can think of sixteen ways to kill you without moving from this spot. I will hide your body and it won’t be found for three decades. I want you to remember that if you ever think of doing something to invalidate this friendship you have with Steve. Or whatever it is.” Her eyes flicker from TJ’s eyes to where his hickey is underneath his shirt collar. He reaches a hand up to cover the spot and Natasha’s smile widens and he knows that he definitely just gave away the entire game.

“Okay. And?” He asks, still rubbing the spot hidden by his shirt. “I’m not planning on hurting him.”

“I want that in writing.”  

The door to the restaurant opens and suddenly Clint Barton is sliding into the chair next to Natasha. “Sorry I’m late. Did I miss the threatening?”

TJ now has two trained assassins staring at him and he wonders if he’s about to get murdered.

Natasha rolls her eyes and nods towards TJ. “I just did that and you ruined it.”

“Or maybe I missed it on purpose? I heard you watch Dog Cops. No one I know watches Dog Cops. We should watch Dog Cops soon.” Clint said, folding his arms on the table and reaching over to grab Natasha’s water. He takes a sip from it and TJ laughs at Natasha’s expression. He knows she will definitely murder him if he hurts Steve, but right now it looks like she wants to kill Barton more.

“You guys really care about Steve.” TJ starts, glancing between the two of them. Natasha gives him a minute nod and Clint nods his head vigorously.

“He’s our fearless leader.” Clint says and Natasha nods again.

“We saw him when he first was defrosted. We just want what’s best for him.”

“I think Nat here is just upset that you managed to bump into him when she’s been trying to set him up for months.”

“I am  _ not _ ,” Natasha hisses and TJ pales slightly. Yeah, that hiss is the sound nightmares are made of.

“We’re not…” He trails off when they both level him with looks that suggest they know exactly what is going on. “We’re soulmates.”

Natasha’s face is a cool mask and TJ wonders if Steve actually told her about them being soulmates. TJ’s stomach drops because of course Steve didn’t say anything. He’s closeted and...

“He told me the day after you hit him with his car, but we’re spies, TJ. We know exactly what is going on and we tentatively approve.”

TJ is sure he’s staring at the two of them with his mouth gaping open like a fish. Thank god no one from the communications team is around to see him right now, because this is a major PR no-no.

Clint nods. “He was actually…chipper at SHIELD today. That’s when we figured he got laid and decided it was time to ambush you.”

“I’m not telling you anything.” TJ says, pressing his palms against his eyes as he tries to regain his composure. Finally he drops his hands.

“You don’t have to.” Natasha responds, tapping her nails against the table. “But we’re here to say we tolerate you and that we support Steve’s happiness.”

“But if you hurt him…” Clint points a fingergun at TJ and Natasha rolls her eyes, batting it away. 

TJ can’t help but laugh at that. “You’re acting like his concerned parents.”

Natasha and Clint exchange a glance and then nod in agreement. Natasha looks back at TJ. “Pretty much. We’re very concerned about him.”

“Nat’s the one that got Steve down to DC because she thought he was lonely in New York.” Clint says, sitting up straight when the food arrives. He happily dives into the chicken in garlic sauce that Natasha must have ordered for him.

“What?” TJ asks and Natasha gives him a solid nod, reaching over to pluck one of his dumplings away from his plate. TJ opens his mouth to protest and she silences any thoughts he had with a glare. He guesses this is part of the sacrifice he had to make to stay in her good graces, but TJ would sacrifice all the dumplings in the world for Natasha Romanoff to tolerate his presence.

“When he first woke up he wore these high-waisted khakis with plaid shirts. It was terrible. I use the image of him wearing those pants whenever I need to pass a polygraph.” Natasha begins to pick at her own food and TJ leans forward slightly, interested in why Natasha is deflecting the subject that Clint brought up. It’s interesting to see her in a relaxed setting where she isn’t about to run off on missions, but he knows that she’s always on guard.

He wonders if Clint and her are soulmates. TJ’s never really wondered if people were soulmates and Natasha doesn’t seem like the type to believe in that stuff, but maybe it would explain what Natasha was so concerned about Steve’s happiness. 

“He looked like a grandfather. I blame whatever SHIELD agent was hired to shop for him,” Natasha muses, tilted her head when she notices TJ looking at her wrist.

“Now he wears athleisure,” TJ points out, waving his fork for emphasis as Natasha visibly shudders.

“I’m going to fix that. I’m going to fix him.” She looks at Clint. “Go into his apartment and burn everything he owns.”

Clint salutes her and TJ glances between the two of them. They have to be soulmates. At least the platonic kind. “Steve would protest that. He’d feel like a burden. We all should just take him to buy a couple things at a time and he’ll have a closet full before he knows it.”

The two turn their heads and Clint smiles. He looks back at Natasha. “I like him. We’re keeping him.”

“Agreed.” Natasha steals food off of Clint’s plate as he rolls his eyes at her pun and he drinks from her water again in retaliation. “Will you be going to see him after we leave you be?”

TJ shrugs. “Maybe. I was thinking of inviting him over to mine, but I’ve seen him a lot in the past few days.”

“That’s cute. Also gross.” Clint responds and Natasha nods in agreement. TJ isn’t exactly sure what’s going on between the two master assassins in front of him, but they’re in sync enough that he knows not to mess with them.

“Anyway, TJ, tell us about yourself. Not the serious stuff, but your favorite color and what you think will happen in Dog Cops next season.” Clint says and Natasha picks up her fork, poking Clint’s hand with it. 

“Next time you mention Dog Cops is when I stab you.”

TJ laughs and cuts into his dumpling. “My favorite color is blue and I think the golden retriever will redeem herself next season.”

Natasha rolls her eyes and Clint chatters on about the show as TJ smiles. He’s surprised to see that Natasha manages to keep it together and by the end of the evening TJ realizes just how easy it is to make her laugh. For a master assassin, she’s pretty good company and she promises that she’ll find him soon. She says he needs to learn how to fight. The rest of dinner passes by relatively quickly and soon TJ finds himself bidding the two goodnight.

> _ TO STEVE ROGERS: Natasha and Clint ambushed me. I’m fine. They fed me Chinese food. _
> 
> _ FROM STEVE ROGERS: Should I be worried about this ambush? _

TJ pauses on the sidewalk and stares at his phone, thinking for a second before he types out a reply.

> _ TO STEVE ROGERS: Not even a little bit. You coming over? _
> 
> _ FROM STEVE ROGERS: I’ll be there in twenty. _

Steve shows up at his apartment ten minutes after TJ gets to it and he opens the door, kissing Steve quickly before he lets him into his apartment. He wonders if his doorman is going to say anything about Captain America showing up in the lobby, but he doubts it.

“I’ve got some leftover dumplings if you want them,” TJ says, lying down on the couch as he glances over at Steve. “Did you know I had never had Chinese food until I moved to Raleigh?”

Steve drops down to sit on the floor right by TJ’s head lying on the cushion. 

“Long day?” TJ asks.

“Yeah, had a training session that left me a bit wiped. I’ll be fine in a few.”

“What kind of training session leaves you wiped?” TJ asks as he drops a hand down and runs it through Steve’s hair, waiting a second before he puts on the television. He forgoes the news for an episode of Jeopardy! and Steve hums as they sit next to each other with their attention on the television.

“Twenty SHIELD agents all coming at me at once. I don’t know why they make me do it, but…” Steve shrugs and TJ brushes a spot behind Steve’s ear. “Tell me about dinner with Clint and Nat?”

“Natasha ambushed me. Wait, are they soulmates?” TJ suddenly asks and Steve chews on his lip. 

“Yeah, they are. She told me that after I told her that you were mine,” Steve responds and TJ flushes when he remembers that Steve has told other people that they’re soulmates. People know.

Steve turns his head to look at TJ. “Why wouldn’t I tell my friends that you’re my soulmate?”

And then TJ is crying because god damn it. Boys like him don’t get happy endings.

Steve moves to join TJ on the couch and pulls him into his arms, gently stroking his hair. TJ likes to pretend he doesn’t think about Sean anymore. That he’s moved on and is living his best life, while Sean’s life is secretly miserable. But TJ knows that’s a lie. 

Sean is living his life doing the same old thing and TJ is here crying into Steve’s chest because he can’t believe that someone would want to tell another person that they are soulmates with him. It’s life and he has to process it. Life is full of processing things.

TJ wishes he could articulate just how much it means to him, but he’s not ready to talk about Sean. Just like Steve isn’t ready to talk about his own demons.

After crying into Steve’s shirt, TJ tilts his head up and presses his lips to Steve’s own, because he at least can do this. Steve lets out a small sigh before pulls always to rest his head against TJ’s forehead.

It’s so endearing that TJ pulls him back into a heated kiss and Steve’s hands snake up underneath TJ’s shirt.

“We can do this, but we’re not going to do this on my couch because I’m going to roll off of it.” He says as he pushes Steve off of him. He fixes him with a look before he stands up, nodding down the hallway to his bedroom. “C’mon.”

Once they get into the bedroom, TJ pushes Steve onto the bed and his hands snake underneath Steve’s shirt. Steve lets his hands drop down to the hem, helping TJ pull it off and over his head. Steve tosses his shirt somewhere to the side of the bed while TJ’s hands immediately go to run up Steve’s chest. His thumb brushes Steve’s nipple and Steve lets out a gasp, making TJ repeat the motion before he pinches it. 

TJ’s eyes are zeroed in on Steve’s face, with his head tilted back against the pillow and his mouth open. His eyes are closed and his breath is shallow. TJ’s sure that if Steve opened his eyes he’d see the pupils completely dilated again.

Leaning forward, TJ brushes his lips against Steve’s collarbone, kissing up to his neck and then back down the middle of his chest. On his way back down, TJ nips at his collarbone and the moan that Steve releases goes straight to his groin.

“Still doing okay, Stevie?” TJ asks and Steve nods, propping himself up on an elbow so he can bring their lips together again. As they kiss, TJ runs his hand down Steve’s chest and begins to tug at the button of his jeans. He undoes the button and pulls down the zipper, but he runs his hand over the skin just above Steve’s waistband. It’s teasing and he can feel the flutter of Steve’s muscles underneath his fingertips. Steve’s lips are parted against his mouth and TJ gently rolls Steve’s bottom lip between his teeth before he moves his hand inside Steve’s jeans. 

The full-body shake that Steve makes causes his head to tilt back and TJ releases Steve’s lips. Pushing Steve back down on the bed, TJ moves his hand over the bulge in Steve’s underwear.

He can feel the dampness in the front of Steve’s boxers and removes his hand, pushing himself up so he can remove Steve’s jeans. Steve moves to help him push down his boxers but TJ bats his hand away. “Not yet.”

Steve drops his hand and TJ removes Steve’s jeans, throwing them somewhere behind him. TJ places a kiss to his collarbone and spreads Steve’s legs before he moves his way back down Steve’s body. He settles between Steve’s legs and tries to ignore the fact he is painfully hard at this point. 

TJ plants kisses down the middle of Steve’s chest before he moves to Steve’s hip bones, biting and licking at the skin there. He glances up at Steve, who has his head thrown back, and grins when he realizes that Steve’s moaning because of him.

Moving his hand back to Steve’s clothed dick, TJ runs his hand up and down the length before he moves his head to mouth at Steve’s clothed dick. The groan Steve makes is enough to drive TJ insane and he finally decides to take pity on Steve and he takes Steve back in his mouth. TJ suddenly wonders if they should have had a talk about condoms, but the thought is wiped from his mind when Steve thrusts up into TJ’s mouth. Steve’s hips immediately still.

_ Oh,  _ TJ thinks. He really wants Steve to do that.

Pulling off of Steve with an obscene pop, TJ looks up at Steve who is staring down at him with lust-filled eyes. “You want to fuck my mouth? Because I really need you to fuck my mouth.”

“Wha-? Oh–  _ yes _ ,” Steve says as TJ slaps Steve’s thigh. Steve gets the memo and moves into kneeling position and TJ scrambles to crouch on his hands and knees in front of him. 

“I’m really, really good at this, but I’ll tap your thigh three times if I need you to stop.” TJ internally winces when he realizes he just admitted that he’s good at giving blow jobs, but he gets his mouth on Steve’s dick and gives it a hard suck in hopes of distracting Steve.

It works. Steve’s hips immediately cant forward and suddenly Steve is thrusting into his mouth. Steve’s cock is hitting the back of TJ’s throat with every thrust and there’s a hand in his hair and TJ is painfully hard, but all he can do is relax his throat and let Steve fuck it until he comes down TJ’s throat with another shout.

TJ wipes the spit from his mouth and he glances up at Steve, who has just gotten his breathing under control and is already getting hard again. TJ sends off a silent prayer to the guy who designed the serum and reaches back in his drawer for a bottle of lube.

He tosses it and another condom on the bed and Steve has moved so he’s leaning against the bed frame. He reaches for the bottle, ripping off the plastic sealant. 

“You’re gonna have to show me what works for you,” Steve murmurs.

TJ grins at that and strips himself of the rest of clothes, noting the way that Steve’s eyes flicker from the bottle to up and down his body. “Yeah. I was counting on that.”

He kicks his clothes off to the side before he climbs back on the bed and rolls the new condom onto Steve’s dick. He straddles Steve’s legs and presses himself up against Steve’s chest, lips right next to Steve’s ear. He takes the bottle from Steve’s hands and takes his right hand, liberally coating Steve’s fingers with the lube. He guides Steve’s fingers towards his entrance.

“I like being teased,” he murmurs, lips still against Steve’s ear. “Rub your fingers against me, press in but don’t stick your fingers in just yet.”

He notes that Steve is breathing heavily, but he doesn’t dwell on that long because suddenly he has Steve’s fingers rubbing up against his opening and massaging him. TJ doesn’t want to think about how needy the moan he releases is, but Steve takes it as moving his fingers in a circle and pressing against his opening with a fingertip. TJ feels himself shake and he takes his hand away from Steve’s wrist, choosing instead to wrap it around Steve’s shoulders.

“Put your finger in,” TJ gets out a few minutes later. Steve obliges almost immediately and TJ lets out another moan. It’s been months and Steve’s so attentive. TJ has his eyes closed, but he knows that if he were to open them he would see Steve staring at him.

Steve moves his finger in and out before TJ asks for him to insert another, groaning when he feels Steve slide two fingers in at once. He slides them in and out and TJ clings to Steve’s shoulder tighter, nails digging into his back.

“Spread ‘em out. Like scissors.” He groans when Steve does just that and shifts his hips down a bit, experimentally meeting Steve’s fingers with his hips. It sends sparks through his body and he repeats the motion. 

When he feels adjusted, TJ taps his fingers against Steve’s back. “Another. And faster.”

Steve obeys and slides three fingers in and out of TJ, who keeps his face buried against Steve’s neck. Steve keeps his fingers at a steady pace and it doesn’t take long for TJ to know that he’s as good as he’s going to get. He’ll save that fourth finger for another time and he lets go of Steve’s shoulder to tap his arm. “I’m good.”

“You sure?” Steve asks again and TJ petulantly rolls his eyes.

“I’m pretty good, Steve. I wouldn’t ask you to fuck me if I wasn’t good. Besides, your fingers are fucking huge. I’m pretty great.”

Steve laughs at that and TJ whacks his shoulder before he buries his face back in Steve’s neck to hide his own smile. When’s the last time he laughed during sex? TJ knows, but it’s been awhile.

Steve removes his fingers from TJ and rolls them over so TJ is underneath him. He takes himself in hand, positioning his dick right at TJ’s entrance. He hesitates for a second before he slides just the tip in, letting TJ adjust before he slides the rest of the way in.

TJ grabs Steve’s back when he slides the entire way in and squeezes his shoulder.

“You okay?” Steve asks and TJ nods.

“Give me a second. Don’t move.”

Eventually, he nods and Steve starts to move slowly, rolling his hips up as TJ brings his hips up to meet Steve’s thrusts.  It’s slow and Steve’s lips are reverent against TJ’s. It’s not sex. It’s worship and it fills TJ up with more emotion than he knows what to deal with. So instead he clenches around Steve, which makes the other man groan.

“Faster. I’m not gonna break,” he murmurs as he squeezes Steve’s shoulder. It doesn’t take long before Steve gets the memo and complies. Steve barely grazes against his prostate and TJ knows he needs to get off, so he reaches down between them and begins to jerk himself off with Steve’s thrusts.

It takes a few tries to match Steve’s pace, but, once he does, it only takes him a few strokes before he comes.

His vision blacks out and TJ feels like he’s falling apart for as long as it lasts. His muscles tighten before they release and he can feel himself shaking. His legs have all but given out and he’s lying on the bed blissed out yet again.

Steve comes a few thrusts after TJ has regained his sight and TJ kisses him through the entire thing, fingers combing through Steve’s hair as he gasps and trembles lightly. Steve pulls out and takes off the condom while TJ rolls out from under Steve to lie down on the bed and stare up at the ceiling. A minute later, TJ pushes himself off of the bed and goes to his bathroom to grab them a wet towel. He mentally adds ‘sex with Steve’ to the list of things he really enjoys about being sober.

Coming back into the room, he cleans the two of them up before he tosses the towel onto the wood floor. He’ll deal with it tomorrow. Steve is lying on his back and beckons TJ to come back  to bed. TJ obliges and curls up against Steve’s side, resting his head against his bare chest.

He thinks of something and lifts his head off of Steve’s chest, giving him a faint smile. “You gonna go out on a run tomorrow? Or can I convince you to sleep in?”

Steve cups his chin and brings their lips together, kissing him sweetly before he pulls away. “No run, but I might have to go out to get things to make breakfast with.”

“I have pancake mix. You make it with water,” TJ mumbles, letting his head drop back down on Steve’s chest. “Don’t you dare move.”

“I won’t. Promise.”

When TJ wakes up, Steve is curled up behind him and TJ lets out a deep breath. The other man is still there and it’s a relief. Because no matter what progress he makes, TJ is still always afraid that he’s going to be left alone. That no one will actually end up loving him.

Behind him, Steve props himself up enough to press a kiss to the side of TJ’s neck. TJ turns his face towards Steve before he nudges him with his elbow.

“You’re a human radiator,” TJ gripes and Steve laughs before he kisses TJ’s neck again.

“Ain’t nothing wrong with that,” Steve drawls and TJ can finally hear that backstreet Brooklyn. TJ hums before he rolls back over.

“I’m gonna sleep more. You can make pancakes later.” TJ says and Steve nods as he settles back down behind him.

“Whatever you want. Honestly, whatever you want.” Steve’s voice is quiet, but TJ is already drifting off. He still manages to think, though, that this might be the start of something that doesn’t completely suck.


	2. (you could give an asprin) the headache of its life

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TJ knows that this is just the honeymoon stage and everything can fall apart at any second.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains discussion of drugs, sobriety, and suicide attempts.

The sun is shining through the window –– Fuck. There’s no way he’s going to sleep anymore now.

TJ reaches a hand out across the mattress and presses his hand against the barely warm spot that Steve probably vacated some time about thirty minutes ago. If TJ’s half-asleep calculation is correct - which it is pretty much all of the time - Steve is probably finishing up his run and is headed to get some bagels at the bagel place near his apartment.

Part of TJ wishes that he could hate himself for knowing Steve’s schedule so well, but the truth is he likes that Steve is so predictable about his morning routine. It has helped reduce the anxiety that immediately springs in the first few minutes of TJ waking up. Which is especially important for TJ, as they’ve been seeing each other for about three months now, which isn’t really that long, but it’s long enough that TJ has adapted to Steve’s routine. 

Every morning Steve wakes up before the sun and goes for a run around the National Mall before he grabs breakfast and coffee at the bagel place, which he brings back to his apartment to share with TJ, who has been crashing at Steve’s place on a more frequent basis. How could he resist, though? Steve brings TJ coffee, bagels, and a good morning kiss.

Steve hasn’t been hiding their relationship from any of the people closest to him and sometimes TJ finds his apartment with either Barton or Romanoff occupying the couch. He talks about Dog Cops with Clint and even has been learning sign language. He can’t sign that much, but he’s starting to get the hang of it, which makes TJ proud. He’s actually learning something useful.

It’s overwhelming with how great everything seems to be going and TJ is waiting for the other shoe to drop. Every time someone glances at him on the street, TJ feels like he’s on edge. 

The past few months could almost be described as blissful. He’s dating his  _ soulmate,  _ who holds his hand whenever he gets the chance and who makes TJ feel like he’s something special. Like he’s not the fucked up son of a politician.

The last few months could also be described as anxiety-inducing. Sometimes Steve disappears for days because of missions and TJ waits anxiously for his phone to beep with some sort of message because something could go wrong. If something did go wrong, the words on TJ’s wrist would fade away to nothing. Because that’s what happens when your soulmate dies.

TJ’s only just gotten his and, yeah, soulmates are still shit, but Steve certainly isn’t. So when Steve is on mission, TJ ends up checking his wrist far too often for someone who is pretending like he hasn’t met his soulmate.

So this means life continues for TJ with therapy sessions twice a week, his psychiatrist once a week, and his NA meetings. Eventually, he introduces Steve and Miguel, which is probably the scariest second of his life, but once it comes out that Miguel was in the Army, Steve and him trade stories like they were old friends. Even though they fought in different wars, there’s a bond between men who slept on rocks and watched too many good men not get the chance got come home. When Miguel leaves, he pats TJ on the shoulder and TJ feels a huge weight lift off of his chest. 

Except a little bit later he gets a text from Miguel asking if Steve was going to therapy for his PTSD. Which only makes TJ feel like the shittiest person in existence because he didn’t even consider that Steve could have PTSD from his time in the military. TJ ends up texting Miguel that he actually has no idea and he’ll ask Steve, which he does the next day. TJ is expecting Steve to freeze up and shut him out, but instead Steve puts on a fake smile and says he’s doing okay. It isn’t the fakest smile in existence, but TJ was raised in the limelight, so he knows what a fake smile looks like. Still, Steve tells TJ that he’s required to talk to a SHIELD therapist once a week and immediately after a mission.

But TJ knows Steve doesn’t trust those therapists as far as he can throw them, so TJ doesn’t know if it’s really helping him. He doubts it is.

It doesn’t help that TJ still has bad days himself and he knows his mental state and sobriety is just one  _ really _ bad day away from snapping. There are some days where he doesn’t pick up his phone except to text Miguel that he’s having a bad day. Those days, he  stays in bed the entire time, not even getting out to make himself a bowl of cereal. 

Those days are the days that worry Steve the most, so he tries to stay with TJ as much as he can without impacting his own days and routine. It’s sweet, but at the same time TJ’s been warned that he can’t let his relationship get “codependent” because it’s not healthy and TJ knows a lot about unhealthy relationships. He can’t put his own progress on Steve, but it would be so damn easy to do that.

Except TJ has been there and he can’t do it again. His heart still aches from the last time, no matter what he tells himself.

On the days when TJ can’t pull himself out of bed and Steve isn’t around, Clint comes over and flops down on his couch, watching movies, cooking food, and playing TJ’s guitar poorly until TJ manages to drag himself out of his bedroom and into the living room to beat him with whatever throw pillow is closest. It’s a weird friendship, but one that TJ appreciates more than he can verbalize. Clint is always in town or in New York, since he’s been on desk duty since being brainwashed, so ends up he bringing over Chinese food whenever Steve and Natasha are on mission and they watch shitty television in silence.

They spend a lot of time talking, since TJ isn’t exactly the best at adapting to having a boyfriend who is part of the Avengers. Sure, TJ is petrified of what would happen if they were photographed together, but he’s also scared of Steve going on missions equally.

Steve is reckless both on missions and unknowingly with TJ’s own heart, or at least TJ sees it that way. Steve isn’t ready to publicly come out and TJ isn’t ready to share the relationship with the world, but Steve still takes it upon himself to take TJ’s hand even he gets the chance and once they kissed on a street corner. TJ nearly had a heart attack, so Steve hasn’t done that again. Part of TJ wonders if Steve is trying to prove to TJ that he really is in it for the right reason, but TJ isn’t sure.

Despite TJ’s fears, Steve’s taken a few lessons from Natasha on how to go incognito and they look just like every other couple. No one pays them any mind when they grab coffee and they visits the ducks every Sunday until it starts to get too cold. Despite being incognito, TJ religiously checks Twitter for any mention of them immediately after they get to a safe place. He finds nothing that would suggest anyone saw them, but he still feels the need to look around for a phone pointed in their direction every time someone even so much as breathes in Steve’s direction.

He doesn’t tell his family about the change in his relationships status and none of them ask. None of them approve of his relationships, especially with high-profile, closeted blondes. More than likely, they’d have another intervention and TJ would spend the next three months being on the receiving end of everyone’s pitiful stares. Part of him thinks that his family would never be able to accept any good thing that would happen to him. They’re so used to him continually fucking up that they expect every part of his life to burst into flames at one point or another.

It doesn’t mean that TJ doesn’t want to pull Doug aside and ask him what he did when he realized Anne was his soulmate. Because in all of the movies, meeting your soulmate is shown as the world stopping and falling into perfect place. Nothing in TJ’s life has since falling into place, but being with Steve is nice. Steve complements him in a way TJ didn’t know was possible, but it’s not earth shattering. TJ’s content with his relationship, but he gets why platonic soulmates are a thing, or why some people with a common soulmark decide they’re going to make their own destiny and just find someone they get along with. TJ gets it. He really does and soulmates are shit, but TJ can’t help but wonder if there is something wrong with him. If he’s broken himself beyond repair to the point that he can’t even make the deep connection with Steve that he’s supposed to be doing. 

Before he can get too lost in thoughts, TJ hears the front door to Steve’s apartment open and he lies back down. There’s really no reason for him to move when he knows Steve is going to walk in to wake TJ up with a kiss and the promise of coffee in the kitchen. 

“You up?” Steve asks, poking his head in the room. TJ only grumbles in response and Steve comes over to bend down and press a kiss to TJ’s forehead.

“I have coffee in the kitchen,” Steve says and TJ groans, turning his head to press his lips to Steve’s own before he pulls the blankets over his head.

“You woke me up,” TJ says, with the faintest whine catching at the end of his sentence. He knows Steve is grinning. He swears he can hear it. These mornings are routine for them by now.

Everyone thinks that Steve is such a goody two-shoes, but TJ knows the truth. Especially when Steve practically drops himself on top of TJ and presses against him, his hands sneaking down underneath the duvet and pulling it away from TJ, who is laughing as he tries to bat Steve away.

“No, I didn’t,” Steve teases, lips brushing against TJ’s neck as TJ lets out something that he would definitely not call a squeak. 

“Yes, you did!” TJ gets out before Steve captures his lips in a kiss. TJ tries to say something, but chooses to let the words die and let a moan escape instead. TJ reaches a hand up in an attempt to grab Steve’s hair and deepen the kiss, but Steve pulls away just in time and waltz out the bedroom door and into the kitchen.

“Coffee’s getting cold,” Steve calls and TJ can only stare after him for as long as it takes for Steve’s words to compute in his head.

“Asshole!” He calls after Steve, but he can feel the smile on his face. It’s nice to be smiling again. He didn’t realize that he hadn’t been doing that much until recently.

TJ hops out of bed and pulls on a pair of sweatpants, haphazardly dodging his clothes from the previous night as he shuffles out into the kitchen. He takes his coffee from Steve before he kisses him again and then takes a few long swallows. Hazelnut coffee with one milk, one sugar. The bagel place can’t do fancy lattes, but occasionally they do put together a cold brew and honestly TJ has considered marrying it. He momentarily considers reducing his caffeine load before he brushes it off. He’s quit all of his fun vices. He’ll keep the coffee.

Steve passes over a bacon egg and cheese bagel and TJ gives him a soft smile. He’s still half asleep, but Steve is back from his run and he’s brought him bagels.

“Have any plans for today?” Steve asks and TJ gives him a look, since he already has half the bagel in his mouth. Steve rolls his eyes fondly and takes a bite of his own, waiting expectantly for TJ to finish eating long enough to tell him what’s on his plate. 

Unlike his family, Steve isn’t asking because he wants to know TJ’s whereabouts. He’s asking because he actually cares about what TJ is doing with his day. Sometimes TJ has trouble wrapping his mind around it.

“I have lunch with Doug and a suit fitting for that veterans charity thing that’s coming up and...I think that’s it. Natasha and Clint are back from Europe, so maybe they’ll want to do something. Clint caught up on Dog Cops, so he’s fine with socializing with people,” TJ says with a shrug as he tries to think whether or not he missed anything. He doesn’t have therapy or any type of drug-related counseling since that’s tomorrow after coffee with Miguel. 

_ God, I could really go for a line right now, _ TJ suddenly thinks. It takes him by surprise with how casually he thinks it.

One of the things they don’t tell you about getting sober is that there are some moments where you randomly have cravings so strong that it takes you by surprise. This isn’t one of those cravings, but it shocks TJ with how casually he thinks that a line would be great at this moment. He’s always going to be craving drugs. Addiction is a disease, he tells himself. It doesn’t go away. 

TJ lifts his coffee to his lips and takes another sip, pressing down the craving as he goes back to thinking about what his schedule could possibly look like for the day. 

“Yeah, that’s it. Lunch, new suit fitting, and...I don’t know. Wanna do dinner with Clint and Nat?” TJ asks and Steve gives him an amused look.

“Nat, huh?” He asks. TJ feels his face flush, even though he knows Steve is just kidding. Years of being judged by public relations specialists doesn’t fade away easily, but he’s trying to work through it.

“We hang out,” he protests and Steve steps forward to close the distance between them so he can place a kiss to TJ’s lips. It’s a good way of getting TJ to shut up when he’s trying to defend himself.

“Do we want to go some place? Or do we want to stay in for dinner?” Steve asks after he pulls away from TJ. 

“I don’t know. We’ll have to ask Natasha how she’s feeling, but you’ve got that pizza dough in the fridge. We could make mini pizzas? Watch a movie?” TJ suggests.

It’s barely 8 in the morning and TJ hates that Steve has slowly started to turn him into a morning person. They pretty much have the entire day ahead of them.

“Not pizzas, those pizzas are ours and Clint will eat all of them. Steak is easy enough and you’ve been talking about using the balcony to grill,” Steve points out.

“You have a balcony, Steve. Use it.” TJ pauses when he realizes just how domestic their conversation really is. TJ’s not completely used to having conversations with men that don’t wind up with him either going home with someone or with him being insulted. This doesn’t feel normal, but that’s fine.

They talk a lot, but there’s also long periods of downtime where they don’t say anything to each other, but instead simply sit and enjoy each other's company while they do their own things.

At first, TJ felt like maybe he was doing something wrong if they weren’t talking all of the time, but he’s since grown to love the hours of calm that they both enjoy.

“Okay, steaks and grilled vegetables it is. Should I just make kabobs?”

TJ nods and pauses to take a sip of coffee before he speaks. “Steak.”

“Great, that’s settled.” Steve says, flipping through the paper that he has on the counter. TJ likes that Steve is slowly making his apartment seem more like a home.

TJ takes another bite of his bagel before he goes over to the couch to turn on the news. As much as he hates watching CNN, it’s his go-to. Probably because he was raised on it and Bloomberg.

Everyone thinks he kissed Anderson Cooper once. He didn’t. Really.

Steve comes over to the couch and lies down next to him, resting his head on the arm of the couch while he drapes his legs over TJ’s lap. He has his sketchpad in his hand and TJ knows that the two of them will sit in comfortable silence for god knows how long sketching and watching the news. 

Sometimes TJ wonders if normal couples actually do this, or if TJ just has a weird brand of soulmate. Sometimes, TJ even wonders if he has any examples of a healthy relationship in his life.

He realizes that he doesn’t.

TJ puts a hand on Steve’s knee and watches CNN, scoffing whenever a stupid political news story comes up. TJ is never going to be involved in politics in the same way that Doug is, but he doesn’t think he can ever really cut it out for his life. At the same time, he knows that it isn’t in his very, very undecided future.

“What do you think i should do with my life?” He asks Steve a little while later. Steve looks up from his sketch and raises a brow.

“What do you mean?”

TJ gestures down at himself. “This, you know? What am I supposed to do with my life once I get semi-stable.”

Placing his sketchbook down on his lap, Steve fixes TJ with a look. “Well, you are semi-stable.”

TJ scoffs as Steve continues. “And I don’t think you need to decide just yet. You need to get to very stable before you start considering what you’re going to be doing with the rest of your life.”

“It’s not like I’m trophy wife turned soccer mom material.” TJ jokes,  as Steve shrugs a single shoulder.

“I always imagined a baseball team,” Steve muses, clearly not thinking about his exact response.

TJ normally finds Steve speaking without thinking endearing, but this is something much, much different. TJ’s eyes widen and he sort of gapes at Steve, who is still drawing nonchalantly. 

“Yeah?” TJ asks and Steve makes an affirmative noise as he uses his ring finger to blur a line he just drew. TJ’s favorite thing is when the lead gets on his face and TJ has to brush it off, but that really isn't the point right now. The point is Steve just mentioned  _ children _ and it reminds TJ that he really has absolutely no idea about what Steve wants. It was a throwaway comment from Steve and it has TJ in a tizzy because he has no idea about what Steve wants. Which doesn’t seem normal for anyone that supposedly has just met the love of their life.

TJ wonders just how many other things he doesn’t know about Steve and he silently panics with his eyes fixed on CNN.

It’s way too soon for them to talk about anything related to marriage or children, because it’s been all of three months. But isn’t that what they’re expecting from each other at some point? TJ has never ever been at the same level as any of his previous partners, or ever even been anywhere close to considering the M-word. 

How out of sync is he with Steve?

When is Steve going to realize that TJ is broken and jump ship?

TJ swallows and forces himself to flip the channel. He stares at C-SPAN blankly before he goes to the taped Saturday Night Live episode that Steve has on his DVR. Since SNL is on Steve’s list.

He doesn’t bring up his life again, but he knows that he has to think about it at some point. At the same time, he also feels insanely insecure in this relationship. Isn’t he supposed to be doing something more than just lounging around on his boyfriend’s couch and going to therapy?

Sure, he needs to get better, but he’s been getting better for nearly half a year. Most people would think that is a sign for him to pull his own weight.

He feels so insecure. He doesn’t know what he wants to do. He doesn’t know where his life is going and there’s no real direction in which he’s pointed. Falling into politics would be easy, but it would only lead to relapse. Plus, he’s not sure he wants to work with LGBTQ issues or with music. There has to be something else, right?

He thinks about his dusty piano and wonders when he’s ever going to get the courage to play it again.

He’s not sure if he ever will.

Finally, TJ’s phone alarm beeps and he pushes himself up off the couch to go get ready for his lunch date with Doug.

He shows and shucks on some clothes he’s starting keeping at Steve’s apartment. When he’s ready to go, he heads back into the living room and gives Steve a kiss before he disappears out the door to hail a cab.

It’s domestic and TJ is starting to get used to it.

The car pulls up to the restaurant and TJ heads inside, grinning at the hostess who recognizes him immediately. TJ and Doug have come here before and TJ knows where the private dining room is, but he still lets the hostess guide him there. Doug grins at TJ as he steps into the private room and stands so he can give him a hug.

“Don’t ask me how I am, you seriously saw me two days ago,” TJ points out as he pulls away from the hug and sits down in the chair across from Doug.

TJ tries to pretend like Doug isn’t looking him up and down, examining his eyes for any sign that TJ has fallen off the wagon. Despite his new personal record of being sober, TJ knows that his brother doesn’t trust him at all. But it’s not like TJ has the best track record with any of these things.

Still, TJ does wish that sometimes someone in his family would give him the benefit of the doubt.

The waiter comes out to fill their waters and Doug lets out a little sigh. “So, have you heard from Nana lately?”

TJ gives Doug a look. “No.”

“Is that because you’re still angry at her for what she said? She was out of line, I agree, but she thought she was protecting you in her own weird way. She’s stubborn and you’re stubborn. You two need to talk,” Doug says.

TJ knows it’s true, but he wants to be bitter just a little bit longer. Eventually his Nana will come around. They’ve had fights before and this is just another one. 

“Fine.” TJ says.

Doug rolls his eyes before he tilts his head to the side slightly. His eyes narrow a fraction. “TJ. Why are you so happy lately?”

Suddenly, TJ feels as though something has completely let loose in his psyche.

A small chuckle escapes from TJ. Well, it may actually be a borderline sob, but TJ’s not going to define it.

“Doug...Dougie…” TJ can feel the tears prickling the corners of his eyes. He hates that he’s such an easy crier these days.  Doug opens his mouth and TJ waves him off.

“No, no. I’m not using… God, I think it’s even worse.” He’s glad Doug got a private room for lunch because he’s going to be sobbing in a few minutes.

TJ can’t bring himself to make eye contact with Doug, but he can tell his brother is wound tighter than a rubber band.

“TJ, are you in trouble?” Doug starts and TJ lets out a shaky breath.

“No, fuck, Doug… I met my soulmate and I think I’m broken. The world didn’t stop and nothing feels like it fell into place. I-I think I might ruin his life because he might be my soulmate, but I’m not his? Or I’m not good enough for him or something.”

Doug stares at him for a few seconds before he reaches out to put a hand on top of TJ’s arm.

“No, no, TJ, you’re not broken. God. You can’t listen to the movies.” Doug asks, tightening his grip on TJ that helps TJ feel like he’s slightly grounded. Doug really has been paying attention in those meetings with his therapist. TJ would be impressed if he wasn’t crying in a private room at Founding Farmers. 

“Being soulmates didn’t stop Anne and I from having problems and it didn’t stop me from making mistakes. Look at mom and dad. They’re soulmates, but they’re both messes.” Doug continues to pat TJ’s arm and TJ struggles to get his breathing under control. “You’re not broken, TJ. You’re my asshole older brother, but you’re not broken and whoever this guy is...he’s lucky to have you as a soulmate.”

It makes TJ want to cry a little bit more, but instead he just nods a bit and uses his free hand to wipe his eyes. It’s unfair that he’s still crying.

“I hate you,” TJ gets out and Doug finally stops looking so concerned to smile at the other. 

“I know you do.” Doug says with a last squeeze to TJ’s arm as he sits back in the chair across from him.

TJ wipes at his face again and Doug laughs a tiny bit. “You going to tell me how you met your soulmate? Or, I don’t know, a name?”

“Ha, no. I’m having you background check him and I’m not ready to expose him to you guys yet,” TJ says, trying to shove down his feelings with the false bravado. He doesn’t actually think he could ever introduce Steve to his parents or Doug, or at least not for awhile. “I didn’t realize he was my soulmate.”

His eyes go down to his wrist and he lets out a shuddery breath. “I randomly ran into him. I was having a panic attack and he calmed me down, but I didn’t even realize he was my soulmate until after he had left. We ran into each other later, so it really was fate. Y’know.”

It’s a condensed version of what had happened, but Doug doesn’t need to know that TJ’s soulmate was Steve. Doug had met Steve when Steve had dragged him back to the townhouse. He’s not sure if Doug would be unbearably smug or something else entirely.

TJ ignores how his hand shakes when he picks up the glass of water and he takes a long sip from it. “He knows about my past, but he doesn’t treat me like I’m gonna screw up. He trust me and he treats me well. You’d approve of him.”

“Is he out?” Doug asks suddenly and TJ doesn’t even have to look up to know that Doug is cringing over the way he asked that question. 

“He is to his friends and coworkers, but not the world at large.” TJ says quietly, looking up to meet Doug’s inquisitive look. “Army, you know. They still have issues with that, even after Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell.”

Doug is chewing the inside of his lip and TJ knows that he’s trying to decide if he’s going to be supportive or what it’s going to take for him to be supportive. But TJ knows exactly what his grandmother say and TJ wants to protect Steve from that. Protect  _ himself _ from all of that.

“TJ…” Doug starts before TJ interjects.

“He’s met my therapist. And Miguel. He’s supportive of me and they approve of him.” TJ says and Doug’s brows shoot up to his hairline. TJ wishes he could draw the way Steve does, because honestly it’s a hilarious sight. “It’s serious, Dougie. He’s taking it seriously because he wants to be with me. I just...you know how are family is. You know how  _ you _ would be.”

Doug’s brows lower and TJ can see his gaze visibly soften. Doug is making an effort to accept someone that is TJ’s soulmate, but TJ can also tell that he knows about TJ’s track record and that means he’s also going to be extremely wary of anyone. Even if Doug has a soulmate of his own, he definitely knows and subscribes to TJ’s belief that soulmates are bullshit. Doug would be wary of Steve even if Steve was sitting right across from Doug in his Captain America uniform. 

“When did you meet him?” Doug asks. It’s not open acceptance, but Doug clearly doesn’t think he’s fucking up too much if a medical professional and his sponsor tentatively approve of him.

“We’ve been seeing each other for about three months..” TJ admits and he can see Doug doing calculations in his head. Almost as if he can figure out exactly who TJ is seeing because Doug really knows everything about his life. Well, except for this.

“And you’re happy?” Doug asks.

TJ nods. “Yeah, I really am. I actually, uh, came from his place. His friends are coming over for dinner tonight, so that’s gonna be a lot of fun.”

Doug looks pleasantly surprised to know that TJ is being social with his boyfriend. “I have to ask… There’s no chance he’s going to expose you to anything that’ll knock you off the wagon?”

“He doesn’t even drink,” TJ responds and Doug looks relieved at that. Steve gets no joy out of drinking, since it doesn’t even impact him. That does tend to help out with the keeping TJ sober thing. The only alcohol Steve had in his apartment was a small bottle of cooking wine that TJ knows would be the most disgusting thing known to man and TJ had told Steve it wouldn’t even get him buzzed. Steve still threw it out.

“When am I going to get to meet him?” Doug asks. TJ makes a face and shrugs.

“When you stop being so damn annoying,” he says and Doug lets out a chuckle. 

“Thanks, TJ. Makes me feel good.” Doug is teasing and TJ can’t help but smile at that. One of the waiters comes back into the room and puts their appetizer down on the table before leaving the way he came.

TJ spoons some of the brussel sprouts onto his plate and looks up at Doug. “I want you to meet him. You know, at some point. Except I’m not sure if you’re ready for that. Or that I’m ready for that, because it’ll change things. Three months isn’t a lot and, well, he’s my soulmate. I want him to like me before he has to meet you.”

“I don’t think it’ll change things.” Doug responds, but TJ can only look across the table knowing that the second his family meets Steve is the moment everything changes. Doug doesn’t get that, but TJ does because TJ dating an American icon is something that isn’t exactly forgivable when said American icon will refuse to be a pawn in their games.

Washington is cut throat. TJ wants to spare Steve all of that.

“He really did meet your therapist?” Doug asks and TJ nods. 

“Yeah. Took it seriously too. Asked about he can be supportive. It was so nice it made me kinda angry...” TJ looks up as one of the waiters comes in with their food. Suddenly TJ is craving a popover, but he decides to not order it. Control over cravings is something that he has decided he needs to practice in every area of his life.

“How are you feeling about it? Beyond the, you know…” Doug waves his hand as TJ cuts into his chicken. 

“He really is great, Doug. Really. I…” He looks down at his wrist. “You know my words. We both thought I was going to meet him at a hospital or ODing in a bathroom somewhere or something, but it wasn’t like that and…”

He pauses before he starts talking again. “I don’t believe that he’s real. I don’t believe that a guy like him would ever be interested in dating me. So, I’m kind of in shock. But he’s good to me and I’m not sure how I feel about it. Guys like me don’t get happy endings.”

Doug narrows his eyes at that. “TJ, we both know that is complete and total crap. You deserve a happy ending.”

TJ rolls his eyes. “You’re saying that because you’re my brother, but you know that’s total shit. Think of everything I’ve done in my entire life and say that to my face again.”

“You are the most annoying, idiotic person known to man. But you’re a good person when you’re not pissing me off and you deserve a happy ending. I think your boyfriend or whatever he is will agree that you deserve that.” He points down at TJ’s meal. “Now finish your lunch, because you’re starting to annoy me.”

They both know that TJ doesn’t believe Doug at all, but at least Doug is kind enough to let the subject drop. His therapist had been clear that berating TJ over and over wasn’t the best for TJ, but positive reinforcement through everyday action made more progress. 

“You ready for the baby?” TJ asks suddenly and Doug closes his eyes as if he’s taking a second to pray.

“Honestly? No. I keep going back and forth trying to decide if I’m ready or not, but I’m nervous.”

“How can you be nervous?” TJ raises a brow. “Seriously, you’re you.”

Doug looks down at his salmon and he frowns just a little bit.

“Probably for the same reason you think you’re broken.”

TJ considers that for a moment before he clears his throat. “Uh, not ready to go back to talking about that.”

The corners of Doug’s mouth quirk up. “Can you believe it, though?”

“What? You having a baby? No.”

“Any of it. You meeting your soulmate. Me having a baby. Us sitting here in DC trying to figure out our lives.”

TJ scoffs. “You have your life figured out.”

A sad smile appears on Doug’s face. “No I don’t. You think I planned this?”

“Point. I mean, yeah, we didn’t expect this back when we were playing tag in dad’s study in the mansion.” TJ purses his lips. “Ever wonder what our lives would have been like if Dad wasn’t elected president?”

Doug nods. “Every single day.”

“I was really angry at you. For a long time.” TJ confesses.

Well, he might as well get that out here now. Doug opens his mouth but TJ holds up a hand to silence him.

“Really angry. It didn’t seem fair to me that you got to be the golden child. You were always so damn good at everything. You learned Spanish on your own and you...you read the New Yorker for fun. I hated it. You were such a square and mom loved it.”

TJ lets out a deep breath and forces himself to continue on. “I hated how everything fell in place for you and I was so angry at you for getting everything I wanted. Mom’s approval, a good job, your soulmate… But then you fucked up and I thought I’d be glad about it, but I wasn’t and, well, you know, I’m glad I have you as my brother. And now I don’t want to talk about this any further because honestly I’m really emotional right now and you are too.”

Nodding, Doug reaches out and simply pats TJ’s hand. It reminds him so much of their mom that it makes TJ smile a little bit, even as he tries to imagine what their lives would have been like. Except he doesn’t want to keep chasing those thoughts. Some things just aren’t meant to be dwelt on for too long.

They finish the rest of their meal with mostly pleasant, light chatter after the heaviness of their conversations, but it isn’t until TJ gets to the tailor that his phone starts blowing up with Google alerts for his name.

Someone at the restaurant had taken a photo of him crying and posted it on the internet. 

There’s everyone a quote from a nameless waiter who had witnessed TJ breaking down to his brother. And that’s when TJ’s heart stops.

_ He was crying pretty hard because of his soulmate. He said he had just met him and thought he was broken because everything wasn’t perfect.  _

TJ resists the urge to scroll down to read the comments, but he can imagine that Diane from Missouri was probably going on and on about how she met her soulmate in high school and everything had been perfect for them, so maybe TJ had gotten his soulmate confused. That was probably followed by a few comments calling TJ a fag who was going to hell. TJ hated the trolls the most.

TJ’s privacy had been violated in a lot of different ways. There had been blog entries about having sex with him and photos of him passed out plastered all over the internet. But nothing felt as invasive as reading about his soulmate on  _ In The Know.  _ The article then goes on to discuss TJ’s soulmark and his entire past. The article doesn’t outright state it, but it’s very clearly implied that anyone who is seeing TJ must have something deeply wrong with them.

_ Now the world knows I’m seeing someone, _ TJ thinks.

It’s a devastating thought.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck…” TJ mumbles, scrolling down to see a photo of Doug holding on his arm as TJ hid his face and cried into his hand. He almost wanted to call Steve and let him know, but TJ also knew that Steve would want to do something since Steve didn’t entirely get that sometimes the world was awful and this was another one of those situations.

TJ finishes up at the tailor and arranges for the suit to be dropped off at his apartment before he takes an Uber back to Steve’s place. He nods at Kate as he exits the elevator, knowing that she probably has guessed whose apartment he has been going to recently. She hasn’t said anything to anyone, so TJ feels like he can trust her a bit. Maybe. Probably not. 

He knocks on the door to Steve’s apartment and pauses before he uses his own key to unlock the door. He steps inside as Steve comes out of the kitchen, but once Steve catches the look on TJ’s face he crosses the room and pulls TJ into a hug. 

Steve doesn’t even know what happened, but he at least knows that TJ needs this support right now.

TJ fists his hands into Steve’s shirt and holds on to Steve. He’s crying again, but Steve just  keeps holding onto him until TJ is finally ready to pull away.

“Did something happen with Doug?” Steve asks and TJ pulls his phone out. He opens it to the webpage that shows him crying and hands it over to Steve, knowing that Steve is going to read the bit about TJ feeling broken because everything isn’t perfect.

Steve’s eyes darken when he sees the photo and he clenches his jaw. TJ has never really thought of Steve as anything other than pleasant until that moment. Steve has a dark side to him and TJ can only hope he never is the reason that causes Steve to look like he needs pure, unadulterated vengeance.

“This is a violation of your privacy,” Steve says and TJ laughs wetly, because this isn’t even the worst thing that has happened to him.

“My entire life has been one privacy violation after the other. This just drags you into it. If anyone sees us in public they’ll put two and two together and…” TJ buries his face back into Steve’s chest and lets out yet another choked sob. “It’ll out you.”

“What if it’s time for me to out myself?” Steve asks, reaching up to card his fingers through TJ’s hair. It would normally make TJ relax, but Steve’s words have made him pull away slightly. However, TJ can almost feel the anger melting out of Steve.

Priorities, TJ guesses.

“What?” TJ asks. “What do you mean out yourself?”

Steve shrugs noncommittally, but TJ doesn’t budge his face from Steve’s chest. “I’ve discussed it with Pepper. I’ll release a statement and that’ll be it.”

God, he isn’t sure if Steve is that innocent, or if he’s putting on an act for TJ. “No, that’s not it. Steve, you’re...you’re Captain America. You’ll go through a lot of shit. It’ll be even worse than when I came out and I was the president’s son.”

“You think I can’t handle it?” Steve asks and TJ can hear a bit of a challenge in Steve’s voice.

“You don’t have to come out because of me,” TJ says. “I’m not worth it and you’re not ready.”

A hand reaches out to cup TJ’s chin and suddenly TJ’s head is being tilted up. Steve presses their lips together and it’s almost movie-level perfect. It’s over too soon.

“I want to come out for me, but never, ever doubt that you are worth it,” Steve whispers. 

Tears prickle in the corner of TJ’s eyes and Steve reaches up to wipe them away. 

“You’re an ass, you know. Going to ruin my eyeliner.” TJ’s voice is wet and Steve can only laugh.

“Yeah, I know.” He wipes away another tear of TJ’s. “Pepper and I did talk. About how it will impact you when I come out.”

“Yeah?” TJ asks. Part of him wants to tell Steve that he shouldn’t be bothered with how it’s going to screw with him, but TJ can only just be happy that Steve is so considerate. Maybe Steve deals with the world’s problems to avoid dealing with his own.

Steve nods. “There’s going to be a lot of media, which is what I’m worried about. I know you hate the press.”

TJ lets out something that sounds like it could be a ‘yeah’ and Steve continues without missing a beat.

“I don’t want you to be stressed out over me. You’ve been through a lot. And your sobriety is more important than me coming out.”

Steve continues to hold him close and TJ rests his chin in Steve’s shoulder as the other talks. “It’ll be a media firestorm, but I think we can figure out a way to lie low. Pepper said I should do something like a talk show, but I don’t know how I feel about that.”

TJ can’t help but roll his eyes. “She’ll want you to do Ellen. You’ll have to dance.”

“Also, you really think you’re broken?” Steve asks him and TJ groans.

“Okay, nice swerve in conversation there, but I guess we have to talk. I’m not the perfect soulmate and we’ve both seen the films. Things are supposed to be perfect. You’re supposed to meet your soulmate and everything fits perfectly, but I’m screwed up and that’s not in the cards.”

Steve’s fingers card through TJ’s hair and he can only sigh at TJ’s admission. “I’m happy.”

“You promise you’re not lying?” TJ mumbles, hating himself for being so insecure about this. Steve presses a kiss to the top of TJ’s head. 

“Promise.”

“Okay.” TJ says, but he doesn’t really believe Steve’s telling the truth. And Steve gets this. Steve gets that TJ is scared and anxious, but he still tries to help him whenever he can. 

TJ pulls away from Steve and gives him a small smile. “When are Clint and Nat coming over?”

“They’re coming over on the earlier side of things,” Steve says. He nods towards the living room.

“TJ - why don’t you go take a nap? You could use it.” 

TJ rolls his eyes. “Okay, mom.”

But Steve is right. He probably could use a nap. The conversation with Doug took a lot out of him, as did finding his life splashed all over the Internet again. Those things take a lot out of him and that’s when a self-destructive voice always ends up chiming in more often than not.

He can’t have nice things. Boys like him don’t get nice endings. But there’s a way to make everything go away.

TJ considers it for a moment before he sighs. “Fine.”

Steve looks smug for a second. 

Bastard.

TJ pecks the side of his face and shuffles over to the couch, where he pulls the blanket up around his shoulders. It doesn’t take him too long to fall asleep and when he wakes up, it’s to Steve sketching in the chair diagonal to the couch.

“Hey. How long have I been out?” TJ asks, rubbing his face as he props himself up on one elbow.

“About an hour and a half?” Steve guesses, smiling at him fondly as he continues to work on his sketch. He blurs something out with his ring finger before he turns it to show TJ a sketch of the farmers market that he likes to frequent every Saturday morning. TJ has accompanied him once, but it made him too anxious to go again.

TJ laughs. “Okay, good. I was worried that was going to be me drooling or something.”

“When are Clint and Nat showing up?” TJ asks and Steve shrugs a bit.

“I think they’ll be here in a hour? Figured we could all gather on the patio for a bit while I cook, then maybe watch something.”

“Monopoly?” TJ suggests and Steve gives TJ a look. 

“I thought you wanted this relationship to work?” He teases and TJ gives him a sleepy grin.

“I really just want to hear you rant more about capitalism.”

“Do not pass go. Do not collect $200.”

“Shut up,” TJ responds as he gets off of the couch solely to climb onto Steve’s lap. 

Kissing Steve is something that TJ has taken advantage of since being together and it hasn’t gotten boring. They kiss when they’re cooking or watching TV or when they’re just doing anything for that matter. It’s nice to feel wanted. 

Steve lets his sketchpad fall by the wayside and he reaches up to cup the side of TJ’s face, with his fingertips in TJ’s hair as TJ presses his lips to Steve’s own.

It’s far too soon for TJ to even consider telling Steve that he loves him, but TJ knows that it’s only a matter of time. Because TJ knows he’s not the kind to fall slow, but the kind that throws himself into things headfirst.

_ Soulmates are bullshit _ , TJ reminds himself as he kisses Steve back. 

Which they are, but TJ keeps thinking that maybe this isn’t going to be bullshit. It’s the hopeful part of his mind coming out, but at some point the rational, jaded part of TJ will beat it back into submission. For now, it’s nice to enjoy this.

They continue to kiss as TJ shifts slightly, straddling Steve’s thighs as he wraps his arms around Steve’s neck. He didn’t intend for it to go any further than the two of them just making out, but there’s always the potential and this feels right. Steve’s growing interested and TJ wouldn’t mind taking things to the next left. Trailing a hand down Steve’s chest, TJ makes a move to get off of Steve’s lap, but Steve preempts this by standing up, with TJ in his arms. He walks them over to the couch and drops TJ onto it before he settles down between TJ’s legs. He makes eye contact with TJ as he unbuttons TJ’s jeans and pushes the clothing down. TJ can only mumble a string of expletives.

Once TJ had gotten over the fact that he was  _ sleeping with his soulmate who also happened to be his childhood crush _ , he realized that maybe he should have been more worried about Steve and his experience, because Steve wasn’t the most experienced guy. But that ended up not being something that TJ really needed to worry about because Steve was a quick learner and an enthusiastic one. The first time Steve pinned TJ up against the kitchen counter was seared in TJ’s mind as one of the best blowjobs of his life. And TJ had been on the receiving end of a lot of blow jobs.

“Steve…” TJ whines as Steve licks the palm of his hand before he starts to jerk TJ off. “Please.”

One of the other things the history books didn’t warn TJ about was that Steve Rogers was  _ not _ a Boy Scout in any way, shape, or form. Steve Rogers was a menace that was sent down from Heaven to ruin TJ’s life. He was a troublemaker through and through. And he also did his research. One day he is going to give TJ a heart attack and TJ will probably thank him for it.

“Please what?” Steve teases and TJ swears he’s going to kill him.

“Please put your mouth on my dick.” He hisses through clenched teeth and Steve doesn’t say anything. But he does oblige TJ by swallowing his cock down and giving it a hard suck.

“Fuck!” TJ says and his hips jerk forward a bit, but then they’re caught in Steve’s grip and it only makes TJ groan more. Because, yeah, it’s great that his boyfriend happens to be a supersoldier and Steve has caught on to that TJ likes being manhandled.

Steve groans around TJ’s cock and TJ lets out another whine as Steve’s tongue then curls around the head of his cock. It’s almost unfair just how good Steve has gotten at this.

“Steve, oh-” TJ makes a little gasp and reaches a hand down to thread his fingers through Steve’s hair.

Except then TJ’s phone buzzes with his mom’s ringtone and he groans. “Fuck, I gotta- I gotta answer that… Sorry, just…” 

Steve releases his grip long enough to let TJ grab the phone from his back pocket and hit accept.

“Yeah? Mom?” TJ asks, looking down to meet Steve’s eyes. Steve has not pulled his mouth off TJ’s dick and TJ has just realized this. TJ has also just realized that Steve has a look on his face. TJ swallows when he realizes what Steve is considering.

Steve registers the second that TJ has realized what he is thinking about and he raises a brow. TJ swallows, but decides within a split-second that he’s done worse. He gives Steve a nod and Steve smirks before he swallows TJ down to the hilt again. TJ bites on his lower lip and tries to not moan.

“TJ? Are you listening?” His mom asks and TJ clenches his eyes shut.

“Yeah, mom. Arrive a little early for-” He takes a deep breath as Steve does something with his tongue that should be illegal. “For - uh, for photos. Make sure I wear the right, uh, tie and...what am I missing?”

Steve presses his thumbs harder into TJ’s hips and TJ hates that he’s turned on by this. If he believed in hell, this would be what caused him to go to it.

“TJ, that’s not what I was saying at all. What is this about you having a  _ soulmate _ and not telling us? I had to find out from my assistant?” 

“Uh, yeah…” TJ says. He’s trying to hide the wavering in his voice, but before he can even think about it his mom is talking about soulmates and when she’s going to meet him. “Wait, Doug didn’t tell you?”

Steve swallows around TJ and he grips Steve’s hair tightly, yanking Steve’s head a bit. Steve groans a bit. TJ winces and hopes that wasn’t loud enough for his mom to pick up on.

“When do we get to meet him?” His mom asks and it takes TJ a second to remember reality. That he’s honestly getting blown by his soulmate while talking on the phone with his mother.

“Uh, soon? Not…” He squeezes his eyes shut. “Not ready for you to meet him. Still...still getting to know him.”

“TJ, I deserve to meet your soulmate. You’re my son and I want what’s best for you.” She begins and TJ can only hold back moans as Steve takes all of him down his throat. Steve loosens his grip on TJ’s hips enough for TJ’s hips to snap forward.

“Sorry, Mom. Gotta - fuck...Gotta run! Talk to to Doug about it.” He hangs the phone up and a second later he’s coming down Steve’s throat.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck,” TJ chants, trying to catch his breath as he comes down from his orgasm. Having sex while sober is definitely nice.

He pulls Steve up to the couch and reaches his hand in Steve’s sweatpants, jerking him off a few times before Steve comes with a quiet gasp.

“You’re a fucking  _ menace _ ,” TJ says before he pulls Steve into a kiss. “And  _ no one _ believes that you are.”

Steve looks smug and TJ shoves him away. “Go shower.”

“You joining me?” Steve teases. TJ considers it for a second before he waves Steve off.

“I think you can leave without me for a few minutes.” He says. Steve kisses the side of his face before he heads off the the bathroom, leaving TJ alone with his thoughts. 

When is he going to introduce his family to Steve? They know he has a soulmate now and there’s no escaping the shitstorm that is most definitely headed their way. They’re going to be breathing down TJ’s neck because his family likes to pretend they’re still the type of people that think soulmates aren’t bullshit.

TJ hears the shower turn on and he pushes himself up off the couch. He cleans himself off and begins ambling around the apartment to keep himself occupied.

His family would prefer an introduction as soon as possible, but TJ doesn’t want to expose Steve to them just yet. Steve deserves more than what TJ knows is going to happen. The PR team would frame it as Steve being TJ’s redemption and no one is TJ’s redemption except for his own damn self.

At the same time, this redemption arc is only going to make things worse for Steve. TJ was forced out of the closet and even though Steve wants to step out, TJ knows that an American icon coming out as bisexual is not going to be easy or anywhere close to being pretty.

The shower turns off and it isn’t long before Steve is walking into the kitchen fully-dressed, but with damp hair.. He spots TJ and gives him a look. Obviously TJ’s still terrible at hiding his thoughts.

“You okay?” He asks and TJ gives a little shrug.

“My family wants to meet you.” And Steve knows what that means. There have been plenty of nights where they would lie next to each other in bed and TJ would tell Steve everything about growing up under the public eye. The anxiety over everything and knowing that every action was being dissected by the press. The realization that you couldn’t trust anyone anymore. The worst thing about it, was Steve was a fixer and this was something Steve couldn’t fix. 

“I’m fine with meeting your family.” Steve says and TJ gives Steve a look.

“I’m not fine with you meeting my family. I told you that this will change things.” 

Steve walks over to TJ and puts his arms around him, pulling him to his chest. “I think I’m good with standing my ground.”

Burying his face in Steve’s chest, TJ shakes his head and tries to keep himself composed. “I’m worried about this. I’m worried about you coming out. I’m worried about everything.”

Steve pulls him even closer. “I know you are. You’re a worrier.”

He does a few of his breathing exercises before he hears a knock on the door of Steve’s apartment. “They’re early.”

“At least they used the door this time.”

Steve presses one last kiss to the top of TJ’s head before he pulls away to answer the door. Before he can get there, Natasha has already jimmied the lock and is stepping inside.

“We could have been naked, you know.” Steve says, voice deadpan. Natasha raises a brow and Clint looks considering behind her before he shrugs.

“That’s a risk we both were willing to take,” she responds, before she holds out a bag from Trader Joe’s. TJ perks up because he knows it means she’s purchased the Maple Leaf Cookies, which really means she knows about the article and that he’s in need of cheering up.

_ Is this what having friends is like? _

“What’s for dinner?” Clint asks as he brushes past them to the couch. Steve nods over at the fridge.

“We decided on steaks. It’s starting to get cold, so I think taking advantage of the grill is the best thing we can do at the moment.”

Natasha nods. “Finally. Maybe we’ll have snow this year.”

“Probably not,” TJ says, already digging through the paper bag for the maple leaf cookies. He makes a sound of excitement when he finds them. Natasha’s easily his favorite person.

“So, steaks?” She asks as TJ opens the box of cookies. He offers one to Steve, who waves him off.

“Steaks, grilled vegetables. Potatoes? I think we have those.”

“We have the makings for salad, too.” TJ points out as he tries to think what they have.

Natasha watches him with an amused look and TJ knows what she’s thinking.

“I don’t want to talk about it,” TJ says as the corner of Natasha’s lip twitches upwards into a smirk.

“You really think you’re not soulmates?” She asks as TJ flushes. Steve immediately reaches out and puts a hand on TJ’s lower back. 

“Don’t harass him, Tasha.” Clint says as he plucks a cookie from TJ’s hand.

Natasha sobers up a bit and TJ relaxes when he realizes she won’t push any further. She knows TJ’s limits, but a little bit of needling isn’t the worst thing in the world.

“I’m going to miss your balcony, Rogers. The views of the city are great.” Natasha says, switching subjects in a way that TJ is thankful for.

Steve rolls his eyes. TJ has heard Steve complain about DC’s lack of a proper skyline and TJ knows that Steve misses New York.

“Doesn’t the landlady say anything about the grill?” Clint asks and Natasha laughs. 

“You’re really going to tell Captain America that he can’t grill? We can’t even get him to use a parachute.” Natasha responds. 

“What’s this about Steve not using a parachute?” TJ asks and Steve’s widen almost comically.

“Romanoff…” Steve warns and Natasha looks the cat that has caught the canary.

“Oh, Steve…” Natasha goes into the kitchen and when she comes back it’s with the sparkling pomegranate juice that no one else except for her drinks. TJ doesn’t understand why she keeps it at Steve’s place.

“I’m very confused and I should be told things,” TJ says. “How often do you not use parachutes?”

Steve looks like he’d rather be anywhere but next to him. “Only on stealth missions when it’s safe for me to not use them.”

“Not an answer, Steve.” TJ gets it, though. Steve is a super soldier and some things that would kill a normal person don’t even do anything beyond tickle him. It doesn’t mean Steve can dodge the question as he is prone to do at times.

“I’ve only done it twice,” Steve justifies and TJ makes a considering face as he tries not to panic. Though, he has seen videos of his boyfriend fighting aliens. It’s not like he has a normal day job. TJ forces down the anxiety.

“Okay. Tell me next time instead of hiding it, yeah? Go season the steaks and cut the vegetables.” He says and Steve gapes a bit before TJ gives him a look. “Go!”

Steve finally gives him a jaunty salute before he disappears into the kitchen.

“You’ve got him trained,” Natasha says, sipping at her juice.

TJ shrugs. “Sort of. Still a work in progress, y’know?”

“I heard that!” Steve calls from the kitchen and TJ feels the grin spread out on his face. 

_ God, I’m going to fall in love with him _ , TJ thinks.

“Gross,” Clint says and Natasha gives him a look that says she agrees.

“I thought you were going to be angry with him about the parachute thing. I really did think he told you,” Natasha explains and TJ makes a half-shrug.

“You’re a spy, Clint shoots exploding arrows, and Steve is, well, he wears spandex for a living. And I’m a drug addict with a mom who wants to be president. I don’t think I have it in me to be angry.” 

Which is pretty much true. TJ is always petrified that Steve will come back injured or be injured, but at the same time TJ can’t imagine Steve of all people trying to hurt himself on purpose.

Or maybe TJ had been misunderstanding how Steve’s own self-destructive tendencies manifested. He feels a vague sense of unease, but isn’t sure why that is.

“TJ?” Clint asks and TJ looks over at him. He signs that he’s fine and Clint gives him a concerned look. TJ can’t freak out over this. He won’t.

“Guys, should I introduce Steve to my mom?” He asks, knowing that is more of the issue he should be freaking out about.

He knows that Steve is on the guest list for the upcoming gala, so he knows that there is an opportunity. At the same time, TJ wonders if he really should just drag Steve to a family dinner and call it that.

For someone that didn’t really want to hide his relationship, TJ is starting to wonder if that’s what he’s doing. 

Except, TJ is also protecting his mental health because the anxiety and stress from this meeting could send TJ down a bad path and his life right now is supposed to be nothing but minimizing stress. Which is why he’s not working or doing much of anything besides lounging around 

“I’m probably not the person to ask,” Natasha says, while Clint nods in agreement.

“Damn it.” TJ curses. “I don’t think it’s the right time, but…”

He lets out a deep breath and forces himself to count to ten. Coping tactics are important. 

“Do you need something?” Natasha asks, and TJ has to stop himself from saying something bitter. He’s panicking a bit, but that shouldn’t mean he should take it out on other people.

Am I about to have a panic attack? All signs point to yes.

TJ doesn’t see Natasha sign something to Clint, but suddenly TJ is being ushered to the couch and there’s a can of San Pellegrino being pushed into his hands.

“Breathe,” Clint says as he sits down next to him. TJ knows he gets it more than anyone else. Apparently the recovery of post-mind control and watching an entire city get destroyed is a lot for a guy.

Clint gets it more than anyone and he walks TJ through his breathing exercises until TJ finally is able to push himself back up into a sitting position. He’s absolutely mortified.

“Can we all pretend that didn’t happen?” He asks, blinking away any tears of embarrassment.

“What happened?” Natasha asks as TJ makes eye contact with Steve. He doesn’t say anything, but he walks over to TJ and presses a kiss to the top of his head before he retreats back into the kitchen.

TJ appreciates Steve knowing when to not pry into his mental health, but it makes TJ feel worse about not doing enough for Steve. TJ has gone to  _ a lot  _ of charity events about PTSD.

Still.

“I’m still not ready for the parents thing, but I don’t know, I guess I could confirm on Twitter that I’m seeing someone.”

He doesn’t mention the whole soulmate thing, and Steve picks up on that. 

“That could be good,” Natasha responds. “Something simple. You have Twitter, right? ‘I can confirm I am in a relationship at this time, but ask you please respect my privacy.’ That should get the point across.”

“Were you a PR junkie n your past life?” TJ asks, already pulling out his phone. He opens Twitter and types up the message before he gets up and goes to the kitchen. “This okay for you?”

Steve reads the message and then his gaze flickers up to meet TJ’s eyes. “Are you sure?”

“It’s already out there, so why not?” TJ shrugs, clearly trying to dismiss the entire subject.

“There’s more to it, but I think that’s good if you really want to confirm us. I’m fine with confirming it,” Steve points out and TJ wonders why today feels so tense. Maybe because he knows they’re on the precipice of something major, but they’re not exactly sure what they’re teetering towards. It could be something great. It could be a trainwreck.

TJ’s not sure he believes in anything good, but he is hoping for it.

TJ is about to say something, but Steve shakes his head. “Let’s focus on tonight. Think you can salt and pepper these without ruining them?”

“Fuck off,” TJ says with a laugh before he hits the light blue button that posts the Tweet. With that, he turns his phone off and sets it on the counter, getting to work on salting and peppering everything.

“That’s no way to talk to your boyfriend,” Steve says, flicking some water at TJ’s face. 

“Fuck. Off.” TJ says, enunciating the words as he bats Steve’s hand away from him.

“Take those outside once you’ve got them seasoned.” Steve says and TJ gives him a jaunty wave as he takes the plate out to Steve’s patio. It’s not exactly the biggest space but it’ll be fine for just the four of them. TJ doesn’t actually know if Steve is supposed to have a grill on it, but Steve figures the landlord really doesn’t care that Captain America has a grill on his roof. He’s probably the least likely person to set the building on fire. Or maybe he’s the most likely person. It doesn’t really matter, Steve has a laundry machine in his apartment and TJ knows that technically isn’t allowed without preapproval, but if Steve is only using his status to get a grill and laundry machine, well, TJ can’t really blame him.

Natasha and Clint follow TJ out onto the patio with a pack of the San Pellegrino that Steve is so weirdly fond of.

“You’re a trending topic on Twitter,” Natasha says simply, leaving it at that. TJ shrugs as he sets the plate down on the grill’s ledge. 

“At least I have my pants on this time,” he points out and Clint laughs.

“Eh, happens,” Clint says and TJ laughs a bit before he signs something to Clint. Steve wanders outside at that moment and he glances between the two, but he doesn’t say anything beyond a raised brow. He doesn’t really question their weird friendship anymore.

TJ leans against the railing of the patio, with his back turned out towards the street. It’s against all of his safety training, but he doesn’t care. No one has threatened to kill him recently, so he doubts there’s a sniper a few blocks away with something trained on him.

Clint passes him a soda and TJ thanks him before he cracks it open to take a sip of it. He’s sure his doctor would complain about his sugar intake. Everything about this situation is domestic - even when taking in the fact that everyone around him is really some sort of super soldier-assassin sort of thing. It’s fine.

Is it weird that he’s used to this? He won’t admit to liking it.

Clint is signing to Natasha and she’s smiling at him. Has TJ confirmed they’re soulmates? He doesn’t think so, but Steve has just put the steaks on the grill and TJ closes his eyes, absorbing the normalcy of everything.

No one is really talking and they don’t really speak until after Steve confirms the steaks are done. They move back into the apartment because the four of them can’t really eat on the patio, which is fine since it’s starting to get cold out there. 

Natasha doesn’t seem to be cold in the slightest, but TJ can feel the wind seeping into his bones.

For as boring as this entire night would be to his former friends, TJ finds that he’s glad that he doesn’t have to impress anyone.

“You’re getting very domestic, Steve.” Natasha points out as Steve puts on the record player in the corner. Steve can only shrug in response as TJ sits down at his usual spot at the table.

“I think Steve is allowed to be as boring as he wants when he’s not off saving the world,” TJ says, giving Steve a grin as Steve sits down next to him.  
Clint gives Natasha a look. “You’re plenty boring when you’re not on mission.”

“We’re  _ all _ boring,” she counters, as she plucks a vegetable off the plate that Steve has set down on the table. “Our lives are periods of nothing with periods of saving the world in between.”

Steve sits down at the table and nods at that. “Yeah. Though, I thought that once the war was over, I would go back to a boring life with no saving the world. But I think that’s not in the cards for me.”

Natasha seems to deflate at that. She’s silent for a moment before she meets Steve’s eyes and nods. “That’s true.”

TJ wonders if Natasha and Steve truly trust each other. Natasha never really shows vulnerability and Steve has mentioned before that she’s a secret wrapped in another secret that also happens to be wrapped in a secret. Steve has all but replaced Clint in Natasha’s missions, but TJ can see the apprehension in Steve.

Despite what everyone seems to know or think about Steve, they really don’t know that there’s a lot of issues buried underneath. And Steve is fine is burying them deeper and deeper as long as it helps someone else.

As someone that is a mess, TJ understands it, but he knows it isn’t good. He also can’t push aside his train of thought from earlier. Steve isn’t in a good place. But what is TJ to do?

“Well, to be really boring and annoying, I got my suit fitted today and I had lunch with Doug, which was just as boring as you think it would be.” TJ interjects, knowing he should probably change the topic of conversation.

“Hobby search not going well?” Clint asks and TJ makes a pained noise.

“Stop calling it my hobby search,” TJ groans.

“You’ve got a piano in your apartment and a guitar that I can’t play, so, those are hobbies?” Clint points out, using his fork for emphasis.

“I don’t know if I’m ready to be playing the piano again.” TJ murmurs, ignoring the way Steve is suddenly looking at him with the vaguest form of concern. Steve knows TJ has a piano, but he doesn’t know the depth of TJ’s skill with the piano. TJ is never sure if that means he’s hiding a lot of things from Steve. “I was thinking taking a cooking class, so, you know, I can actually help out with these things.”

That suggestion makes Clint light up. “Oh, dude, you should learn how to bake. You could make like, pies and shit. Can you imagine?”

TJ considers it for a second. “...I mean, I guess people do say it’s a form of stress-release. And my mom says I’m still too skinny.”

“You should ask Anne to join you. I’m sure she’d like to get out of the house too,” Steve suggests.

“Yeah, that’d work. Maybe Nana?” TJ considers the idea further and decides that it’s something to think about after dinner. Baking is a completely normal thing. Even his mother has occasionally baked the odd batch of cookies, but that was normally after another one of his father’s affairs leaked and she was trying to impart some normalcy on their family dynamic. “I’m also open to other suggestions.”

“Knitting,” Natasha says.

TJ stares at her for a second. Natasha blinks slowly, but she doesn’t burst into laughter.

“I knit.” She says. “It’s relaxing.”

Clint nods. “She makes the best sweaters.”

“Knitting and baking. Those sound like the hobbies of a ninety-year-old, but I think that’s fine.”

“As a ninety-something, I take offense,” Steve says and TJ chuckles.

“Shut up, you’re actually younger than me,” TJ points out. Natasha and Clint both laugh. The tension has broken and they’re able to eat, joking and stealing bites of food from each other’s plates as they chat.

When dinner is finished, Natasha and Clint manage to duck out to go back to wherever came from and Steve and TJ head to the couch. Steve lies on TJ’s lap and TJ strokes his hair as they sit together listening to the record player. At some point, TJ yawns and Steve gets up. Wordlessly, they head to the bedroom to turn in for the night. Curling up against Steve’s side, TJ decides that he really could get used to the domesticity and he falls into a dreamless sleep.

 

**–––**

 

Steve wakes TJ up the next morning around four am, giving him a gentle shake. Steve never strays from his routine unless something has happened and TJ groans, knowing this means one thing and one thing only.

“When you gotta leave?” TJ slurs, still out of it and half-asleep. 

“I need to report to SHIELD in the next hour,” Steve says, cupping the side of TJ’s face and giving him an apologetic smile. TJ’s only response is to groan and bury his face in Steve’s hand.

“Not fair.”

“Never is.”

Despite the unfairness of the situation, TJ gets up to make coffee. Steve never actually packs for these things, since everything he needs is always provided by SHIELD. TJ can at least provide the caffeine before Steve disappears to god knows where.

“How long you gonna be gone?” TJ asks, yawning as his Southern accent slips out a tiny bit. 

“At least a week,” Steve responds, coming up behind him so he can press his chin to TJ’s shoulder. “Natasha’s coming too, so I expect Clint will be around.”

TJ groans in annoyance, but he’s survived Steve being gone before. Political campaigning gave him pretty good coping skills when it came to his parents being gone, but at the same time he did become a drug addict. So maybe that’s not the most apt comparison to make.

“Don’t do anything dumb,” TJ chides and Steve lets out a small laugh. He’ll never make that promise to TJ, but TJ likes to pretend that he knows better.

“You wanna eat something?” TJ asks a second later and Steve nods. “Make some eggs, then.”

Steve laughs again and the two of them work side-by-side, with TJ setting the table and Steve making bacon and eggs. It’s simple, but honestly TJ doesn’t think he can do much more at four in the morning. He’s going to barely hold it together for the next twenty-or-so hours, but maybe he can drag Clint over for a complaining session as they watch some ridiculous television show. TJ sure hopes so, because he’ll need that over Doug’s company. Doug won’t get it.

They eat in silence and eventually there’s a beeping from Steve’s phone, which TJ recognizes as his alarm. It’s time for him to leave. Sighing, the two of them get up from the table. TJ walks Steve to his door and presses a kiss to his lips.

“I’ll lock up for you, don’t worry.”

“You’re amazing,” Steve murmurs and TJ wonders what it’s going to be like to hear Steve say that he loves him. He knows that one day it’s going to happen, but he’s just not entirely sure when.

“Be safe,” TJ murmurs, kissing Steve again before Steve finally pulls away. He actually does have to leave and without another word, Steve disappears into the hallway.

TJ shuts the door and begins to clean up the dishes before he realizes that Steve didn’t actually tell him good-bye. It makes TJ smile a bit. Typical.

Instead of going back to bed, TJ chooses instead to close up Steve’s apartment, since he knows he’ll be spending the next few days at his own. As he leaves, he runs into Kate, who is locking up her own door. She has an empty reusable grocery back on her shoulder and she gives TJ a smile.

“Heading out already?” She asks and TJ nods. He’s run into her quite a bit and she’s doing a pretty good job of not asking any prying questions. She’s never even asked him his name, or if he’s a new tenant of the building.

“Yeah. What are you up to?” He asks, flipping his phone open to call a car. 

“Going to go get groceries. Finally have a day off from the ward,” she says, pushing the elevator button.

TJ smiles at that. “Nursing, huh? What’s that like?”

“Oh, you know, it has its ups and downs, but no day is ever the same.”

“Yeah, I bet.” He says, falling quiet as the elevator doors open.

The two of them don’t say anything else as the elevator descends, but Kate does give him a wave when they’re outside of the building.

“See you around,” she says cheerfully, before she turns and heads towards the Whole Foods.

“See you around,” TJ says, watching her walk away until his Uber arrives. TJ glances up at Steve’s apartment building once before he climbs into the car to go back to his own place.

–––

 

Life when Steve isn’t around is pretty much identical to life before Steve, which is kind of nice when TJ thinks about it. It’s not like with Sean. Sure, TJ spends a lot of time with Steve, but his existence doesn’t revolve around him. His therapist lets him know that’s a good sign, because it means his sobriety isn’t tied to Steve. That’s good, because honestly TJ isn’t sure what he would do if he made all of the same mistakes again.

TJ goes to group, he goes to therapy, he gets coffee with Miguel, he goes from a pack of cigarettes to a half pack a day, and he takes his medication. He even signs up for a bread baking class with Anne, who is itching to get out of the townhouse and also because her own therapist thinks that baking will help her with her tendencies for “perfection.” TJ’s been calling it their joint therapy session. 

Clint shows up at his apartment a few days into the mission with Natasha’s knitting needles and they spend an entire afternoon learning how to knit. TJ manages to make a very thin scarf, but he takes a photo and sends the photo to Steve, who thinks it is hilarious.

The one constant - besides all of the boring stuff - is the two of them do text every night. They even manage to talk on the phone once and Steve’s tinny voice lets TJ know that Steve is far away doing god knows what. TJ doesn’t question it though and he wonders what that says about him. He doesn’t really push Steve about anything, which seems like a personal fault. His therapist says it may be a coping mechanism for his own anxiety.

The only major thing on TJ’s plate is the veteran’s gala, which comes on the day after  Steve texts him that he’s on his way back from the mission. Steve’s on the list for the gala, but instead of skipping it like any reasonable human would do Steve is adamant that he is going to be there. 

“I’m fine, mom. Stop,” TJ whines as his mother readjusts his tie for the third time. “It looks just fine.”

“It’s bothering me,” his mother says and TJ really just thinks that she’s checking to make sure he hasn’t snorted any coke in the time she disappears to take a phone call. 

It isn’t long before they’re being ushered into a room, where they’re all expected to mingle and TJ wonders why he even goes to these things. Sure, a united family front is important, but at the same time he really, really hates these public displays that he’s alive and getting his shit together. Because everyone else in the entire room is looking at him wondering when he’s going to screw up again.

TJ spends most of the evening standing far away from the open bar, which is his go-to for pretty much everything. It’s almost like there’s a crackle of energy in the room from the older guests and that’s how TJ knows that Steve has arrived.

Well, okay, it really isn’t a crackle of energy as much as it is some green behind the ears Congressman loudly introducing himself to Captain America.

Seeing Steve across the room dressed in his suit and tie is enough to make TJ think of many, many bad ideas. But TJ is proud of himself simply for stepping out of the room ten minutes after Steve arrives in hopes that Steve would follow at some point. After all, Steve had been gone for two weeks and the text messages between them weren't as sufficient as the phone calls. But TJ knows Steve at least a little bit and not even five minutes later Steve appears in the hallway, giving TJ a wide smile.

Anyone who thinks Steve Rogers is a duty-bound Boy Scout is really an idiot. Steve does the right thing and the right thing at this moment is letting his boyfriend know that he’s alive after two weeks. TJ checks the hallway before he pushes Steve into the empty room he had scouted out only moments prior. It looks like one of those old rooms where people would step in to take phone calls.

“You’ve been gone for two weeks and then you waltz in here in a tux? Shut up and kiss me, because I know you’d rather be doing that than shaking hands with some old politicians,” TJ murmurs, lips pressed against Steve’s neck.

It’s a classic “Old TJ” move, but TJ is sober, so it’s different. The man he’s kissing is also not married and is in fact dating him, so he thinks it’s completely fine. Or well, apparently they’re soulmates. So TJ thinks it gives him an excuse for when Doug comes in search of him.

A shiver runs down TJ’s spine when he feels Steve press closer and put his hands on TJ’s hips.

“I’m supposed to be out there, TJ. It’s a charity for veterans and I’m a veteran.” Steve murmurs, but TJ knows Steve isn’t going to make a move to leave. He’s just protesting to be a jerk, which is a trademarked Steve Rogers personality trait. Steve’s hands snake down to rest lower on TJ’s hips and then they slip up underneath TJ’s suit jacket. His fingertips feel like they’re burning TJ’s skin even though there is his shirt fabric between their skin, but TJ ignores it in favor of silencing Steve with a kiss. 

“Ten minutes and then I’m going back out there.” Steve says against his lips, finally conceding to a brief make-out in the sideroom. 

“I think I have about five minutes before Doug comes in search of me, so this really isn’t gonna be a thing. Just needed to see you. You okay?” TJ pulls away and brushes a finger over Steve’s lips, knowing that there’s no way for him to know what Steve got up to while he was on mission. 

“Yeah, I’m fine. I promise it was mostly surveillance.” Steve responds and TJ chuckles.

“They send you to do surveillance?” TJ asks and Steve shrugs, looking sheepish suddenly.

“No, they send Natasha to do surveillance and I’m the muscle.”

TJ has tried mapping his body in the hours after Steve has returned and has only been able to find the barest traces of bruises that have just begun to fade. TJ watches Steve’s eyes flutter shut in contentment before he leans forward to kiss him again. It’s a chaste kiss and TJ only opens his mouth just a little bit.

Somehow, that’s when the door opens and everything goes to shit. They’ve only been in the room for all of three minutes. Apparently the room is still used for phone calls.

There’s no way they can even deny what is happened. TJ’s hand is fisted in Steve’s suit and Steve has his fingers splayed against TJ’s lower back. It probably looks much worse than it really is, but that’s not what matters.

What matters is there is the flash of a cell phone camera light and a Congressional intern who was roped into helping out probably just found the biggest scoop of their life. It’s pretty easy to buy interns off, though. Most of them are unpaid and really just want a month’s supply of not-shitty coffee.

Except TJ blinks away the spots in front of his eyes and sees something much, much worse.

“Holy shit,” Christine Everhart of Vanity Fair says and TJ can only think one thing:  _ Fuck _ . 

There’s no way this is going to turn out well. 

“Captain Rogers, are you in a relationship with TJ Hammond? Are you his  _ soulmate _ ?” 

Her voice is almost incredulous that TJ Hammond could be Steve’s soulmate and TJ already knows that this is going to be what it sounds like when everyone finds out. They won’t believe that someone as golden as Steve could be with someone as miserable as TJ.

Steve stiffens at her line of questioning, but TJ doesn’t even wait for Steve to open his mouth. Years of being in front of a camera and needing damage control has taught him that the best thing to do is to run and call the publicist immediately. Or in this case, text Doug. 

“No comment,” TJ says as he grabs Steve’s hand, dragging him out of the small room. Christine is still asking questions and she has her phone out, but TJ is happy enough to ignore the rest of them. It’s going to be out in the universe any second, so TJ is happy to focus on running away. Some battles aren’t worth attempting to stay and fight, but TJ really was never a fighter. Steve looks like he wants to say something, but he’s letting TJ drag him away. Is this the first time Steve has ever stepped down from a fight, he wonders. Or is this Steve deciding this isn’t worth fighting over?

TJ will tell his mom or Doug to grab their coats once he’s in the car, but for right now he needs to get Steve out of there.

He’s not sure how many people see him drag Steve out of the small room, but there are a few people loitering in the lobby. One is a Senator, but TJ doesn’t let go of Steve’s hand. He thinks he can hear a few people whispering and he’s hoping he didn’t hear another camera shutter click. His heart is pumping like he just had three shots of espresso and he knows his hands are shaking. It’s almost like the first time he was in front of camera, but now he knows that the consequences are much more severe than just tripping on the stairs of the governor’s mansion.

TJ is on autopilot and he drags the two of them to the valet, hailing a taxi before he pushes Steve into the one that stops in front of them mere seconds later. He follows Steve into the taxi and directs the driver to his apartment, still holding onto Steve’s hand. Steve’s gaze is far off and TJ doesn’t want to break him out of it, but he gently squeezes Steve’s hand.

“Steve? You okay?” He asks, giving his arm a tug. Steve’s hand is in his lap and TJ is holding onto it for dear life because he knows that this is their fault. He can hear his phone buzzing and he knows that it’s probably just hit Twitter. “I’m so sorry, Steve. I’m so sorry. It shouldn’t have happened to you this way, I’m so sorry.”

Steve’s phone ringing is the real surprise and Steve lets out a deep breath when he pulls the phone out and reads the caller ID. He sends the call straight to voicemail. “I really don’t feel like talking to Tony Stark right now.”

The rest of the drive passes in silence, but TJ doesn’t let go of Steve’s hand. It might be for Steve, but TJ is sure it’s mostly for himself.

As far as family events go, this one won’t be too horrible. Or maybe it’s going to be worse because he’s sober and all he can think about is how much easier this would be if he were drunk. Or maybe it’d be even worse, but he’d be drunk, so it’s not like really like he would notice it that much.

The sensation of needing a drink or a hit is rolling down his spine and is settling uncomfortably in his stomach. It’s enough to make him want to go to sleep for the rest of the evening, but he can’t go to sleep. TJ’s pretty sure he’s lost feeling in his fingers from how tightly he’s holding onto Steve, but he’s the one who got the other man into this situation and he’s sure as hell going to see him through the entirety of this shitshow.

After all, it wasn’t that too long ago that TJ found himself being unceremoniously dumped out of the closet in a moment of adolescent blindness. 

_ Honestly, _ he wonders.  _ Did I ever leave that behind me? _

The cab pulls up to his apartment building and TJ pays the driver, tipping him more than fifty percent in hopes that it’ll buy his silence or maybe at least a little bit more time. 

There are way too many text messages blowing up his phone, but TJ finds it weird that he’s happy to see one from his brother.

_ Doug: You okay? _

_ TJ: Not really.  _

_ Doug: Mom is going to finish up here and then we’ll head over. You at yours? _

_ TJ: Yep. Bring on the firing squad. _

_ Doug: You were really making out with Captain America in a coat closet? _

_ TJ: Yep. Dad would be proud. _

“My mom and Doug’ll be coming to join us soon,” He murmurs, bringing the back of Steve’s hand to his lips before he opens the cab door. Steve squeezes his hand back and TJ guides them out of the cab and into his apartment building. 

TJ wonders why he directed the driver to his own apartment, but then he realizes that he doesn’t want Steve to feel like he’s been attacked in his own place. 

They walk to his apartment in silence with only a greeting to the doorman. TJ wonders if Steve is going to break up with him the second that logical thought comes back to his head. When they step in the apartment, TJ shuts the door behind them and he turns back to Steve.

“I’m not sure if you want to change before they get here, but I think that’s my plan. I…” He trails off, rubbing his eyes with the back of his hand. Steve walks over to his side and presses a kiss to the side of TJ’s head, letting out a deep breath as he pulls away. 

“So, you’re going to get to meet my family,” he says with a laugh and Steve can’t help but let out a small laugh. TJ feels like it’s a victory.

“And here I was hoping we would meet over dinner or something.”

“Dinner’s boring. This way you get your scandal out of the way now,” TJ jokes and Steve finally smiles a real smile. They’ve both been through worse and they’re going to push through it, but they’re allowed a little bit of a pity party. “You’re not allowed to join the family if you don’t have a scandal.”

“I’m going to shower, okay? Need to meet your family on the right foot.” Steve murmurs and TJ gives him a nod, but places a hand on his chest before Steve can walk off.

“Just to let you know, you look really nice tonight.” TJ murmurs. Steve smiles at that and presses a kiss to TJ’s cheek before he heads to TJ’s bathroom.

TJ notes that he walks to the bathroom like he was going to an execution. He wonders if the shock has finally hit the other or if he’s still in disbelief over the entire situation.

TJ’s phone buzzes and he looks down at his phone. He groans when he sees the text.

_ Doug:  _ ETA 30 minutes.

TJ can hear the shower start up in his bathroom and he hopes that Steve is’t going to try to drown himself like a turkey. TJ has tried it before and it doesn’t work, though he’s sure he’d try it again if the rest of the night got especially miserable.

TJ goes to make tea when it all finally hits him like a freight train. He curses when he realizes that this is actually going to be a mess. He’s dating Captain America and the world is pretty much about to know that’s happening. His entire life is about to be under a microscope again and all TJ can do is sink down to the floor of his kitchen.  He puts his head in his hands and he wants to cry because he’s more than likely just screwed up one of the better things in his life. No three month relationship survives a coming out crisis. He’s not going to be the exception to the rule and he’s just going to be the person that had shoved Steve Rogers out of the closet enough for him to find someone else.

And because he hates himself, he pulls out his phone and starts to scroll through the #TJHammond tag on Twitter. 

It’s not as bad as the Captain America one and TJ doesn’t know how many times Steve has been called a fag, but TJ is pretty sure that it probably isn’t as nearly as close to how many as TJ is seeing on Twitter right now. TJ stops reading after the tweets start to become repetitive and he just continues to sit on his kitchen floor. He wants some coke more than anything else in the world.

All TJ knows is that Steve probably wants to be alone for the time being, so TJ stares off into space lost in his thoughts because he’s not exactly sure what he can do for now. He should call his sponsor or something. However, he just can’t bring himself to do it. 

A self-destructive thought crosses his mind and TJ can only fight back the tears. He needs to use his coping mechanisms or something. He knows he needs to pick up and straighten the apartment, since he’s sure that his mom will suggest a maid service in the middle of yelling at him. Even though TJ’s not going to get a maid. TJ’s proud that his home is finally beginning to look less like a hotel room and more like a place that he actually enjoys living in.

TJ forces himself from the kitchen floor and it’s almost like he’s on autopilot. Except instead of heading out to the street or tidying up his home, TJ finds himself walking past the bathroom and to the guest room. On the opposite side of the bed, against the wall, is the standing piano he’s been avoiding for months. TJ swallows and walks over to it. He lifts the key cover and lets his fingers ghost across the keys. He presses down lightly and C Major rises up.

He pulls out the piano bench and lets his fingers ghost up and down the keys before he finally starts playing. He’s still on auto-pilot, but instead of playing something sad or awful, he starts playing the song that he remembers his dad singing to his mom back before everything had happened. 

Despite his mom and piano teacher’s insistence on learning Beethoven and Mozart, TJ had been hellbent to learn how to play Hey Good Lookin’ after hearing his dad singing it to his mom. Happier times.

By the time he finishes, TJ realizes he isn’t alone and he looks over to see Steve leaning against the doorframe dressed in a faded band shirt that TJ had bought for him and the jeans that Natasha had bought him in her attempt to make sure he never wore another pair of high-waisted khaki pants again. So far, it’s been working. 

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to interrupt,” Steve says, moving to leave the room. TJ shakes his head and stands up from the piano, shutting the cover as quick as possible. 

“I'm sorry. I'm so, so, so fucking sorry," TJ starts as he approaches Steve, but Steve is suddenly silencing him with a kiss and TJ wraps his arms around his neck instinctively. They don’t get much time to kiss because there’s a buzz from the front door that means someone downstairs wants up, so TJ brushes past Steve and into the hallway so he can let them in. He doesn’t even glance at the security camera.

Barely a minute later, there’s a knock at the door and TJ steels his resolve before he pulls the door open. Except it’s not his mom or his brother there.

“Tasha has Twitter,” Clint says as he pushes himself past TJ so he can make a beeline for TJ’s couch. He flops down on the cushions and lets out a groan of pleasure to not be standing anymore.

Natasha greets TJ with a smile but pauses long to press a manila folder into TJ’s hands. “Courtesy of Pepper Potts. She called me the second Tony told her the news broke. He passes on his congratulations on the causing a scandal, as does everyone else.”

Clint gives TJ a thumbs up from the couch. “The team already loves you. Well, I mean, Tasha and I love you. And Tony apparently likes you because he gets the whole ‘reformed hot mess’ thing, so that’s another vote for you. Thor’s off-world at the moment and Bruce says you seem really nice, so we’re gonna say the team likes you. Which we have mentioned once or twice because we really like you.”

TJ’s not exactly sure when Natasha walked past him, but she’s sitting next to Clint on the couch, gently whacking at his hand. So, TJ shuts the door to his apartment and looks down at the folder in his hands. Steve comes up next to TJ to look at the folder. There is a yellow sticky note attached to the folder and on the yellow sticky note is one sentence:  _ Pepper wants to send out ASAP. _

As Natasha settles in next to the other trained assassin in the room, TJ opens the folder and reads the press release that Pepper and Steve had discussed a week or so prior. He hands the folder to Steve, but he knows Steve has already read the press release over his shoulder.

"We are your backup," Natasha says, pointing at the folder in Steve's hand with one hand and other covering Clint's mouth with the other. "Do me a favor and read that so I can send Pepper a message letting her know exactly what you want it to say."

TJ turns to look back at Clint and Natasha and mouths "thank you." Natasha gives him a nod and Clint mumbles a very faint "you're welcome" from underneath Natasha's hand as Steve takes the folder into the kitchen.

Waiting a moment, TJ follows Steve into the kitchen and gives him a nod as a slight greeting. He clears his throat before he speaks. “You know, you don’t actually have to come out now. We can release a statement denying it or asking for privacy or saying I was really drunk and I’m the one who kissed you. It’s…”

“One second, TJ. Let me just double check the wording on this,” Steve interrupts, eyes still glued on the press release that he had never asked to be written. It was just something he was given and something he was supposed to approve, before he confirmed something that the entire world knew was on Twitter.

Steve’s words didn’t even come out harsh, but TJ is a crier and anything in a semi-clipped tone comes off as an insult. Steve’s jaw drops slightly when he realizes that TJ is suddenly crying and he sets the file down, reaching out a hand so he can pull TJ into a hug.

“I’m sorry,” Steve whispers, holding him close as he presses a kiss to TJ’s temple. “I didn’t mean to snap at you. I…I was out of line. I’m sorry. I’m just…”

“Stop apologizing, Steve. You didn’t even snap. Stop. It’s…I’m the one that did this to you.” TJ whispers, voice muffled by Steve’s shirt. “I’m sorry that I’m making you go through what I went through. I…you were supposed to do this on your own terms. I took that from you.”

That’s when Steve reaches up to wipe away a tear rolling down his cheek and TJ cringes internally.

“Fuck. I’m always crying. It’s like…” TJ steps away from Steve and wipes his eyes on his shirt. It’s then that he realizes that he’s still wearing his suit and he turns to the other. “I’m going to go change.”

Without another word, he pushes past Steve and heads into the bedroom and switches into an outfit that is a little bit more comfortable. Steve comes into the room a second later, but pauses near the door. Steve pauses a lot near doors when he’s in TJ’s place, almost as if he’s tip-toeing around.

“I’m worried about you,” he confesses and TJ rolls his eyes.

“I don’t think I can do a line of coke in my room when I have two trained assassins and a supersoldier outside my door,” TJ says. Those words definitely came out harsh and it also is a reminder that he has not texted his sponsor. He pulls out his phone and sends a text message to Miguel, letting him know that shit has hit the fan and he’s not in danger of relapsing because he’s surrounded by three superheroes, but he’s also considered the best way to get some coke at least twice since the news broke.

Steve waits for TJ to turn his attention back to him before he shakes his head. “No, it’s not that. It’s more that I realized just now that this means you’re in danger. I’ve put you in danger solely by associating with you and I’m sorry.”

“Steve, you are such an idiot.” TJ puts a hand over his eyes. “My dad was the President of the United States. I came out while he was in the White House. I’ve had more credible death threats than I know about and...and you’re…you’re worried about putting me in danger?”

TJ drops his hand and gives Steve an incredulous look. “I’m used to it, okay? I’m so damn used to it and I’m more worried about you right now because you’re the one that just got knocked out of the closet.”

“It doesn’t mean I’m not sorry,” Steve says and TJ presses a kiss against his lips.

“Shut up, okay? We’re too busy freaking out over each other for our own good. This can’t be healthy.”

He kisses Steve again before he realizes that this is what people mean when they say you have to be strong for people you love. TJ is freaking out more than he can verbalize, but he’s keeping it together for Steve because he’s been where Steve has been and it isn’t easy. 

_ Is this growing up, or something? _ He suddenly thinks.

“I didn’t care about how I announced were together,” Steve says quietly. “I was just going to release a statement via Stark Industries and call it a day. I don’t feel wronged here.”

TJ shakes his head. “Doesn’t mean it wasn’t taken from you. You should have been able to do it on your terms. Not like this.”

There’s a ringing from the front of the apartment and TJ realizes that means his family is here.

“Do or die time,” he says, reaching up to cup Steve’s cheek. “You okay?”

Steve turns his head to kiss TJ’s wrist before he nods. “Let’s do this.”

With that, Steve and TJ leave the bedroom and go to the living room. Clint and Natasha give them a nod in greeting as TJ goes to the door.

“I really, really could use a drink right now,” TJ murmurs, picking up the phone. He listens to his doorman and confirms his family is supposed to be there before he hangs up. “It’s the whole crew. Minus Dad and Nana.”

“Four against four,” Clint calls from the couch. He’s fiddling with his hearing aid. “Those are good odds.”

“Text Miguel,” Natasha says as Steve moves over to TJ’s side. 

“I’ve already texted him, it’s okay. He’s texted back.” TJ says. He pulls out his phone and sends another message off to Miguel, letting him know that he’ll call later.

“…It’s going to be okay.” Steve says and TJ hopes that it actually will be.

There is a knock at the door, so TJ puts his shoulders back and smiles brightly as he unlocks the door. He considers trying to pretend like this isn’t the end of the world.

He doesn’t even stand in front of the door and it’s a good thing he doesn’t, because Elaine Barrish immediately steps into his apartment and fixes him with an almost weary gaze. Doug and Anne follow a second later and the bodyguard just stays outside. 

“TJ…” Elaine begins the second Doug shuts the door, but trails off when she sees the three other people in the room. She looks them over in her usual, analytic way and TJ knows she’s playing chess in her head. She’s trying to decide which move to make to get the best result from the situation. He’s seen it before when she decides whether a rookie Congressman or Senator was worth listening to and he’s seen that gaze pointed at him more times than he can count.

“Mom, meet Natasha, Clint, and, well, I think you might have met Steve before.” He says and Steve stands up from the couch, crossing the room so he can shake Elaine, Doug, and Anne’s hands. 

Clint stands up from the couch and offers Anne his spot, which she takes with a happy sigh. The pregnancy has begun to exhaust her and TJ is surprised that she’s even here.

“Anne, do you wanna head home? This is just going to be drama.” He begins, ignoring his mom’s incredulous huff of air. 

Anne shakes her head. “I’m here to support you.”

“Five against three,” Natasha says from next to Anne. “Even better odds.”

Elaine rolls her eyes at that. “Lovely to see you again, Miss Romanoff.”

“Madame Secretary,” Natasha says with a nod of her head. TJ wants to ask some questions, but he knows that this isn’t really the time for it. There’s definitely a story there.

“Mom, I can explain-” TJ starts but Elaine silences him with a hand and fixes her gaze on Steve. She’s sizing him up and it’s clear that she’s really not too excited about these events. 

“Captain Rogers. I wasn’t aware that you and my son were so well acquainted,” Elaine begins, putting extra emphasis on acquainted. 

Her mouth is a thin line and TJ notices the lines in her mouth are slightly faded. TJ can’t help but wonder if she’s gotten a peel. Maybe some injections? She’s definitely gearing up for election.

“Well, he’s my soulmate, Madame Secretary. I would hope that we would be well-acquainted.”

“So I saw.” She responds, keeping her gaze on Steve. She’s assessing him and TJ knows she wouldn’t be afraid to destroy Steve if it came down to it. That’s better than the fawning that he expected. “No wonder why he didn’t want us to meet you.”

Elaine glances between them before she settles on TJ’s face. She gives him a weary look and the last time he had seen that on her face was when he had been telling her that he was in love with another blond haired man.

“I’m going to be blunt, TJ. This isn’t a pretty situation and it’s going to get worse.” She says. 

TJ looks away.

“I’ve had worse. This is nothing.” TJ says, glancing back to look at Natasha and Clint. They’re both sitting up on the couch and TJ’s sure they’ll jump to his defense if they really need to.

That’s when Doug jumps in. “You’ve had worse, TJ, but…Captain Rogers?” Doug’s gaze flickers over to Steve’s face and he almost looks like he’s rethinking the next few things he’s going to say. “This is going to be worse for him, uh, you, sir, than it is for us. The publicist called and she really wants to make sure that…this is what you both want.”

“You know we want you to be happy, but we’re worried that you’re…” Elaine starts.

Steve is clenching his jaw and TJ just wants to reach out to ease the tension there. Everyone forgets that Steve isn’t some all-knowing, but weirdly zen super soldier. He has a darkness in him and most of the time he keeps it in check. 

Instead, TJ keeps his hands at his side before Steve opens his mouth to interrupt the Secretary of State.

“We’ve been together for months now. If this wasn’t something I wanted, I wouldn’t be standing in front of you.” Steve says.

The corner of Doug’s mouth quirks up. “That’s good to hear, because we’d hate to have to ruin your life for breaking TJ’s heart because you couldn’t handle being in a relationship with him.”

TJ chokes on his spit because he did not expect that. Neither did Steve, because Steve is suddenly smiling and TJ wonders if this is what it is like to finally bond with your brother after years of being the family screw up.

“He’s not a burden,” Steve points out.

“Pepper Potts sent out the press release,” Natasha chimes in from the couch and TJ lets out a loud breath.

“See, mom? We’re good. We have things handled.” TJ points out and Elaine gives him a look.

“At least you had your pants on this time,” she admits as she brushes a piece of hair back from her face. “But really, TJ? At a  _ charity event? _ ”

“Everyone makes out in the closet at these things!” TJ says turning to point at Doug. “He’s done it twice!”

“I didn’t make out with Captain America in the closet!” Doug exclaims as Elaine places her fingers to her temple. She’s the portrait of an exhausted mother who hasn’t had a moment of rest since her twins were born.

“You’ve never made out with me in a closet. Should I be offended?” Anne asks Doug and Natasha chuckles.

Elaine’s phone rings and she groans when she reads the caller ID. “It’s Bud. Do either one of you want to talk to him?”

TJ and Doug stare at each other before they shake their heads. Elaine rolls her eyes and answers the call.

“Bud.” She gives him a clipped greeting.

“No the press release is already out. We can release our own if we want to be supportive, but TJ and Captain Rogers say they have this handled. Of course he is. Why am I just hearing about this now?

TJ can only guess what they’re saying, but it doesn’t sound good. The more she continues to chat with him and TJ can hear her getting more and more irritated.

“I haven’t done anything. You think I knew? I found out from Doug who found out when that girl from  _ Vanity Fair  _ came over to ask him for an on-the-record quote. I don’t know, Bud. Why don’t you ask her? I thought you two had a special relationship? No, Bud.”

She grits her teeth and TJ gives Steve’s hand a squeeze.

“You said you wanted to meet my family. Here they are.” He mumbles. Steve isn’t ready for this in any way.

Steve squeezes TJ’s hand back. “It’s okay, TJ. It really is.”

“Fine. I’ll tell him that. No, Bud. You do not get to ask those things of him. He’ll do it when he’s ready and it’s clear this wasn’t how he wanted to do it.”

“I really want to do a line right now,” TJ says out loud, just to say it again, and it makes his mom’s eyes widen on the phone.

“I’m hanging up.” She says and with that she hangs up the phone. She gives herself to the count of ten to collect herself before she looks back at TJ.

“The FBI and Secret Service have teamed up to look into the death threats you and Captain Rogers have recently received. It’s probably best you both go to the farm for a few days for some privacy.” She gives TJ a look. “It’s  _ clean _ , safe, and you can let some of the storm pass before you return. Because TJ, you’re going to have to do some press.”

As much as TJ loves the farm, he doesn’t like the idea that his mom is banishing him. He stiffens before he shakes his head. He really hates doing press. “Pass.”

“A lot has happened, TJ. Why not? You won’t have to camp out in your apartment until the next scandal.”

“Oh, pick me. I could make a scandal happen,” Clint says, raising his hand from the corner of the room.

Doug looks like he’s considering it, but Natasha jumps in.

“I could use a vacation.” Natasha says from the couch. “And we get leave time, since we just came back from mission.”

“Oh, cool. Couple’s retreat?” Clint asks.

“When’s the last time you left DC?” Doug asks TJ.

“Uh, rehab?”

Doug reddens a bit and Steve looks over at TJ, taking his hand.

“It doesn’t sound like the worst idea.” Steve says.

“What? Rehab? I’d be down to go back if you sent me to like, a horse farm in Barbados for six weeks.” TJ suggests, though he’d rather step in front of a city bus.

Apparently he’s voiced the bus stepping thought because his mom and brother visibly pale. TJ  gives them an apologetic half shrug because you can get the guy clean, but you can’t take the self-destructive thoughts away.

“There’s nothing wrong with letting some of the storm pass before you come back to D.C.” Elaine says, glancing at TJ before she continues. “He would like it if you introduce him to Steve.”

“Over my cold, dead, gay corpse,” TJ says just as Steve is agreeing to meet Bud. “He’s been a dick lately.”

“He is a lot of things, but he does care for you.” Elaine points out and TJ rolls his eyes.

“He hasn’t come to therapy once. Steve has come twice and Doug comes every month.”

Elaine glances between TJ and Steve before looking at Doug. It’s clear that his mother does not want to like Steve in any way. All she sees in front of her is another blond man who is going to break her son’s heart. She’s probably already considering ways to murder Steve, while still using him to her political advantage. She’s ruthless. It weirdly makes TJ feel loved.

“We’ll go to the farm.” Steve says, voice clear and steady between all of the chattering from the various people in the room. TJ’s apartment is starting to feel claustrophobic. “We can leave tonight.”

TJ turns to Steve and stares at him, mouth open slightly. “Um, okay. I like the family farm a lot, but…Have you ever seen a tree before? Because there are a lot of trees on this farm, along with actual farmland.”

“We have trees in Brooklyn,” Steve says. “There were farms in France.”

TJ sighs. “Okay, fine. But...are you sure?”

Steve nods. “I’m okay with getting away for a bit. Your family is right, this is...going to be a big deal and I’d rather be someplace else.”

“I’d still like to release a statement. Putting our support behind you, TJ. And you too, Captain.” Elaine says Captain in a sugary sweet voice that makes it clear. She will destroy Steve in whatever way possible if he hurts TJ. Steve recognizes this and lifts his chin a bit, giving her a close lipped smile.

“Thank you, ma’am. It means a lot to me.” He squeezes TJ’s hand. “To both of us.”

Steve has also mentioned how much he doesn’t really like DC and TJ figures that is probably another driving factor as to why Steve wants to get as far away from DC as possible. At the same time, the prospect of getting out to the farm and showing Steve how to fish seems fun. Plus, the farm is completely clean. He

There’s a yawn from the couch, which TJ knows is Anne, so he decides that it’s probably time for the two of them to figure out their exit strategy.

“I’ll pack for you, TJ.” Natasha goes into TJ’s guest room and pulls out the suitcases he keeps there, tossing one of the weekend bags to Clint who goes into his bedroom to pack.

“How did you know that was there?” TJ asks as he catches the bag and Natasha looks at him like he just asked why water is wet. TJ decides he just shouldn’t ask her questions ever again because she apparently knows everything.

“Pack for a week at the farm, Clint.”

“I could use a vacation. Connect with my Southern roots,” Clint drawls in an exaggerated Southern accent and TJ can feel himself and Doug visibly cringe.

“You’re from Iowa, Barton. That’s the Midwest,” Natasha chides and Elaine spares them a curious look. They definitely know each other from some recent event, but Elaine clearly has never seen Natasha off the clock.

“So, I’m assuming this is serious for you, Captain?” She asks.

Steve nods. “Yes, Madame Secretary. Please, call me Steve.”

“Steve.” She says and TJ doesn’t miss that she doesn’t tell Steve to call her Elaine. Steve notices it too.

“So, you two are going to the farm?” Doug chimes in and TJ nods.

“Yeah, apparently the decision has been made despite me hating it, so take your wife home. I guess we’ll have family dinner when we get back.” He lets out a deep breath. “Make sure Nana knows I forgive her.”

Elaine and Steve are locked in a staring match and finally Elaine gives a slight nod of her head. “I’m looking forward to getting to know you further, Steve. I love TJ very much. I will do anything for him.” Elaine says and Steve nods again.

“Me too, ma’am.” He says and TJ just gapes before his mother smiles very slightly.

“Good. Miss Romanoff? I’m aware of your competency. If my family leaves, can I expect you to arrive at the farm by midnight?”

“Yes, Madame Secretary.” 

His mother manages to clear the apartment with stunning efficiency, but not before everyone in the family hugs him and tells him that it’s going to be okay. That they’re there for him.

Pulling TJ into her arms, Elaine kisses the side of his face before she shakes her head. “Oh, TJ. I love you. I’m here for you.”

TJ wants to believe it, but he can’t help but feel the bottled up resentment from when he was in love with Sean. She picks up on his tension and leaves without another word.

After the apartment is cleared, TJ pinches the bridge of his nose in an attempt to fight off his growing headache before he looks over at Steve. “So, you’ve met my family minus Dad and Nana. Want to run away?”

“Aren’t we running away? We’re going to your family farm in the middle of nowhere.”

“Okay, city boy. I know you’ve probably never seen a dirt road in your life, but it’s not a bad place and I will have you know that this is running away to a place my family has complete control over.” TJ can hear the bitterness in his voice. “Just like they’re going to have complete control over what happens next.” 

Steve shakes his head. “We’re going to be okay, TJ. I promise.”

“How are you so positive right now? You were just outed and you’re acting like everything is fine, when it isn’t! It’s not fair that you had to release a statement before you wanted to. It’s not fair the 

“You’re going to give yourself an anxiety attack,” Steve murmurs and TJ groans audibly because he knows Steve is right. He’s sure his chest and neck are flushed red. It’s bullshit how well Steve sees past him.

“You need to go pack,” TJ points out and Natasha looks between the two of them before she shakes her head.

“No, I can take care of Steve’s wardrobe.” She says and Steve gives her a look that lets her know just what he thinks about that.

“You’re not supposed to be on a mission for another week, Romanoff.” Steve says and TJ pretends like he doesn’t see Natasha’s mask flicker for a brief second.

“This isn’t a mission. This is a retreat.” Clint says, clearly trying to diffuse the situation. He looks over at TJ. “You want to learn how to shoot an arrow? Sure you do, sport!”

TJ can only laugh before he runs a hand through his hair. “Fuck. This really fucking happened.”

Everyone turns their heads to look at him and TJ knows he seems like the risk here because he is the risk. None of the other teammates are recovering addicts who have considered loading up six times in the past hour or so. At least he doesn’t feel judged, which is different because everyone in the room has killed someone and hadn’t resulted to fucking up their entire lives.

Whatever. TJ was fine. Completely fine.

“Do I want to know what the outside of my apartment building looks like?” TJ asks and Natasha shrugs it off, still packing TJ’s things. Clint brushes her off and does it instead, while Natasha pulls out her phone and begins doing whatever she needs to do to get them out of DC and towards home.

“I love the farm. I’m kinda excited.” He murmurs, mostly to himself. He’s flipping from emotion to emotion as he attempts to process everything. “Make sure you pack my anti-depressants.”

Clint gives him a jaunty salute and heads to the medicine cabinet. 

“We’ll be out of here in a half hour.” Natasha says, glancing up at them. “Pepper is helping. Tony’s going to lend us his jet.”

Steve nods and paces the apartment a bit. TJ can see he’s itching to get out and TJ can’t blame him. He feels the same urge to get out, but his urges manifest in different ways.

“You know, I think dinner with your family won’t be that bad,” Steve says and TJ smiles again.

“It’s going to be awkward. Nana nearly made me cry last time because I mentioned you. She told me guys like you don’t want to actually date guys like me.” TJ shrugs. “My Dad will probably stop by. Once he told the table that he thought he would have had a gay son it wouldn’t have been me.”

He looks back at Steve. “We’re a weird family. You sure you can handle us?”

Steve nods. “You’re not that bad. And even if you were, I know Tony.”

“Okay, point.” TJ replies. He’s met Tony Stark once and one Tony Stark is three of his family multiplied.

The car arrives ten minutes later and within twenty minutes they find themselves on the way to a private airfield, where Tony has graciously offered his private jet. It’s pretty small and not ostentatious, but TJ thinks it would have been better to drive. Except no one was as interested in a road trip. 

Everyone is clearly tired and TJ himself keeps falling in and out of sleep. Before the plane takes off, TJ gets a message with the press release that his family has sent out. He doesn’t get the courage to look at it until they’re in the air. His eyes glance over the statement and he really isn’t sure how to feel about it.

 

_ Our family has unconditionally loved and supported TJ since his decision to come out as gay years ago. We are very excited to welcome Captain Steve Rogers to the family as TJ’s Soulmate and we are looking forward to getting to know him as a person. We thank you for your well wishes and ask you respect TJ and Steve’s privacy as a couple. _

 

It sounds like an engagement announcement. TJ could puke in his mouth. If anything were to go wrong with his relationship, then this press release would be yet another slap in the face. He shows the message to Steve.

“I hate this,” TJ murmurs, leaning his head against Steve’s shoulder. “It’s just going to put us under a microscope and you’re going to hate it and it’ll just make things worse.”

“You don’t know that,” Steve responds and TJ huffs, still clearly anxious about everything.

He looks over at Clint and Natasha, who are sitting next to each other, but aren’t discussing anything with each other. Natasha glances up at him, making a little bit of eye contact before she goes back down to the book in her hands. 

It’s an odd feeling. TJ has nothing left to hide anymore. He’s completely exposed to the world, but he doesn’t feel any sense of relief from this knowledge. Instead, he feels like he’s been rubbed raw and that he’s back underneath the microscope. He doesn’t even know what the media is saying about him, because he’s given himself a personal media blackout to stand-by. Steve has promised to do the same. Not that TJ was ever actually worried about Steve looking at the Tweets and deciding that he was over dating TJ.

Except TJ was definitely worried about that.

“Are you going to get called in front of Congress?” TJ asks suddenly. “Technically you are military property.”

Steve’s jaw clenches at that, but shakes it off. “I think SHIELD gave me autonomy after I defrosted.”

“That’s good.” TJ says, feeling like he’s annoying Steve. He tries to let Steve’s hand go, to give him the space that Natasha and Clint have given each other, but Steve instead lifts TJ’s hand up to his lips and gives the back of TJ’s hand a kiss. The anxiety in TJ unwinds a tiny bit and suddenly a wave of exhaustion hits TJ to the point he can barely keep his eyes open. His mind notes that it must be the adrenaline finally wearing out, but TJ still fights to keep his eyes open. 

TJ guesses that he loses the battle because he wakes up when Steve shakes him gently, letting him know that the plane has landed and there’s a car waiting for them. TJ is half asleep, so he lets Steve guide him off the plane and into the waiting car. He’s still half asleep as Clint gets into the driver’s seat, but he starts to feel himself wake up when his brain realizes that he recognizes all of the twists and turns in the roads.

The car pulls up to the farm and even though it’s dark out, TJ can’t help but feel relatively at ease as it pulls to a stop. There are no interns with iPhones or overly worried mothers around to pay him any mind. Instead, it’s just him and Steve. Well, plus Natasha and Clint, who have already made plans to go hiking around the area. Neither TJ or Steve get it, but TJ knows the two of them weren’t planning on spending the next week with TJ and Steve. They want their space too.

Pushing open the car door, TJ opens the trunk and grabs their bags. “I need to go to bed.”

“You and me both,” Steve says, following TJ’s lead as he steps into the wrap around porch. “Doors unlocked.”

TJ pushes open the door and lets out a cheer before he opens it wider for the stragglers.

“Grab whatever room you want,” TJ says as Natasha and Clint walk past them. Steve is looking at TJ and TJ nods down the hallway. “I have a room I sleep in.”

TJ doesn’t even have to tell Steve to follow him down the hall. TJ pushes the door at the end of the hall open and immediately starts stripping his clothes off because he knows that he’s going to fall asleep standing up at this rate. Steve manages to set the back somewhere and unpack the essentials before he takes off his own clothes, slipping into the double bed.

They’re curled up under the covers and TJ can’t help but laugh as he presses his nose to Steve’s neck. “I’ve never brought a serious guy here before. Never.”

He can feel Steve’s gaze in the dark. “Seriously?”

TJ nods. “Seriously. Not one guy. Dougie brought back his serious college girlfriend, but me? No one.”

His fingers find Steve’s fingers. “I’m glad you’re here with me.”

“Me too.” Steve presses his lips to TJ’s head. “You going to show me around tomorrow?”

“No, gonna make you wander the farm yourself,” TJ says with a laugh. He doesn’t believe it. He’s lying in his childhood bed with his boyfriend and they’re laughing in the dark. It’s everything he’s ever wanted in every childhood daydream that he thought would never happen until Sean, but then was ripped away. TJ’s broken, but it’s nice that Steve isn’t trying to fix him. He’s there to help TJ glue himself back together when needed, but he’s not 

“Your mom’s press release…” Steve starts and TJ bites his lip. “It was nice. I know somebody else wrote it, but it was nice.” 

Steve kisses TJ’s brow. “Go to sleep, TJ.”

TJ nods and snuggles closer to Steve before he remembers something. “There’s a fence that surrounds the property. Run around that tomorrow morning. Can’t miss it. Right where we turned in.”

There’s a moment of silence from next to him and TJ sleepily wonders if he’s done anything wrong before Steve presses another kiss to his forehead. “Thanks, TJ. Go to sleep. I’ll be here when you wake up.”

And TJ falls asleep believing that.

 

—

 

TJ reaches a hand out across the mattress and presses his hand against the cool mattress. 

Except if TJ’s half-asleep calculation is correct - which it is pretty much all of the time - Steve is curled against his back, absentmindedly drawing something on the skin of TJ’s arm. TJ shivers and presses back against Steve who chuckles.

“I see you’re awake.” Steve murmurs and TJ makes an affirmative noise as he buries his face in the pillow. It seems too early, but from the way the sun is pouring in the window it must be at least mid-morning.

“You didn’t go for a run?” TJ asks and Steve shakes his head.

“Told you I’d be here when you woke up,” he says and TJ feels his heart flutter because he eats up that type of sappiness. Steve threads his fingers through TJ’s hair and TJ makes a pleased noise. It’s just them and the farm. No press, no family, no anything. Well, except Clint and Natasha, but TJ assumes that they’ll disappear except for meals or when they want other human company.

They spend the next hour or so leisurely exploring each other’s bodies as the sun rises higher in the sky. TJ rolls off of Steve and curses when he looks directly into a sunbeam streaming through the window.

“Fuck,” he hisses as Steve laughs at his watering eyes. 

“We should get up. Get you some breakfast,” Steve suggests and TJ looks over for his phone. He has a few text messages from his parents that he decides he’ll respond to once he’s caffeinated.

“I think I have therapy and shit later today, but after that we can go take a walk around the property,” TJ says. That was one of the conditions of going to the farm, but luckily his doctors were accommodating. Having your patient’s boyfriend get outed tended to make them agreeable to phone calls.

“You grew up here?” Steve asks as he rolls out of bed, digging through their bags before he gets the sweatpants that Pepper had brought to him.

“Until my dad got his first big seat at the table, yeah. Been in the family for ages. Doug and Anne got married out here,” TJ says, waiting for Steve to get out of the way before he follows him out of the bed. He pulls on his own sweatpants and a faded shirt before he gestures at Steve. “C’mon. You haven’t even seen the rest of the house.”

Steve gives him a look that clearly states that they had one goal in mind last night and it was sleeping after the exhaustion of everything. Still, Steve follows TJ as he shows him around the house. TJ feels so much more comfortable here and even allows himself to slouch a bit. There’s no staff assistant who will remind him to roll his shoulders back.

“So this is the hallway,” TJ says, as they step into the hallway. He leads them to the stairs, gesturing at the various closed doors they are passing. “That was my parent’s room, this one is Doug’s, that’s a guest room and that one is too.”

They go down to the ground floor, where they pass another closed door. TJ opens it to show an office-slash-library set up. “Mom and Dad’s office.”

Steve steps inside and looks around before he follows TJ out of the room. “Kitchen’s through there. Dining room is there. Parlor is there. Living room is here…”

“Is this where all of the embarrassing family photos are?” Steve asks. He grins when he sees the answer to his question hanging on the far wall. He makes a beeline to look at photos of young TJ in the living room.

“Mom likes them, but we don’t come here much anymore.” TJ says, coming up behind Steve to point at a family photo from when he was six. His parents look happy and he’s wearing the same sweater as Doug. “Look at me here. I’m missing my four front teeth. I couldn’t say a damn thing and the Tooth Fairy brought me money, so Doug wanted me to punch his out.”

TJ grins and Steve raises a brow as he looks at him. “Did you?”

“You know it.” He points to another one from when he was ten. It’s another family photo, but this time they’re in front of a Christmas tree. “This was our first Christmas after dad became governor. He wanted us to be “normal,” so he had us have Christmas here, but next year we had it at the mansion because dad was so busy and mom was getting busy too. She wasn’t very excited about just being a wife, so she started to take on a lot of causes.”

Beyond that, there are photos of TJ’s grandparents and great-grandparents. Some of them show overall wearing ancestors standing in freshly tilled fields and Steve tips his head to the side, examining one of TJ’s great-grandparents closely before he turns to nod at the piano that takes up the other part of the room.

“How long have you played? You never told me,” Steve says and TJ swallows because it’s true.

“Uh, yeah, my entire life pretty much? And I play alright. Pretty well, actually. All different styles and whatever. I even compose.” TJ pauses before he goes over the piano, hesitating before he sits down at the bench. “Haven’t played since I got clean.”

TJ gestures at Steve to sit down next to him and Steve moves to sit without questioning what TJ is actually doing.

“Do you know anything about playing the piano?” TJ asks and Steve shakes his head. TJ smiles before he takes Steve’s hands and places them on top of the ivory keys. “Okay, well, your thumb goes here. This is Middle C. I’m going to show you a chord progression with your right hand and then maybe I’ll let you learn some notes for your left.”

Moving Steve’s hand, TJ shows him how to do a chord progression and Steve listens, dutifully doing everything TJ tells him to do and memorizing all of the instructions. By the end of their makeshift lesson, Steve is playing an advanced version of “Hot Cross Buns” and TJ is slightly afraid that if Steve puts his mind to it that he’ll end up better than TJ. Steve lets his hands drop from the bench as TJ lets his mind go on autopilot. He goes through a few random songs, including a piano concerto and a few random Top 40 songs, before his brain takes over again and suddenly he’s playing something all his own. 

He can’t even force himself to look over at Steve, because TJ knows it will break the moment. It’s been ages since he’s composed something all his own and all he can do it let it out while hoping he remembers what it sounds like by the time he finishes playing. Maybe he’ll write it down.

There’s something so cathartic about playing something that’s his. Sure, a few chords end up sharp, but all of the anger and hopelessness and other emotions he’s kept inside him are being channeled into this song. By the time he trails off, he feels like he’s been through an entire therapy session and there are tears prickling at the corners of his eyes.

Steve doesn’t even say anything. All he does is wrap an arm around TJ’s waist and pull him close, allowing TJ to bury his face in Steve’s neck. 

They hold onto each other for god knows how long and TJ is the one that pulls away, wiping at his face as he smiles at Steve. “Sorry, no idea what came over me there. It’s been a rough few days.”

“You don’t ever have to apologize to me for something like this. Burning the rice? Yeah, apologize for that.”

TJ sniffles, but not before giving Steve a playful push. “I’m never apologizing for that. Now go make me breakfast.”

“Of course. Except - where’s the kitchen again? I might need you to show me.” Steve teases as he leans in for another kiss.

_I’m in love with him._ _I’m so in love with him._ TJ thinks. 

_ Fuck. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for your support! Reading your reviews really motivated me to get this chapter up. Sorry for the delay in posting - I basically deleted everything I had previously, rewrote it, and then second guessed myself to the point I did the delete/rewrite/second guessing again.
> 
> Let me know your thoughts/if you see anything. I'm still pretty nervous about posting things and your reviews mean more than you know to me.
> 
> 7/6 EDIT: Hard at work on the next chapter :) I am heading to Romania at the end of the month for a few weeks to visit family, so I'm hoping to have the next chapter up before then, but it may be shorter.


	3. watering plastic plants (in the hopes that they will grow)

There’s a giant splash and TJ looks over to find that Steve Rogers - Captain America, himself! - is struggling with his fishing rod and is stepping around in his waders.

“You’re completely useless at this!” TJ responds, lips curved into a smile as he watches Steve struggled with his rod. He’s caught three so far this morning, which is impressive since he never fishes.

“Hey!” Steve yells back at him, recasting his line. He’s trying to do everything that TJ had taught him earlier, but it looks a bit clunky. TJ takes pity and goes over to Steve, adjusting his arm before he goes back to his own line.

Finally, something bites on Steve’s line. Steve’s victorious face keeps TJ from teasing him as the other man reels in the line. He wades over to where Steve is holding his fish and gives him a little peck on the lips.

It had been Clint’s idea to have fried fish sandwiches for their last dinner and TJ volunteered to provide the fish. He knew where they could go fishing, despite the history there. When TJ had suggested that they go fishing, Steve had stared at him like TJ had grown two heads. Sure, the tight black pants and leather jackets hardly gave anyone a sign, but TJ was raised on this farm. His father made sure that TJ knew how to hunt and how to milk a cow. Even if it was someone else teaching TJ.

Fishing was something that TJ had done a few times, but he enjoyed it. Especially now that he was completely beating Steve at this whole fishing thing.

“You know for someone who is supposedly amazing at _everything_ I’m really getting a lot of joy out of the fact that I can fish and you can’t,” TJ teases, nudging Steve with his shoulder as they place the fish in the cooler. It’s almost time for them to trek back towards the farm. The sun is beginning to set and a cold front had moved in over night. TJ shivered as he shifted the bucket of fish they had caught to his other hand. They had spent the whole day fishing.

“Who said I was amazing at everything?” Steve teased and TJ shrugged.

“You, know, the entire world. Every history book in existence. That museum in DC that they have to redo now that you’re no longer on the ice.” TJ listed them off as he handed the cooler to Steve so they could begin their walk back to the farmhouse.

It was almost time for them to go back to DC. A week and a half had passed and the media storm for the most part had died down, but TJ didn’t care. He was treating this entire thing like a vacation. Sure, his therapist told him that it was a coping mechanism for knowing that the talking heads were still discussing whether Captain America should be stripped of his title. It was a coping mechanism, but it was a good coping mechanism for keeping TJ from going insane.

All in all, Steve seemed well-adjusted to the fact that he was outed. Despite what the two of them said about this being a vacation - they had run away from the media storm instead of confronting it head on. Instead of being able to defend himself, Steve had decided to stay with TJ. It was sort of romantic. Except TJ couldn’t help but wonder if Steve would rather be in DC instead of sipping coffee at the local coffee shop. All while the locals pretended like it was normal TJ Hammond had brought his soulmate to visit.

Not that the locals were angry about that. In fact, they loved Steve. Everyone waved at him and gave him an extra serving of anything he ordered. Steve said it was because he was Captain America, but TJ was adamant that it was because Steve was charming. Especially in the way he remembered everyone’s name and asked after their families. It was sweet how easily he slipped into the town's ecosystem.

They had coffee at the same diner every single morning. If anyone had snapped a photo and put it on Twitter, TJ hadn’t heard about it. The locals didn’t mention anything except that TJ better bring his young man back as soon as possible.

It was a Hallmark movie, TJ joked. In town, they would walk down main street and stopped into a few of the local art galleries, which led to Steve ooh-ing and aah-ing over a piece that he had promptly bought and then had mailed back to his place in DC. He even spent a good thirty minutes asking an artist how he had made a human-sized sculpture out of nothing but scrap metal.

At first TJ wondered why Steve was so interested in the local art scene, but then TJ remembered that Steve had been an artist. Steve had mentioned once that he had even gone to art school for a little bit, but then that was all ruined by the war. Steve had mentioned that once or twice. Being Captain America was too much on his plate to pursue anything. Standing next to Steve as he spoke, TJ realized that the sketchbooks of drawings were the only future for Steve’s art. It put a lump in TJ’s throat and the next thing TJ knew was he was asking just as many questions about the town’s artistic scene.

That was what led to the two of them ending up at the local arts alliance building. Almost immediately, Steve was tugged away by a group of kids almost immediately, which meant TJ had spent a good hour listening to the director of the theater explain how they were barely staying afloat. Normally it was something that TJ would have drowned out, but instead he listened. He listened to the director talk about how scared they were that they were going to have to cut the after-school program that helped the underprivileged kids learn how to act, paint, or play an instrument. The program that also gave some of them the only meal that they would have that night.

It was the first time that TJ had truthfully promised that he would talk to his parents about seeing what grants and funding opportunities there were out there. If not, TJ knew he himself was going to end up writing the check himself. Even if it cut into his own therapy money.

When he finished talking with the director, he was led into a room to find Steve leading an impromptu art lesson. The kids were watching him with wide-eyed wonder as Steve talked about how colors went together. TJ snapped a few photos and when Steve caught his eye, TJ could tell that this made him happy. There wasn’t much that put a smile like that on Steve Rogers’ face, but that had been one of them.

After that, the word got around fast: TJ Hammond’s soulmate was an absolute _sweetheart_ and the town made sure to let TJ know that he had caught himself a good one. Especially every time they went to the diner for breakfast. It was pretty obvious that everyone was wishing TJ would bring Steve back again. Or that the Hammond family would dump TJ and keep Steve. Which TJ thought was a very likely outcome.

The previous day, they stopped at the grocery store and it had been adorable. Clint had been insistent about fish sandwiches, so Steve had talked to the elderly saleswoman about which bread would be best for fried fish sandwiches. She had handed him loaf after loaf of fresh bread as she clucked about Yankees who didn’t know their french loaves from their baguettes. TJ had cackled in the corner as he got the ingredients for tartar sauce and the other sandwich fixings. By the time they had been able to leave the grocery store, Steve had armfuls of bread that they would end up donating to the local food bank and TJ had his one paper bag of lettuce, mayonnaise, and other “fixings.”

 _They’re called fixings, Steve. Adapt to the culture,_ TJ had teased.

Pushing open the door to the farmhouse, TJ shucks off his boots in the mudroom before he brings the cooler of fish into the kitchen. There weren’t that many fish, but it would be enough for the four of them to have their fish fry tonight. One last hurrah before they returned and watched the news.

“Do you know how to gut a fish?” TJ asks as he starts pulling out the fish. Steve gives TJ a look, but before he can say anything TJ waves Steve off. “Yeah, yeah, World War II. Whatever. You can gut a fish, but you sure can’t catch one.”

“Caught you, didn’t I?” Steve teases back.

TJ is sure that his eyes roll straight to the back of his head. “You’re lucky you’re cute, you know that?”

So, he hands Steve a fish knife and they get to work on cleaning their morning’s catch. Between the two of them, they make quick work of them.

“You ready to go back?” TJ asks, taking a step towards the sink as he washes his hands. Steve is cleaning the counter and disposes of the fish guts before he goes over to wash his own hands. He’s still mulling over his answer when he places his clean hands on TJ’s hips.

“You know how I feel about DC and I like being here with you..” Steve murmurs, tipping his head forward so he can press his forehead against TJ’s own. It’s a very cute, Steve-specific thing that TJ has noticed and TJ loops his fingers through the belt loops of Steve’s jeans.

“But?” TJ asks and Steve grins.

“But this place doesn’t have Antonio’s around the corner,” he teases and TJ groans because those words immediately make him crave pizza.

TJ pushes Steve away in mock outrage before he runs a hand through his hair, trying to smooth it out despite it being a bit sweaty from fishing earlier.

“Oh, hey, look.” TJ points at it, but he knows Steve has already seen it. There’s nothing that gets past him. Steve follows his gaze and sighs.

“Another run down?” Steve asks and TJ nods, knowing what it means. Day three of no media coverage had set TJ on edge. There was something disturbing about knowing that everyone was talking about you, but not what they were saying.

So Doug and his mother decided to send them a top-line report with the most important summaries. It’s mostly gossip rags and a few headlines about how the rest of the world would respond to an American symbol being in a relationship with a man. There was one Washington Post Op-Ed that Doug had flagged that TJ planned to read as soon as he got back to DC about Steve always being a gay icon. The tights were definitely a gay thing.

TJ gives the current day’s rundown a brief glance over, but notices the headlines are starting to slow down for the most part. It’s a relief, especially after a week and a half. They will be a topic of conversation when they get back to DC, but at least no one is still threatening to take away Steve’s rank. Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell ended a while back, but some politicians seemed to forget that. And those same politicians absolutely hate the idea that Captain America might be getting on his knees for TJ Hammond - who personally felt responsible for keeping some political kids in the closet.

That had happened in a club one night. A nice boy with dark brown hair and a shy, farmer’s smile insisted on sucking him off in the bathroom. When TJ suggested they head back to his place, the guy gave him that bashful smile and with a Southern drawl said that he couldn’t because his dad was a Senator and as much as he admired TJ for being out, his father would be far too scared of him ending up like TJ and he had to marry a girl so it was best to leave it at the club.

TJ snaps out of that train of thought. He’s got a _Soulmate_ now, which gives him some vindication in the world. He has someone in his life that is _just_ for him and who wants to be with him. It’s not a lot of vindication, but it does soothe some of the hurt left over from every single rejection that he has ever received. Especially Sean’s. Especially that nameless guy, who may or may not be married now.

Except - now with the clarity of being away from DC for over a week, TJ realizes that it also comes with its fair share of responsibilities -- both domestic and public.

“So?” TJ gives Steve a curious look, tilting his head to the side as if he’s actually considering his words. Plot twist, though. He’s TJ Hammond and he never considers his words. “What are we going to do now?”

Steve furrows his brow. “What do you mean?”

“We’re soulmates. With a capital S. Kind of a big deal. That means when we get to DC my parents are going to want to throw some...” TJ waves his hand. “Party. Like a coming out party for you, but a ‘look TJ and Steve are soulmates’ party that means all of their big donors will come or something.”

TJ pauses before he continues. “It’s a normal thing. It’s like a pre-pre-engagement party. Everyone comes and they oooh over the fact we’ve found each other and they wish us luck. Sometimes they bring gifts, but, we could like, have it donated to some sort of arts charity.”

Steve’s lips thin and TJ knows how much Steve detests public events where he has to put on a metaphorical mask instead of a real one. “I don’t want us to be on show.”

“I don’t either. I mean, it’s not like I have friends I can invite and our family dinner doesn’t count as a ‘Soulmate’ party.” TJ drums his fingers against the wooden countertop. His grandpa was always so proud about having made everything in the kitchen.

Steve walks around the counter and closes the distance TJ had put between them. That’s some sort of subconscious thing that he does, TJ notes. He should bring it up with his therapist..

“TJ... I’ve been a performing monkey before. I’m okay with doing it, but not when I think it’s going to stress you out.” Steve reaches out to cup TJ’s jaw.

“Yeah, except they’re gonna wonder why we don’t throw one. Doug and Anne had one. People would think that you’re ashamed of me if we don’t have one, it’s just so common in DC.” TJ groans. “And the psychotic part of me wants to show those sick bastards that I’m sober, yeah. Like, hey, look, I’m getting my shit together. No idea what I’m doing with my life, but hey! Not snorting coke off of bathroom sinks anymore.”

The look on Steve’s face deflates a bit. He doesn’t like hearing the nitty gritty details of TJ’s struggle with addiction, but TJ knows that if TJ himself can’t make fun of his past, then he’s going to do his best to avoid it. At least Steve is supportive. He sits in on his family therapy sessions. It’s more than most other people. TJ places his hand on Steve’s and gives him a small smile.

“So you want to prove to people that you’re more than what they thought?” Steve asks and TJ feels his face flush red before he buries his face in Steve’s neck. His anxiety is flaring inside of him and the words aren’t coming out they way that he wants them to come out.

“How about...we wait to do the stupid party. To when we actually have something to celebrate. It can be a ‘TJ’s been sober for a year and figured out his life, Steve’s got a gallery show, and oh yeah, they’re soulmates!’ party, so that way we cover all bases.” His fingers curl around Steve’s much larger band and gives it a squeeze.

“I think we should have the party,” Steve says. TJ blinks at him and opens his mouth to say something, but Steve continues. “No - really. I think we should keep it small. We’ll have Tony and Pepper host it, so it’s not people there just to gawk. They’ll take care of it. I trust them. Does that sounds like something you can get behind?”

“Yeah, I think that sounds perfect.” TJ says before gives him a lecherous look because Steve did open himself up to a quickie in the kitchen. “Except I think there’s something that you can get behind..”

TJ presses his lips to Steve’s before the other man can call him out on his horrible pun. He licks the curve of Steve’s lower lip, seeking entrance, when —

“We eat in here!” Clint yells as he steps into the kitchen. He’s dressed for a hike and so is Natasha, who follows him into the room. They must have left early to hike up one of the nearby Appalachian foothills. TJ’s never done it, but the two of them look like they had a good time.

Natasha grabs a banana from the fruit bowl before she wanders off into the den. Clint gives TJ and Steve an ‘I’m watching you’ look before he follows her.

“Well, that was a mood killer. And we all know that we eat in the dining room...” TJ says after a minute and Steve nods in agreement, taking TJ’s hand as they wander to join Clint and Natasha in the hearth. They have some black and white movie on already and Steve sits down on one of the couches. TJ follows him and curls up next to Steve, head cushioned by Steve’s lap as he watched Audrey Hepburn fight against being a princess.

TJ thinks back to his piano and his music theory books upstairs. The ones that he had been pouring over since his arrival back home.

Home. The thought startles him. He hasn’t lived here since he was a kid, but it’s home to him and he feels safe. The world outside of the farm is scary, that’s for sure. But he isn’t worry about it yet, because he’s home and he knows who he is here. Steve lets his hand rest on TJ’s shoulder and TJ grabs it, pulling him even closer. He’s only half watching the film.

He’s thinking back to the kids that Steve was teaching and the absolute fear in the director’s face that they might have to cut some of their programs. TJ knows how to put together a fundraiser and he’s already planning on carrying one out.

There’s a college degree that he has, but has never utilized a day in his life. That was more of a formality than anything. Something he had to do to not embarrass the family further, and it was pretty easy to find drugs and dick in college. He barely graduated and TJ wonders if that is because his father pulled strings. His father pulled strings to get him in. His father pulled strings to keep him in. His father pulled strings to make sure he got out with a degree.

It’s a weird little thought. One that he’s never given any major consideration to for the most part. Sure, there’s been a little bit of a nudge in his mind every so often, but he was often to drugged up to consider that. Drugged up messes didn’t go to graduate school. He strokes Steve’s hand as he thinks about it. It wouldn’t be something like law school, like what Doug did. TJ would hate that too much. He’s not at the level of going to a conservatory. Not anymore. And he didn’t think that there was any desire to go there anymore. Sure, it had been a dream when he was younger, but growing up meant realizing that your choices made it so your dreams were no longer possible.

But the local club had shown him something. Had given him an idea.

TJ almost wants to pull out his phone and see if there are any programs that could do what he wants to do. He knows a lot about that crap. Despite what people think, he knows more than just Debussy and show tunes.

A seed has been planted and it’s something that he’s going to think about when he’s noted waiting for his therapy appointment and when he’s not wrapped around Steve watching Audrey Hepburn get swept off her feet.

Soon, there’s a little alarm coming from his phone and TJ untangles himself from Steve. Steve grumbles, but lets him go without too much of a fight. It’s cute, it’s domestic, and TJ has realized that this is probably one of those things that goes along with being “soulmates” with someone.

“Therapy time.” He announces to the room and everyone gives him a mumble of dismissal. TJ smirks as he calls his therapist’s number as soon as he reaches the porch. She’s already waiting for his call and picks up on the first ring.

“Hello, TJ,” Meredith says, voice cool and calm as it always is. It relaxes TJ and he thinks about the things he wants to tell her before he decides to go for it.

“I know what my next step is,” TJ says, waiting a beat before he tells her about visiting the local arts club. There was something there that he wanted to do. He tried to elaborate as best as possible, telling Meredith that he wanted to run a place where at-risk kids could get free music lessons or learn to paint. Something that could be a rock in their lives. The way piano was for him before he got lost along the way.

“Like, I don’t know. I mean I only just came up with the idea maybe a hour ago, but I think all signs point to this being right for me. Maybe have some, like, art therapists there too? For kids with bad home lives? I feel like an idiot and I’m unqualified to do this on my own, but I’ve got a college degree, so that means I can get a Master’s and there’s gotta be some programs out there, right? In DC?” He’s anxious and he’s rambling.

Meredith lets him finish talking before he hears a few taps from her computer. “Well, it looks like there’s a Master of Arts in Arts Management at American University. They have full-time and part-time programs, plus a certificate.”

TJ pauses for a second. “Okay, that sounds promising. But I sense a ‘but’ coming from you?”

She chuckles. “But it’s graduate school, TJ. It’s a great way to ease yourself back into society, but I also think you need to consider whether going to graduate school will harm your recovery. These programs can be stressful and your sobriety is the most important aspect for you right now. _But_ at the same time we have been discussing how to get you back into the world.You don’t like sitting at home doing nothing and a school schedule is flexible enough for you to continue your therapy, group, and doctor appointments. You need to interact with people beyond your family, your soulmate, and the pizza delivery men.”

“So you’re saying that I actually have come up with a good idea?” He says, a smile bursting on his face.

“Yes, TJ. I think this is a brilliant idea for you, and it looks like they take Spring admits. I believe you could enroll yourself in a fall course while you apply for the Spring. Once again, it’s all to ease yourself into returning to school before you throw yourself in there full-time.”

She keeps mentioning easing him into it and TJ appreciates that this won’t be like his entire life. He isn’t going to get thrown overboard and told to sink or swim. He gets to wade from the shallow end into the deep end, with a support system standing on shore. TJ feels excited for the first time in ages, except suddenly that excitement fades. “Wait. Fuck.”

“TJ?” Meredith asks, collected voice taking on a concerned edge. It’s still calm, though. So all is not lost.

TJ puts a hand over his eyes and lets out a deep breath. “I want to go back to school so one day I can run an arts non-profit for at-risk kids. My mom is gonna be thrilled.”

A static-y laugh comes from the phone and TJ can almost imagine that Meredith is shaking her head at TJ Hammond continuing to be himself.

“If that’s the worst thing you can think of, well, we have a good thing on our hands. Now - how about we make a game plan for applying, then we go over some of your anxiety coping techniques before you head back tomorrow?”

“You drive a hard bargain, but I can live with it,” TJ says, before he goes off in search of pen and paper.

——

One hour later, he’s clutching in his hands a list of things he needs to do in order to sign up for a fall class at American. The timing is tight, with only two weeks before the semester starts, but TJ thinks he can swing it. After all, with his last name all he really needed to do was have his mom or dad call up. Still, he’s going to try applying and getting in on his own. He has a ‘Statement of Purpose’ to write and letters of recommendation to ask for, but he thinks that he can do it.

The TJ Hammond redemption story starts now, he decides. Not when he met Steve. Not when he got sober. But now, when he decided that he was done being who he was before.

 _God, Meredith would be so proud to hear that,_ he thinks.

He enters the den to see Steve half asleep and decides to not wake him up just yet. It’s rare to see Steve nap and TJ knows he needs it after the thorough teasing he received this morning. Natasha and Clint give him a nod and TJ decides that he’s going to get started on diner.

He can sort of cook, and by sort of cook he at least knows how to make the sauce and toast the bread. Steve comes in a little bit later to fry the fish on the stove top and Natasha wanders in to sit on the bar stool to judge the both of them.

“What are you guys doing later?” TJ asks, chopping the lettuce and tomato. Natasha shrugs.

“Something. It’s been weird.” Natasha purses her lips. “Most of my vacations are tropical.”

TJ laughs. “You think this is a vacation?”

A shrug in response as Natasha folds her arms and rests her chin on them. “Yes.”

TJ’s eyes flicker to her wrist and he wonders what Clint’s first words to her were. She keeps them hidden with a black band. Clint keeps his hidden, too. He should talk to Steve about what they’re going to do with theirs.

“Yeah, kinda does feel like a vacation. Thanks for hanging out.” TJ says. Natasha gives him a close-lipped smile, thinking of something.

The smell of cooking fish lures Clint into the kitchen and TJ pushes him a plate. “Make your own sandwich.”

“Fuck yeah,” Clint responds, giving TJ a thumbs up before he goes to sit next to Natasha.

“I feel like this is how my mom must have felt when she was feeding Doug and me.” TJ says, going over to the sink so he can get started on the dishes. Sure, he could leave them for tomorrow and for the caretaker, but he’d feel bad.

Natasha snorts. “If anyone is the babysitter here, it’s me. You are nothing but trouble.”

“Oh fuck off,” TJ says with a laugh.

No one lingers after they finish eating. Clint and Natasha decide to climb up to the roof to look at the stars, which TJ considers before he decides it’s far too cold for that. Instead, he curls up with Steve on the den and they both watch television as Steve cards his fingers through TJ’s hair. It’s when TJ realizes that he needs a haircut.

Later, they’re curled up in bed and TJ’s chest presses against Steve’s back, trailing his fingers down Steve’s arm. It’s finally hitting TJ that it’s their last night at the farm. Instead of the dread that he thought he was going to feel, he’s feeling something more akin to excitement. He has a plan now. He has something to do with his life.

“Hey Steve?” TJ murmurs, feeling much more courageous in the dark of night with his face hidden against Steve’s skin. Steve hmms with awareness and TJ continues. “Why do you think we have soulmarks?”

TJ can feel him stir a bit, making himself more alert for this conversation. “Greek myth, right?”

Steve’s voice is raspy with sleep and it’s so endearing that TJ snuggles closer to him.

“But why? You could’ve had anyone’s words on your wrist. Why me? Why not someone else? Why not Peggy Carter? Why me? Why did the universe make you wait until now?” TJ asks, voice barely above a whisper. Steve’s hearing can pick it up.

The thing about soulmarks and soulmates is it means that there is a part of them that is compatible on a deeper, molecular level. Or something. It doesn’t mean things will work out. His dad cheated on his mom. A lot. Doug cheated on Anne. With most ideas and plans, life gets in the way.

“Because you’re you and I need you. Soulmates aren’t perfect, but they’re perfect for each other. You...” Steve lets out a deep breath. “You’re one of the only people who can look at me and see me for me. See my flaws and still love me for who I am. You understand me. And isn’t that what a soulmate is? You look at me and I’m Steve Rogers from Brooklyn.”

TJ reaches around to take a hold of Steve’s hand. Hand holding is a big thing for them.

“Sometimes I think you’re the only person alive who understands me.” Steve murmurs. There’s something about those words that gives TJ pause, but he blames it on his sleep deprived brain.

 _I love you,_ TJ mouths against Steve’s back, but he doesn’t verbalize the words. He’s not ready for that, but from the squeeze he gets from Steve he thinks that Steve understands that. With that, TJ kisses the back of Steve’s neck and allows himself to fall into a deep sleep.

——

The next morning they load up the car and TJ gives the farmhouse a dramatic wave. The odd feeling from the previous evening has evaporated and instead TJ feels a little bit excited to be heading back to DC. Even though he knows it’s going to be a complete and total shit show.

“See you for Christmas!” He yells at the house and Natasha laughs at his antics.

“You’re like a different person out here. You should go on vacation more often,” she says and TJ gives her an exaggerated nod in response.

“Uh, yeah. You see any Hill interns snapping a photo of me? Or anyone asking me about my sex life?” He does a twirl reminiscent of _The Sound of Music_ and Natasha bends over with laughter. Sure, TJ is excited to go back, but he’s also anxious as hell about going back. It’s okay for the most part. He’s got a game plan and something to look forward to.

“Did I miss something?” Steve asks, exiting the farm after doing one last check to make sure they didn’t forget anything. This was all despite TJ telling him that they could have anything they forget shipped back to them in DC. The caretaker will stop by later and make sure everything is closed up until Christmas. With that thought, the lightness in TJ’s heard subsides and there’s a pang in TJ’s chest when he realizes that’s almost four months away. And that it means that Steve will probably be here with the rest of his family.

“Nothing you need to worry about,” TJ says, going over to give him a peck before he gets in the backseat of the car. He’s one of the smallest ones, so that means he ends up in the back. “Can we get on the road? If we’re home by six I can catch the Amazing Race.”

Part of TJ feels guilty. He didn’t get anything accomplished in the time he was at the farm, but at the same time he realizes he has to remind himself that it’s okay to take time to himself to heal and he can’t be healing with reporters shadowing his every move.

Clint gets in the driver’s seat and Steve joins him as shotgun, since they are the two tallest. In the backseat, Natasha reaches out for the notebook that TJ is holding with his notes about applying to a graduate program.

“When’s the deadline?” She asks, buckling up as TJ releases the notebook to her. She skims the requirements before she winces. “Oof. And you have to take the GRE before that?”

TJ lets out a sigh. “Yep. I honestly think it’s more of a formality, to be honest. I think I could apply for, like, a PhD at Columbia and get in. It’s all about names and stuff.”

Natasha hands his notebook back to him. “Except you’re applying for a degree that you want to pursue. Not some PhD in Political Science. Start drafting your personal statement. You’ve got time in this car.”

He takes his pen back from her as well and gets started on drafting some sort of personal statement about why he wants to go back to college. The worst part is he’s afraid to spill his soul because he knows that someone on the admissions committee could tell the entire world about TJ Hammond and his reasons for wanting to go back to college. Still, TJ writes until his hand starts to cramp.

Hours later, TJ looks up from what he was writing to find that they’re outside of Steve’s building. They bid Clint and Natasha a good night before they leave, grabbing their bags before they go up to Steve’s apartment. TJ’s not sure he’s ever spent this much time with someone before, but he doesn’t see a need to go home, or a need to do anything that isn’t be around Steve. He wonders if this is part of the “soulmate” thing, especially since they don’t even talk as they unpack. In the past, that silence would have scared him, but now it’s pleasant.

Steve gives him a little hip check as he passes by and TJ shoves him back happily. “I’m gonna go shower. Order some Chinese.”

“As you wish, TJ.” Steve quotes and TJ blushes before he dives into Steve’s bathroom. He turns on the shower and lets the steam gather in the room, forcing himself to relax deeper. His therapist had recommended meditation and breathing exercises for these moments.

_You’re back in DC and nothing bad has happened to you. Your family loves you. Your boyfriend is ordering Chinese. You have friends. You have a plan for what you want to do. You are sober._

He repeats the words over in over in his head as he steps into the shower, letting the car trip and everything else from the past few weeks rinse away. He has dinner with his family tomorrow and TJ wonders what they’re going to think of Steve. Especially now that they’re out of crisis mode and into judgement mode. His mother won’t let any of Steve’s flaws stay unprodded and TJ hopes the two of them keep their uneasy alliance. Once finished, he dries off, puts on some sweatpants, and goes off to find Steve in the apartment.

“Hey,” TJ greets, sitting down next to him. Steve is sketching something and upon closer look TJ can see it’s the farm. The corners of his mouth twitch upwards and he places his head in the crook of Steve’s neck. “Tomorrow.”

Steve is still sketching. “Should I bring something?”

TJ shakes his head. “Nah, unless you wanna bring flowers for Nana and Mom. They like that sort of thing. My dad’s gonna be there. Don’t let him try to intimidate you.”

Turning his head, Steve presses a kiss to the seam of TJ’s forehead and damp hair. “I’m not going to let him intimidate me or push you around. It’s your family, but it’s also your life.”

“True. I think telling them I want to go back to school is a good idea too.” He puts a hand on Steve’s arm. “I’m gonna call American tomorrow. Figure out some sort of Intro class I can take.”

Steve kisses him again. “I’m proud of you.”

“Thanks, Steve.” The words _I love you_ are on the tip of his tongue, but he chooses to silence in them in favor of burying his face in Steve’s shirt. He closes his eyes and breathes in Steve’s scent, letting it lull him to sleep as Steve continues to sketch. Tomorrow.

–––

The next day passes by normally. Steve goes on his run in the morning and returns with TJ’s bagel. Steve does a different run to the grocery store, because TJ can’t be trusted to come back with everything on the list. TJ’s the type of guy who will go to the store and forget the chicken he intends to buy, but come back with six packs of flavored Oreos. Which, to be fair, Steve doesn’t mind.

TJ is content to skip that adventure and laze about in Steve’s bed, enjoying the emptiness of it after the much smaller accomodations at the farm.

Finally, Steve gets back with groceries and TJ opens his bleary eyes to glance at the clock. It’s only 10 am, which is a respectable time to get up and out of bed. Rolling out of the bed, TJ trudges out into the kitchen where he gives Steve’s neck a little kiss.

“First day back and already making yourself work?” He asks, looking over Steve’s shoulder to see he’s cutting a apples.

“The devil makes work for idle hands,” he responds, mind somewhere else before he comes crashing back to reality. TJ sees the exact second Steve snaps back to the real world and he puts his hands on Steve’s waist, pulling him into a hug from the back. Steve still slips away like that and he does it a fair amount, but TJ is never able to figure out what to do to make it better. It reminds him of what Miguel said: Steve needs professional help. Guys who have been through less than him have needed therapy, but Steve is too stubborn to resist it.

“Good thing you’re never idle.” TJ rests his head between Steve’s shoulder blades. “How was the grocery store?”

“A few people took photos,” Steve admits. “But I was most upset that no one was offering me free bread.”

“You’re not as charming to a Trader Joe’s employee. Maybe you should work on that.” TJ laughs before he steps away from Steve to hop up on the counter. “It’s your first official family dinner tonight. Dad may or may not be there. Depends on which pharma lobbyist gives him her hotel key.”

“I was thinking of making something,” Steve confesses. “My ma had this apple pie recipe. I remember it.”

TJ blinks at Steve. “You wanna make my awful family an apple pie?”

“Yeah, I think that’s what I want to do,” Steve says and TJ looks considerate before he hops off the counter.

“Okay, teach me how to make a pie. I wanna help.” TJ says and Steve looks at him for a moment before TJ feels his own smile start to widen. “Is that why you’re chopping apples?”

Steve nods towards the cabinets. “Okay, so we first we gotta mix sugar, flour, cinnamon, nutmeg and salt in large bowl. I’ll write down how much you need. Think you can handle that?”

Steve raises a teasing brow and TJ raises a middle finger in response. “Fuck off, Steve.”

He turns to get the ingredients from the cabinet and lets out a squeak as Steve slaps TJ’s ass.

“You are a dirty old man!” TJ points at Steve and Steve grins. It’s definitely a side of Steve that TJ thinks most people doesn’t think exist. A brief Google search this morning had shown that most people thought that Steve was pretty much a monk. TJ had first-hand experience that no, that was not the case.

“Too bad no one will ever believe you.” And that’s when TJ knows he’s definitely throwing a handful of flour at Steve’s face sometime this evening.

A little bit later, TJ is sitting on the counter, being completely useful as he watches Steve attempt to finish off

“Your Mom was Irish, right? I didn’t know apple pie was a big thing for the Irish,” TJ starts, pausing as he watches Steve roll out the dough for the pie crust a little bit later.

“She made it all of the time.” Steve looked fond as he floured his hands more and started to pack the crust in the tin. “How’s the filling coming along?”

“So far, so good. I don’t think I’ve screwed it up too much.” TJ reaches in to taste the apple-y filling and decides it doesn’t sound awful. He images Steve teaching a kid how to actually do this and it makes his heart flutter. They’re soulmates, so it’s in the cards down the line. Maybe. TJ hasn’t even told Steve he loves him, which is both a terrifying and exciting thought. No matter how much he wants to fight it, he has a soulmate in Steve.

You’re allowed to let yourself have this. Meredith had told him. You don’t need to repent for all the things you’ve done in the past to have a good thing now.

TJ hops off the counter and dips his hand in the flour sprinkled around the kitchen.

“Steve?” TJ asks, waiting for Steve to look up. He blows the flour in Steve’s face before he gives him a pat. “I’m gonna go take a shower and get ready for tonight.”

Steve is sputtering and TJ can only laugh as he leaves the kitchen.

Time passes by almost too quickly. Suddenly the pie is ready, Steve is switching out of sweatpants, and before they know it TJ is giving Steve’s elbow a little squeeze as they get out of the car that his mom had sent for them. “Ready?”

“Ready.” Steve says, shifting slightly so there’s no risk of crushing the pie that they had made. Was it going to be an incredibly cheesy and endearing gesture? Yes, but TJ knew that deep down his mom was the type of person that would appreciate it.

There is no illusion of them even attempting to ring the doorbell. Instead, Doug pulls open the front door as they approach.

“Hey TJ. Captain Rog – er, Steve, I guess?” Doug starts, looking confused as Steve gives him a nod in greeting.

 

“Evening, Doug.” “‘sup, Doug.”

Steve he holds up the pie. “We brought dessert.”

“You two shouldn’t have.” Elaine’s voice comes from behind Doug. Doug immediately stands aside as Elaine walks down her foyer with purpose. TJ resists the urge to roll his eyes. Even with only family around, his mother refuses to be anything less than a commandeering presence. TJ is certain she doesn’t know how to be normal.

“Hi Mom,” TJ says, leaning forward to kiss her cheek as Steve gives her a respectful nod in greeting.

“Ma’am,” he says and she nods right back. Their most recent conversation is still fresh in their minds and TJ knows not to bring that up.

Elaine turns and gestures for them to follow her into the kitchen, where she places the pie down on the counter. The maid, Carmen, probably prepared all the appetizers and whatever is cooking in the oven, but TJ doesn’t care. They never had time to cook and this is a normal part of their lives. A normal part of everything. It’s odd how his normal isn’t normal for anyone else in America.

Anne waves from where she’s sitting at the counters before she nods at Elaine. “Um, Elaine? Can you please pass me more of the hummus? I’d get it myself but –”

“Of course, sweetie,” Elaine says, giving her a soft smile as she brings the glass bowl of hummus over to her. “I remember being pregnant and trust me, I sympathize with you.”

She turns back to look at TJ and Steve. “How was visiting the Farm?”

“It was good, but I discovered Steve can’t fish so I think I need to end things,” TJ blurts out and Doug laughs. The tension in the room breaks almost immediately. Elaine even looks like she enjoyed the joke.

“You took your boyfriend fishing? I thought that was a first date activity?” Anne teases as Steve shakes his head.

“I’m from Brooklyn, all right?” Steve protests but Doug shakes his head.

“No, that excuse doesn’t work. You fought in World War II, you were roughing it for months at a time. You’re bad at fishing. You can admit it.” Doug says and TJ shimmies a bit as he slides away from Steve to join Anne next to the hummus.

“Where’s Nana?” TJ asks, trying to remain subtle. He’s not.

Doug gives a shrug. “Sick.”

TJ huffs. Sure she is.

Still, he puts on his happy face and eats hummus with Anne. “Shame, she won’t get to try Steve’s mom’s apple pie recipe.”

“Oh, it’s your mother’s recipe, Steve? Thank you so much for sharing it with us,” Elaine says. Her voice is dripping with a weird combination of genuine sweetness and also an edge. To be fair, that is typical for her.

“Yes, ma’am. Though TJ helped me make it, even though his definition of helping was throwing a cup of flour at me.”

TJ nods as he shoves a pita chip full of hummus into his mouth. Anne cocks a brow, but TJ never, ever gave anyone any indication he was a mature adult.

“Well, now that everyone is here we can move into the dining room,” Elaine says.

“So you were just gossiping in the kitchen waiting for us to show up?” TJ asks and Elaine levels him with a look that says ‘clearly.’

They go into the dining room and each couple sits across from the other. Elaine sits at the head of the table.

That’s when TJ notices that there are six place settings, instead of just the five. “He’s here?”

“He’s upstairs taking a call, he’ll be joining us shortly.” Elaine says and TJ just blinks. Steve takes his hand and gives it a squeeze.

“Guess I am meeting the whole family,” Steve jokes, but TJ is just shaking his head.

“You know, for a man that ran an entire country, you think he would be on time,” TJ starts, but suddenly his father is walking into the room. “You won’t believe them. You really won’t, sweetheart. They’re ridiculous.”

“Bud. Not now.” Elaine says and the man stops talking for a brief second before he focuses in on Steve.

“Now here’s the man of the hour. Captain Rogers, how are you?” He gives his award-winning grin and clasps Steve’s hand, standing over his chair before he looks over at TJ. “Gotta say, son. You know how to pick ‘em. How was the farm? You boys enjoy yourselves?”

TJ rolls his eyes as his father then brushes past them to sit down at the other end of the table.

“Steve can’t fish. You missed that bit. Other than that, we enjoyed it. It was good to get away,” TJ says, pausing before he realizes that Carmen brought out the food when they were in the kitchen and that’s why they had relocated.

Leaning forward, he opens one of the serving dishes. “Listen, I get we’re all here to interrogate Steve, but I’m going to pretend like this is a family dinner because Steve is actually pretty boring and I’m hungry.”

“Hey!” Steve says but TJ ignores him in favor of serving himself mashed potatoes. It’s not like they stand on ceremony here. They’re pretending it’s a family dinner, not some sort of diplomatic meeting.

“Anyway, I’ve decided I’m going back to school. I signed up for an Intro to Arts Management class at American and I’m applying for their Masters.” TJ says, piling his plate high. “Which I think is _vastly_ more exciting than that fact Steve and I are dating.”

He can feel his barriers start to prickle and Steve reaches out underneath the table and touches TJ’s thigh. It makes him relax the slightest bit.

“I am pretty boring, to be honest.” Steve says, letting go of TJ’s thigh so he can follow his lead and scoop food onto his plate. “Born and raised in Brooklyn, joined the army, but I think I’ve been appointed TJ’s GRE study partner, so…”

Steve throws the conversation right back to focus on TJ, which TJ can’t really decide if it’s a good or bad thing, but it at least saves him from having to sit through his family interrogating Steve. “Oh, yeah. Apparently I have to memorize vocabulary? It sounds dumb.”

It’s Anne that jumps into the conversation first instead of letting it simmer into an awkward silence. “That’s amazing, TJ! Congratulations. You’ll have to tell us all about your classes when you come over for dinners.”

“Definitely. Arts management sounds right up your alley.” Doug adds, nodding in agreement.

“Arts management?” His mom asks, lifting up her glass of water and taking a small sip before she continues. “What’s bringing this on?”

TJ shrugs. “Figured I needed to do something with my life and Steve and I went to the local theater back home. They’re going through some rough times, and I started to think that I could help out with that stuff. As a job.”

His mother’s chin lifts up ever so slightly and TJ knows from years of experience that means that she’s pleased with her answer. It’ll make a great talking point in the future. Her redeemed son getting his masters to help at-risk art programs whose soulmate happens to be Captain America.

“Oh, they’re struggling? What’s going on?” Bud asks, leaning forward with interest.

TJ sighs. “Tax cuts for arts programs, rising expenses since the program is getting bigger, the usual stuff.”

Bud makes a humming noise and TJ continues. “Last year they realized a lot of kids in the program were in food-insecure households, so they’ve been trying to feed them, but that brings in the Department of Health and it’s another operating cost that they just don’t have…”

He runs a hand through his hair, realizing that his entire family’s eyes are on him. “I’m gonna write a check, but I’m going to, you know, help out...They need to fundraise.”

When he looks back to his mother, he realizes that she’s leaned back in her chair and has her gaze fixed on him curiously. As much as he loves his mother, she doesn’t trust him and TJ can see that she desperately wants this to work out. For her.

 _But also for him. She’s your mom and she loves you,_ he reminds himself.

“Well, you tell us what you want us to do. And we’ll help you out,” Bud says before he grins. “But you’re on your own with homework.”

TJ can’t help but laugh at that and it makes the rest of the table relax. Maybe this was what he needed. To fall into something himself, instead of being pushed into it the way the his family had pushed him and pushed him.

“Yeah, I signed up for the class and already have readings and stuff. Guess it’s an excuse to wear sweatpants everywhere again.” He jokes and Anne makes a face.

“You have to be a full-time student to do that!” She exclaims, grinning at him before she looks over at Steve. “Don’t let him wear sweatpants. His butt is too nice for those.”

“Anne!” Doug says at the same time Steve says that he definitely agrees. He looks over at TJ and gives him a smile.

“Sorry, she’s right. I’ll hide your sweatpants if you start wearing them out of the apartment.” He nudges TJ with his shoulder as TJ shakes his head.

“Wow, my sister-in-law and my boyfriend ganging up on me. Is there anyone in this family that I can trust?”

“It was only a matter of time before you found out Anne and I are on each other’s side when it comes to sweatpants.” Steve says solemnly as Anne giggles. Doug looks a bit looser and he has his elbows propped up on the table. Steve can hold his own with his family and everyone sees that.

“I can’t wait to be as boring as you and Doug,” TJ says to Anne, flicking Steve off.

Elaine shakes her head. “Really? Not at the table.”

“You know, I still haven’t heard how my own son met his soulmate,” Bud says. “We’ve known about his words since they appeared and they gave us a bit of of a scare. So, how’d it happen?”

Steve opens his mouth and speaks with the most nonchalant voice. “Oh, TJ hit me with his car.”

TJ isn’t exactly sure what they expected out of Steve. Maybe dumb muscle that doesn’t say much or toes the party line. He doesn’t think they expected the quick-witted, sarcastic responses that Steve is giving. It makes TJ smile to know that he’s not shrinking in front of his family. That he’s Team TJ and not like the rest of DC, where the allusion of being close to power is all people want.

“I did more damage to the car than he did to me.” Steve points out as Doug opens his mouth.

“Wait. I remember that. TJ, you didn’t say anything?” Doug asks and TJ shrugs.

“Sure, Dougie. My recently sober ass definitely was going to tell you I _just_ hit Captain _fucking_ America with my car and he was my soulmate.” TJ rolls his eyes. “You’d have me back in rehab in a second if I said that.”

Doug flushes and Anne waves her hand dismissively. “This is a weird family. It’s fitting.”

“Yeah, this definitely wasn’t what I was expecting.” Steve says. “No complaints.”

The _yet_ goes unsaid.

Bud laughs again and gives TJ a shake of his head before he meets Elaine’s eyes. “He gets his charm from me.”

“Oh, so we’re calling hitting Steve with a car charm?” Elaine rolls her eyes. “You’re ridiculous.”

“It was totally charming. I had a panic attack and everything.” TJ says and Anne gives him a thumbs up.

“Nice. Panic attacks are really sexy. Is that how he lured you in, Steve?” She asks.

Before Steve can respond, Bud gives Elaine an exasperated look. “C’mon. I distinctly remember you being charmed with me. We were married once, you know.”

“I’d like to take this moment to actually thank the universe, because I definitely said fuck after hitting Steve with my car, but that’s not on his wrist.” TJ says, trying to swerve the conversation away from his parent’s weird relationship.

Steve nods. “Oh, yeah. You definitely did. Good thing it didn’t, because my Ma was a diehard Irish Catholic and I don’t think her heart could have taken that too well.”

“Which is hilarious because you swear all the damn time.” TJ counters as Steve gives him a side-eye for the ages. “Fun fact: Steve is not a Boy Scout. He is a troublemaker and will probably get me arrested, which means you’re still on bail out duty, Mom.”

“Mom and I rotate bail-out duty, by the way. It’s like a custody agreement, but it’s a custody agreement for when you get arrested,” Doug says and TJ actually believes that might be true. He wouldn’t be surprised if his family did have a contingency plan for him.

“Except now it’s going to be for like, jaywalking, instead of something drug-related,” TJ says, smiling as Doug shifts uncomfortably.

“The jaywalking is my influence.” Steve says. “If you didn’t know from the six times I’ve mentioned it, I’m from Brooklyn and the time between your lights here is ridiculous.”

TJ rolls his eyes and takes Steve’s hand again. “Of all of the idiots in the universe and I get you.”

“That’s true. I guess we really should welcome you to the family, Steve.” Elaine says. “I don’t say this lightly, but I don’t think I’ve ever seen TJ this happy...ever.”

“Well, part of that is the therapy and antidepressants I’m on, but yeah. I am happy with Steve.” TJ says and Steve laughs.

“Thank you, ma’am.” Steve murmurs, and TJ can hear the emotion in his voice. “It means a lot.”

Bud clears his throat. “And I’ll give the shovel talk for the rest of the family. If you hurt TJ, I swear to God that I’ll ruin your life. And I have a lot of resources to do that.”

“I don’t doubt you do, sir.”

“God, I love you.” TJ mumbles to himself without thinking. He’s shaking his head as he gives Steve’s hand a squeeze. He ignores how happy Anne and Doug look, instead choosing to focus on the table. Steve leans over and pecks the side of TJ’s face and TJ pretty much feels his heart burst until his mother clears her throat.

“I’m so happy that you’re happy, TJ.” Elaine says, her smile actually reaching her eyes. That’s when TJ’s chest suddenly freezes up. He knows that tone. It’s the _but there’s more_ tone from his childhood.

Oh no.

“--- but that’s not the only reason I asked us to dinner here tonight. I think we’re all at pivotal points in our lives right now. Doug and Anne are having a baby, TJ has Steve, Bud’s beginning the foundation, and I’m wrapping up an extremely successful year.”

Bud grumbles something about her getting on with it and Doug straightens. It’s a tick of his, which is when TJ realizes that – _oh no, oh no, oh no_.

“The Party has been begging for me to throw my name back in the ring and, well, it’s now or never. This is going to be the latest announcement in the entire primaries. It’s what we’ve all been working on these past few months and…” Elaine shrugs and TJ shoots Doug a betrayed look. “Tomorrow I’m announcing that I’m seeking the Democratic Party’s nomination for President of the United States.”

TJ drops his fork and it clatters to the ground. He’s not sure what to say because everyone has been hiding this from him. That’s why Nana didn’t show up. Not because she was afraid to see him after he comments about Steve, but because she was too much of a god damn coward to see the betrayal on TJ’s face.

“You’ve been hiding this for months.” TJ speaks slowly, almost as if he’s trying to understand the words himself. All those hours that Doug had been working in his office. All the events TJ had been forced to go to as “part of his assimilation back into society.” All of it was designed to present Elaine’s family as a united front.

And now TJ had a soulmate in Steve Rogers.

“We were and still are focused on your recovery, TJ. We didn’t want to stress you out and risk you relapsing again.” His mother’s voice is soothing and diplomatic. It’s not the voice of the joking, caring mother he had been hearing for the past hour or so. It was something so different.

TJ covers his eyes with his free hand, Steve squeezing the other one reassuringly as the thoughts rush through TJ’s head. There’s going to be nothing but a media frenzy surrounding him.

He sets his hand down on the table and looks at his mother straight on. “I’m not going on the road with you. I’m only going to events that I _have_ to be at that _I_ want to go to and I’m not risking my mental health or sobriety for your political ambitions.”

Steve’s grip on TJ’s hand tightens even more, but he doesn’t say anything.

“And we’re not dragging Steve into this either. I’m going private. I want a life.” TJ lets out a deep breath before he looks over at Steve. “Yeah, seriously, welcome to the fucking family.”

Steve laughs, but it sounds hollow. Like the kind of laugh a public relations strategist would coach you on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay! I'm currently both working full-time while getting my Masters, so I had a busy July at work and then I was in the homeland for three weeks. I feel like these 10k words could have tacked on to the last chapter, but I wanted to get them up today instead of obsessing over them. Next chapter is already in the works.
> 
> If you ever have any questions, you can always come yell at me on Tumblr.

**Author's Note:**

> This has been sitting in a drafts folder for way, way too long, so here it is! I have to be a hundred percent honest, I'm nervous about posting it. I started writing this awhile back, but I took a break from it because I was diagnosed with a traumatic brain injury. I didn’t feel comfortable with my writing because of that. I'm super nervous about posting it, but I think I was going to go crazy if I left it alone for any longer!
> 
> Feel free to send a message to me if you see any errors or have any suggestions because my TBI does mean I probably have missed something. 
> 
> Also, yeah those are Wombats lyrics because I’m obsessed.


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